How do you deal with heartbreak?

I've gotten my heart broken recently, so I thought it would be interesting (and therapeutic) to open up a thread about it. What's your worst breakup story? How do you get over heartbreak when it happens? How do you deal with being the one to have to break someone else's heart?

 

In my worst breakup, I found out my girlfriend of 4 years, someone who had talked about getting married, had been cheating on me. And then found out she posted videos of me sleeping onto YouTube.

I am over the worst of that, but honestly, I'm not over it completely. I still find it harder to trust women compared to men.

 

She had posted videos of you sleeping on YouTube???? What? I don't understand.

 

Geez. Well, I'd get over that one by telling myself I had a very lucky escape. I mean the cheating one is kind of common, but the posting on YouTube? That is bloody unforgiveable.

Heartbreak? Ah. It comes in all flavours. There is the very mild one usually called disappointment. It's when the person lets you down, or turns out to be different from what you'd hoped they'd be. Disappointment comes at the relative beginning of a relationship, and while it doesn't do a lot for your self-confidence, it's pretty easy to get over. Just go out and start again. However, if you've devoted years to a person, or were very badly treated (as in @Lemex above) then it's a bit more complicated, isn't it?

If one of the two partners wants out of the relationship, that's usually a sign it's not working and probably isn't worth fighting for, in most cases. Why would you want to hang on to somebody who doesn't want to be with you? For whatever the reason? It's hard to admit, but sometimes the people you think you love don't love you back. The worst thing you can do is go into denial, or start hashing and rehashing every little nuance of the relationship in order to justify why it shouldn't have broken up. But he said this, or that. But why would she have done thus if she didn't really care? Etc Etc. Yikes. I've known people who have wasted years on THAT phase, and driven friends away with their constant preoccupation with the failed relationship. "Don't think twice, it's all right." Bob Dylan had the right idea.

If you find yourself in a relationship and YOU want to end it, then do so—as quickly and kindly as you can. Make it clear that there will be no way back. Don't encourage 'we can still be friends.' This often sends mixed signals, and can keep the other person dangling and hoping. You can say something like 'I really like you and wish you all the best. This isn't your fault, or anything you did, it's just the way I feel—and I can't help what I feel. I need to be honest with you. The chemistry isn't right between us, and it's not going to change. It would be best if we didn't try to be pals, or at least not right now. We both need to find new relationships and get on with our lives at the moment.'

Then you need to give them their space. If you have a mutual group of friends that can be hard, but do try. You might want to try going to a different pub, etc. In other words, don't turn up every place they are also likely to be. Seeing you all the time in places that have connotations for you both as a couple just makes it hard for them to move on. Not to mention, they might feel humiliated, knowing that everybody else 'knows' they've been dumped.

I think the hardest heartbreak to get over is when two people are forced to split up through matters beyond their control, and neither one of them wants to. That's the kind of split that always feels 'wrong,' and probably never does truly heal. Often it happens to young people, who are forced apart by parents or other adults who think it's for the best. They lose touch with each other, probably marry other people, have families, etc. By the time they are old enough to make their own decisions, they are often unable to reconnect in the real world, because circumstances have moved on. The notion that you always get a second chance to be with the person you love—and who loves you back—just simply isn't true. The stream of life doesn't flow backwards. Some people get lucky and do get a second chance with their first love, but many don't.

Heartbreak can also happen to married people who meet the person they really love when it's too late, and they have to choose between what they want for themselves and what is best for their families.

 

My methods of getting over heartbreak (well, more a strong feeling of hurt) tend to involve a lot of alcohol and self pity, followed by a gym obsession. Really working hard in the gym is incredibly helpful, gets the endorphins going, puts you to sleep, makes you feel healthy.

On @Lemex not trusting women comment, I would mention that if you are straight you are most likely to be heartbroken by a member of the opposite sex. It's elementary. Hence regularly hearing the same trust issues from both sexes.

 

I don't think I've ever actually broken people's heart, but I've had to turn some people down, and as mentioned above in the thread, you really have to do it quickly, don't try to make the message nicer because you pity the person, but don't be too harsh either. Just be completely honest.

As for having my heart broken... yeah, that's not an easy one. When it happened to me, I actually started to learn how to play the guitar, because I desperately needed something to distract me from it all. Things like learning a language, picking up a new hobby, stuff like that, all would help.
You need to take some time to analyze what happened and why it happened, but- and this is hard, I know - really try not to overthink it. Because you'll end up feeling like you're the one to blame and all other pessimistic thoughts, and no one needs that.
Another thing: if you broke up, you actually broke up. That means limit contact as much as you can. Sure, you might run into them now and then, but you need to let go in order to be able to move on. Which takes a while.

I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say I don't trust guys, but in a way I do try to keep a distance, which makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to get close enough to someone again. As with many things, I guess only time will tell!

All the best Gigi, it'll take a while, but one day you'll actually feel normal again.

 

Oh gosh. I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds messed up.

In my case - boyfriend was neglecting me anyway but somehow I clung on. It was pretty obvious we should've just never dated. He broke up with me once and we got back together. The relationship was never good, but somehow I was either in love or obsessed - not sure which really, maybe a bit of both. In his defence, thinking back, I think I became a tiny bit psychotic by the end and I can't say I was the model girlfriend. In my defence, it was mostly because I was desperate to get his attention because he just couldn't give a damn about me. Messed uuuuuup, seriously.

Anyway, finally broke up a second time. For those of you who know Friends (which is a lot of you I imagine!), the story of Ross and Rachel ensued with us. On and off and on and off. We became friends with benefits. I gave him my body in the hope of making him stay. He'd get his fill from me and then walk out saying "We can't do this again". I began to dread the moment when he'd leave the bed to get dressed, because the moment he left the bed is the moment he starts feeling guilty again and then walk out. He always came back though, sometimes the same day, usually the next day. He'd always come back by the next day. Having a woman to satisfy you at your beck and call and having this much power over someone was too damn good not to. This lasted for an entire year where he told me, repeatedly, "I never loved you and wish nothing had ever happened between us." I began to tell myself even in the middle of the act, "He doesn't love you. He's just using you. Get it in your head. This means nothing. You're nothing to him. How many times does he have to tell you he doesn't love you before you fucking get it?"

He later even admitted to being emotionally abusive and apologising for it and confessing that he honestly just enjoyed the power and control.

Anyway, then my husband turned up. He was my ex's housemate. Now, my husband's hot. (my ex, in comparison, was not - he was never good-looking to begin with actually lol) And as it turns out, just the loveliest, kindest man I've ever met. There was once, my ex invited me to his house and promised to make me an omlette for lunch. I was overjoyed. Here was the sort of affection and attention I was longing for for the past frigging 3 years. I was a bit late and felt so guilty. I came in, and there he was on his computer. He barely looked up, mumbled a greeting, and got back to reading TV Tropes. I thought maybe he was mad at me and sat on the couch in silence, waiting for his approval. I asked him if he was mad and he said no, he's just reading.

An hour passed like this. And I was really, really hungry, because I hadn't eaten. He said he'd make lunch, after all. I was so desperate for his attention that I just waited and waited - I didn't want to do anything that would piss him off, that might make him say, "Never mind, I'm not doing this for you anymore!" Thinking back, this does feel a lot like emotional/psychological abuse - the feeling of complete helplessness just waiting for him to respond. There's no reason why I couldn't have just said, "Hey make that omlette, I'm starving!" There's no reason why I couldn't have just said, "Screw this, I'm getting some food." Or better, "I'm outta here." I did none of that. I was this shrivelling, sniffling mouse just waiting for a little treat from her master and terrified I'd do something wrong.

Then, my husband - back then just some guy I found to fill a spare room and whom I barely knew - came home. He greeted me warmly and proceeded to rummage in the kitchen. I didn't know this guy. I wasn't his guest. And he looked up and said, "Are you hungry? I'm making some food. Do you want some?"

Oh my word YES. It was only pasta, ketchup, a can of tuna with some chedder on top, heated up in the microwave. And it was frigging delicious.

And in that moment I remember looking between him, and my ex, and thinking, "Wow. What a difference." We ate and he went upstairs to his room. I stayed in the lounge with my ex, who had not looked up the entire time. He never did make that damn omlette.

For some reason, I felt the need to ask my ex for permission to even like this guy. I actually asked him - I said, "I really like this guy. Is it all right if I dated him?"

My ex smirked and laughed and said, "Sure. Go ahead! I don't mind." (thinking back, he probably thought no one would ever want me)

And then it happened. Husband and I started dating.

My ex came over and "borrowed" one of the toys he gave me during the relationship, and a few days later said he's never returning it because he doesn't want him touching it. He went to my husband's room and said, "Can you please not have sex with her? It's because, you see, we're all Christians and I don't want her to backslide from her faith."

My ex then asked to have a talk with me at something like 1am in the morning in his bedroom. Not sure why I went but back then I was still an emotional wreck and utterly confused by him. I went. We were alone. And guess what he said?

"I still love you."

I frowned at him. I asked, "Does that mean you want to marry me?"

"No."

"So we're just going to get together, and then break up again for the third time?"

Silence.

"What would us getting back together do if you have no intentions of marrying me anyway?"

"I still love you. I want to be together."

That was when I looked at him and said, "What would be the point?"

My husband did later tell me, a few months after the event, that he found it inappropriate I even went and if I had dragged it out, he would've broken up with me himself. Fortunately, everything worked out.

Anyway, how did I get over my heartbreak? Not got a clue. Probably when I finally realised I could get better, and I deserved better. I spent 3 out of 4 years at university looking on in envy of my good friend's relationship - there were times when I asked myself if I maybe fancied the girl's devoted boyfriend, now husband. I didn't. But I longed for someone to treat me so well and I didn't understand what I was doing wrong.

What baffles me more is why I clung onto that guy for so long. He's dating someone else now - I can only hope to God he's changed. Cus otherwise, seriously, poor girl. I guess I'm still a little bitter about the whole thing.

 

He sounds like a lovely fella. Glad you got out of it and met your husband.

 

This is a story that underscores the need to move on from a bad relationship. It's easy to get over heartbreak when somebody who is perfect for you suddenly appears in your life, showing interest. You got very lucky, girl! And you're smart enough to realise it. Wonderful.

 

Yeah, rereading what I wrote, I think the rational side of me saved me.

The rational side of me also saved my current relationship though. Remember how my husband ended up with cold feet thanks to his mother? I spent so long - such a long time - asking myself, "How is this really different from what my ex did, the on and off thing?" Because I was determined not to make the same mistake.

But it was different, because saying something out of confusion, as he was feeling, isn't the same as the thing my ex did, which was very conscious and deliberate. Because my husband actually did something about it, he worked on it, and I definitely saw improvements - more than that, he listened to me. My ex did no such thing.

And yeah, I am very blessed My husband's a really, really good man. Any time anyone asks me how my marriage is going, I turn to mush and grin like a silly girl. Now I'm gonna text him and tell him hehe.

 

Yeah, you read that right. About a week after I found out she had been cheating on me I got a message from one of her uni friends to tell me I might find her YouTube channel interesting. They didn't say exactly what it was, but when I looked - video of me sleeping. And also laying on my bed, reading a book. I didn't know the video was being filmed.

Yeah, that's true. I've had a few relationships since then and I'm now much more careful about getting emotional. I've had some pretty shit luck, perhaps my best relationship was with a guy.

 

As I recently posted on another thread...

As someone who has lived a long and full life I can say I have been through more break ups than I care to remember. All were painful but I refused to let my heart close up. I have lived by the motto "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Emotional pain is not something to be afraid of, it doesn't kill you, it lets you know that you are alive and feel deeply. You learn over the years, through trial and error, to set your own boundaries on how you relate to others, but in the end the emotional pain you experience in life makes you what you are. For me that means I learnt how to be an incredibly loving and compassionate person. I harbour no resentments, no judgements and no regrets. I have lived and loved to the full and embraced every emotion as part of life's rich tapestry and now I let them fuel my writing.

 

Yes. Can you imagine a book written by somebody who has never had a single problem in their life? Yeeks.

 

I got dropped by the guy I dated all through undergrad because I was hospitalized with a major infarction. He knew I had heart problems. I was kindly informed: I was broken, he didn't do broken, and there was no fixing me. Talk about striping you down to nothing, well, those words took every last ounce of confidence I had.

Then a good friend gave me a reality check, he told me: 'You're sick, not broken. He's just plain stupid, and there is no fixing stupid.'. That random bit of practicality made me laugh, but it also made me think. I wrote a lot of bloody battle sequences during that time to channel my emotions, but I came around. I'm still hand shy, but I'm not bitter.

I've learned to go into life with a bit of hope and grain of salt.

 

you don't.

 

@Darkkin - I love what you friend said about "There's no fixing stupid". Glad to hear you healed from the heartless words your ex said.

@Selbbin - what you wrote reminded me of this:



From the wiki article:

It might be true your heart is still broken - it's still marked by scars from before. But I dunno, sometimes I think the scars make you stronger - more beautiful. Some of the most wonderful, kindest, gentlest, most loving people of this world are people who have been broken. Those who have never been broken don't know pain and don't have the sensitivity or wisdom to care for the pain of others. It's only when you've walked that path of brokenness that you really know, and it changes you.

Now whether that change is positive or negative depends on how each individual handles it. But I don't know. I once wrote something - I wrote: Don't despise your pain. Because the world needs people like you, who know pain, because those who know pain know how to be gentle. And the world - and many fragile, breaking, or broken people - are in dire need of such gentleness.

My mum is very self-sacrificing - she can be really annoying, of course, as all mothers can be, but ultimately I know there's always a home I'm welcomed back to. Sometimes when I respond rudely, she is hurt, and she says, "Why don't you appreciate the fact that you have a mother who loves you? When I was a child, I longed for someone to love me and I had no one." Her mother did not love her, so she knew how deep the pain was to be lacking a mother's love. And for that reason, she would go to extreme lengths to be there for her children. Sure, she nags, sure, she's over-protective. But it was from this depth of pain and brokenness that this fierce determination to love grew from.

My husband was bullied persistently at school - there would be kids waiting for him on the street on his way home just so they could beat him up. He has severe asthma and his own mother yelled at him to stop pretending and get on with it, when he couldn't even walk because he couldn't breathe. In terms of material provisions, he was not lacking. In terms of consistency from his mother and his needs and desires being respected and acknowledged, they were very much lacking. Now, his perspective of life is bleak - he thinks of death often. Not as in him wanting death, but simply a factual recognition that in the end, everything dies. But thanks to this fixed focus on death, he often tells me, "When I come to die, I want to know there's nothing I'd regret. That's why I try to do my best in everything, and I try to be kind to everyone." And it's true - he's one of the kindest, most generous, gentlest men I know.

These things are not heartbreak in terms of romantic heartbreak - but these are broken hearts. Souls that have been shaped with tears and pain and despair. And the kind of beauty that can come out of that - I have also seen - is spectacular. That gentleness that stems from pain is somehow soft and fierce at the same time, and it's absolutely precious in my eyes.

So I dunno. Maybe it's true that a broken heart will always be broken. But I also don't think you could help or heal anyone without ever having been broken. There's sweet water at the bottom of the well if you're willing to find it, I think.

Or maybe I speak from a place of too much privilege. I know my mum's and my husband's stories and I have not been through anything anywhere near that level of pain, especially not my mum's. I am blessed, but they are my inspiration. Their pain and what they've learnt from it have shaped me as a person, and that's not nothing, either.

 

Am I believable when I say my heart does not get broken? My heart is made of some pretty durable and flexible stuff. When it takes a hit, it just bounces right back...like rubber! Boing! Just like that and all the weight on it flies off and life returns. One can even say it is like weeds! No matter how many times it gets trampled upon, it always stands up again because its true roots are untouched.

A heart that can let go is a formidable heart.

Fortunately, I have never had to break anyone's heart yet. I am good at reading people and situations so I lay down the laws in subtle ways the moment I detect such possibilities. If I really had to, I would have no qualms with being direct about it.

 

Well reading it like that is sounds more like a misplaced act of affection. But even if that was the motive it is a very strange thing to do.

 

Believe me, it wasn't. Otherwise, I don't think she would have blocked me on facebook since I asked her uncle to get her to take the videos down.

 

Well, I made a half-arsed effort to see it in a positive light :/ Some people are just vindictive little fuckwits. I genuinely don't understand that behavior. Did you have an inkling she had a screw loose beforehand?

 

Not really. Some small things on reflection, nothing overt. I had one of her uni friends apologize to me over facebook, this friend had apparently gone back to the states for a week to be with her family. Before that week this ex was apparently quite happy, after that week when this friend got back she was acting really weirdly. She's now dating another woman too - which leaves me with I don't know what to say.

 

Look at it this way. Tomorrow could be the day that you find your soul mate. He could be in the coffee shop or at line in the bank. Maybe you'll exchange smiles and hit it off right away, or it could take a while-maybe you'll have to be introduced through a mutual friend. You're still young. You will find him.


And then one day he'll die.

 

Ever the pragmatist. To quote Scar: 'Be prepared!'