Hi all. Read a few things on the web about this but would like to get a group of people's suggestions regarding this issue. Now this in regards to idioms during narration not for speech, though the scene as it is currently written is 3rd person omniscient . Opinions on the use of idioms in such cases? As an example for the omniscient scene: "He stopped, mesmerised, like a deer in headlights". Deer existing is fine. Cars and headlights in this world? Not quite so much, though this is narration and I think you could get away with it, thoughts?
Wouldn't necessarily bother me. The tone of the narration would matter a lot. This kind of out-of-context idiom cropped up in Discworld all the time, and it was fine - because usually it was there to make a joke and the joke was good. If it turned up in the middle of Game Of Thrones I think I would have found it far more jarring. Better, if you can manage it, is to find an in-universe idiom that the reader will understand: He stopped, frozen, like he'd just trodden on a dragon's tail. That puts across fear and the heart-stopping moment where you don't know if it's noticed you and if you're about to be eaten. Won't work if you've already established dragons in your setting are generally 6 inches long and good pets for children. You can, of course, use whatever standard idioms you want that keep you writing in the first draft and then change them up to something more setting-appropriate in the second. I find that good advice, though I'm still trying to learn it.
Using "headlights" in a setting where cars don't exist would push the narration into omniscient range. Can you get away with it? Sure, but you'll detach the POV from the character in subtle ways that may or may not affect the vibe of the story. I would catch that immediately and probably stop reading for a minute while I tried to figure it out. Maybe not fatal, but definitely not genuine.
I try to stay away from what has been referred to as "worn phases." Your dear in headlights is a perfect example of a warn phrase. And if headlights don't exist in your story, surely, there is a better way to say what you mean. Fantasy or not I would go light on the idioms if you choose to use them at all.
Omniscient gives you more leeway, but I’d still find this jarring if it came up in a fantasy story that wasn’t meant to be a parody or otherwise humorous. Seconded.
Thanks for the comments. I should also mention that my MC is technically familiar with modern day Earth, which might actually add a little something different to it. Though another added factor is that she (the excerpt is of a guy staring at her mesmerised) is from a country that also may not use the deer in headlights idiom. Yes, it's a little convoluted...
it's a very well-used idiom, which means it carries very little weight regardless of setting. I'd write something else, probably.
This is true, I'll keep it in my first draft then look to change it as others have offered for examples. But let us consider the example as a stand in for other idioms in a fantasy setting, with a main character knowledgeable of Earth as something that may or may not impact the narration. Assuming anyone else has other thoughts on the matter?
I usually write 3rd omniscient and am careful to steer clear of non-applicable idioms. For instance, one of my pet peeves is the use of the word "fire" to describe archery. "Fire" to describe the discharge of weapons did not enter the lexicon until the advent of gunpowder. For your example I would probably do something like: "He stopped, mesmerized, like a deer with its eyes transfixed in the glow of a lantern" But then you can take this passage from The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien: "In that last hour Beorn himself had appeared — no one knew how or from where. He came alone, and in bear's shape; and he seemed to have grown almost to giant-size in his wrath. The roar of his voice was like drums and guns; and he tossed wolves and goblins from his path like straws and feathers. He fell upon their rear, and broke like a clap of thunder through the ring. The dwarves were making a stand still about their lords upon a low rounded hill. Then Beorn stooped and lifted Thorin, who had fallen pierced with spears, and bore him out of the fray." Middle Earth did not have guns...so in this case, the author was narrating the story as if retelling it to a 20th-century audience who knew what guns were.
