Hi all. I'm describing a kiss but am unsure of the following description. He responded half-heartedly at first, but as the contents of the vial passed from Dee to Chris the kiss became more heated. I want to change 'heated' to ardent but does 'the kiss became more ardent' work? I'm unsure of using the word 'more' in there. Or, perhaps leave it as heated? Any thoughts appreciated. Thanks
I would, for the sake of passive/active, end it with the word 'kiss' - then the flow of: 'their [...] became an ardent kiss' would work better than: 'kiss became more ardent'
Ardent is very Victorian, and I'd avoid it for that reason. Frankenstein is so full of ardent that I lost count. I think heated works fine.
It's a little tell-y, actually. And clinical-observation-y. Is that what you wanted? Whose POV is this from? The guy's? Show us how it is for him. How about something like, " . . . passed from Dee to Chris, all his senses caught fire. Her lips under his were . . . etc., etc." And do some appropriate showing from there.
Thanks for the help guys. I think i'll stick with heated. @SethLoki - I already used 'fervent' in another paragraph for a different kiss (same guy, different girl) @Catrin Lewis - POV is from the woman and I agree, it is a little telly (and I don't mean a small TV ) but in context with the rest of the chapter I think it works ok. However, this is still just first draft material so I will consider if it still works on my second time round. Thanks again - very helpful
