I'm currently writing a novel, and one of my dialogue sounds like this : "Are you hungry, zombie boy? Do you even still remember the last time you eat something?" I'm pretty sure about the first question, but not for the second one. Is it grammaticaly correct? I'm not a native english speaker, so I'm sorry for any bad writing here. Please give me your thoughts, any suggestions or critics I do really appreciate it.
I don't believe grammar needs to be correct in dialog . But you do need to understand correct grammar and make the decision not the use it for the character that is saying it. I also believe dialog should be like someone would say it . "Do you even still remember the last time you eat something?" That looks a bit unnatural , why would you "even still remember? " But I only have a fragment to go by .
Other than the noted typo of eat instead of ate, this is fine. Also, be very careful about changing dialogue to make it maximally efficient. The character will speak in certain ways consistent with that actor/world/situation. So, inefficiencies are what gives that voice, more times than not. Things like, "Do you even still remember..." show attitude and character. The idea of STILL, is important to both meaning, character rudeness, and perhaps even an overall approach to speech from that actor, so know that your work here might be considerably better than what might end up in text if you subjected this to Grammarly or some other program that seeks only the cleanest text.
I find when you analyse words , especially when out of context , there meaning becomes a bit blurred . It has also been pointed out that your character might say that . To me , even , is emphasising the next word , still . Still , is up to the present time and is being used in a derogatory way. So they are not actual asking a question , but giving an opinion .
[QUOTE=": "Are you hungry, zombie boy? Do you even still remember the last time you eat something?" Please give me your thoughts, any suggestions or critics I do really appreciate it.[/QUOTE] Also I think you should switch "even" and "still" and replace "you eat something" with "you've eaten something"
Here's what I would do. Reduce the line to the bare minimum. (kernel sentence) Do you remember? Add the necessary pieces for precision. "Something" should be left off, IMO. Of all the "things" (something, nothing, everything), it's the most useless. When you really think about it, it just means "a vague number of vague objects." It says so little that it can often be deleted. Often, not always. It might come back for voice. Do you remember the last time you ate? Add the nuance of an adverb. I wouldn't put "still" and "even" together. Do you even remember the last time you ate? If the character has a voice that comes into play, I'd adjust for it from this last point. You even remember the last time you ate? D'you even remember eating? Like, yesterday? Not to say that even has to be done, but that's where you let the style walk all over the grammar, especially in dialog.
Beware of filter and distancing words although you have not used any here. You may wish to look into them if you are not already aware. The point is don't create a gap between the story and the reader. That said it could be argued that the example you have used does exactly that by making the dialogue unnecessarily wordy. Cut out unnecessary words like 'even, still and something from that example of dialogue. The result would be using 12 words instead of 15. Also, consider that some words become invisible so do not overuse / waste them. Consider using contractions, instead of 'I cannot' consider using 'Can't.' Especially in dialogue as it sounds more natural. All of these things become really important when looking at show vs tell and character point of view.
