How can I go about improving the description below so it sounds better? The description below is the form is the superpower form that supernatural female can assume. Physical Description: A statuesque woman of unearthly beauty and grace walks in. There is something sexy about the way she carries herself, a hidden power to her movements. She has a muscular yet feminine frame with flawless smooth-as-silk, white skin. Flaring from her back is a gigantic pair of leathery wings that can wrap around her body like a cloak. The joints of the wings are laced with a razor-like claw and adorned with jewelry. The wings crest two feet higher than her head and have a wingspan of twenty feet. Protruding from her head is a pair of large segmented upward curving horns. Her soft, silky, and lustrous white hair that drapes down to her waist is worn in an exaggerated dragon tail braid. Her oval-shaped face looks angelic. A small, but perfectly upturned nose rests between two mesmerizing eyes that luminescent yellow orbs. You can’t help but be captivated by her glance. Three small gorgeous gold earrings are worn in both of her pointed ears. Her luscious full lips that are painted red deceive her authority. Around her neck, she wears a black dog collar with spikes. Her general attire consists of an amazingly designed black breastplate which shows off her medium-sized breast and leaves her toned midriff bare. An emerald ring pierces her navel. Her long, sexy legs and perfectly tight and toned buttocks are shown off in an almost skirt-like plate armor of black tassets and matching knee-length black steel boots with half inch length heels. In both of her hands she holds a wicked-looking longsword as if they were an extension of her body. Protruding from the end of her spine is a three long tapering tail that ends in a curved stinger.
My first thought is trim that down. Do things like the belly button ring have any bearing on later events? How much of that can you hint at some the reader fills in the details. Picture a single audience member of your target readers, put yourself in there place and ask what do I need to know about this character and their looks.
Hi @Meadyaon, and welcome to the forum. The first question that this piece raises with me is "what is it?". It reads like the story-line of 1980s D&D style game to me, if that's the desired effect then you have probably nailed it. If it's something you're writing as a bit of fun for your kids, it's probably okay (anything goes), if it's an extract from something that you are intending to publish to a greater audience, it needs a bit of work, but an idea of the target audience would help.
I think I would need to know what audience you're writing for and what it is meant to convey. It may be that we don't actually need to know about her breast size, butt and legs.
What is this for? If you are doing a simple character sketch for your own reference. then whatever you put in is fine, because it will serve that purpose for you. It's not really of much use for a story as written, people don't talk that way and it lacks a point of reference. All the items you describe might be relevant, but no one but you can know until you put this into a story.
Is the story written in present tense? That plus the sheer amount of description makes it read more like a character sheet. I would take a lot of that out, just give the essentials, especially if this is an action scene (is it?). Some of the detail can be given at another time if it's important enough, some of it probably doesn't need to be given at all. And most importantly, it should be woven into the story. You don't want to just halt the action for so long. This is exactly how my friend and I used to do descriptions when we were writing Star Wars fanfic (not exactly fanfic, but a story very much like the original Star Wars). We even went so far as to go from the ground up. But a little ways in it struck me that each time we did this the whole story just stopped dead until the description was over. I don't know what the scene is she's entering into, so I'll make something up. I'm switching to past tense. And I don't know who the POV character is or anything. I'll just have to wing it. As soon as it says can we're out of scene and into that timeless state. Scene always takes place in the present moment—it's right now, it isn't 'Always' or 'At times'. It also isn't 'She can" or "Sometimes she might." All of these constructions take us out of the here-and-now and out of scene (which is necessary for showing). So I'll instead try to show her wrapping the wings around herself like a cloak. Slattery nudged me in the ribs with a bony elbow. "What the hell man, check it out." He was goggling up into the harsh glaring sky, where something was plummeting downward. Something bigger than any bird I've ever seen, with huge bat wings. "Is it a woman?" He scratched his head. "How could it be a—" "Holy sheeee.... it is a woman!" I was speechless. Not sure woman is the right word, but it did have the body lines of one. And a damn fine one at that. Little muscular for my taste, but not too much. Just before she would have slammed into the ground she scooped air with those big wings, slowed her fall, and landed with unexpected grace a few dozen feet ahead. Soldiers scrambled out of the way and stood marveling at her. A few rifles were leveled at her but nobody fired yet—they didn't seem sure whether they should shoot her or try to talk her up. "Do not fear me," she said, standing with an arrogant, imperious posture. The wings wrapped themselves around her body like some kind of cloak. "Damn!" Slattery exploded. "She's fine! And she talks." Ok, I think that's enough to get an idea across. I think any more detail would be too much at this point. Lol, I stuck her into a modern military setting. Why not, it was fun. When the two guys get closer and get a better look at her, there can be some more description, but really I wouldn't do much. The only way I'd get into her assets and miniskirt etc is if it's leaning toward erotica. But the point is, you only mention details when they become important. I mentioned the wings (with no real detail) because she was flying, and all I mentioned about her really is that she looks like a woman, and a good-looking one at that, plus her imperious posture. Those are what you'd notice from a few dozen feet away I think, in such a disorienting moment.
That is probably the best use for this long description. Use it as a character sheet and pull bits from it as the story needs the information.
Ok, I'll try to tackle the next phase, where they get closer. If she remains the center of attention (and she definitely would, unless something really intense is going on) they might notice more detail about her, because she's an anomaly, and because she's an attractive female among a bunch of soldiers. We joined the circle of soldiers that was gathering around her. Sarge was there, and trying to establish order, but failing badly. "Who are you?" One of them asked. Questions and comments started coming from all around. "Where did you come from? "How come you can fly?" "Did you fall from Heaven?" Slattery said, grinning like a buffoon. "Cause you look like an angel to me!" She did look angelic in certain regards—white skin and hair the color of milk, an unbelievably pretty face. But the leathery bat wings gave the opposite impression if you ask me. That plus the two wicked horns curving up from her forehead. She really wasn't wearing much—some kind of ornate black breastplate and a skirt made of strips of black leather, like something a Centurion might have worn. High-heeled boots that looked like steel. And that was about it. Oh, and she had a tail with what looked like a big stinger on the end of it. We could only see these things because she kept the wing-cloak halfway open, and the tail kept moving around restlessly. I think that's about all the detail I'd give at this point, until something else becomes important enough to mention. Oh, and I did say 'like something a Centurion might have worn,' which takes us out of scene momentarily. That's OK since it's the POV character's inner monologue, it isn't really narration. Even though he's the narrator, we're seeing his inner monologue, and people do think like this. But I did not use that construction for any statements about her, because he doesn't know what she 'can' or 'might' do, at this point he only knows what she actually is doing. He could make might or would statements about Slattery because they know each other. But he knows nothing at this point about the demon/angel creature, she's brand new and an unknown factor to him.
Lol I just realized, I must have been thinking of this commercial: Winged angels literally 'Falling from Heaven." Only they seem to have forgotten to scoop air and slow the fall. Which is far more dramatic and shows how invulnerable they are. And how stricken with lust because the guy was wearing Axe. Actually this is a better sequence of events. More realistic. You wouldn't be able to tell it's a woman, or that she has bat wings while she's falling (if she falls the way they did). Just something falling from the sky. Then when she lands you'd be able to start making out the details.
Fantastic. I like your fix a lot. Reminds me of Pratchett. .,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,. I was going to point out something similar. Basically, stay in the story. Let the description move through character and setting so that you're building upon them even when describing a new character as the focus. Little clusters of description can work, but not a 250+ word paragraph because that's an entire paperback page. It's too much for static detail. If someone were to do such a thing, they would still find a way to vary its rhythm. (I say this, but there are definitely older books that fall into massive static descriptions. Those are 19th century works though.) Xoic's fix is spot on. There are an infinite number of similar approaches. They'll all stay in the story. The key is to shift and move to different elements (dialog, character, setting, active elements) while you're introducing your character.
Another thing you can do, that helps weave description into the story, is—well, I'll just show you: A couple of the guys tried to sidle up close to her, and the tail swung toward them with that big stinger threatening like the head of a snake. They stepped back to a more respectful distance real quick. Rather than just describe, I used the tail to help advance the scene, and at the same time it allowed me to say more about it. I could even add that it moved smoothly, with an incredible grace or something.
Thanks! Yes, this. Flow smoothly through the various elements of writing. You always want to be doing that. Don't just switch into static description and stay there for a long time, then go back to story. Flow through dialogue, action, description etc. Yeah, Like Seven Crowns said. It just bears repeating.
That commercial actually is a masterclass in extreme short-form storytelling. Pay attention to the way things unfold, and how much detail you can see at each stage. At first we mostly notice the setting, a nice Mediterranean village it looks like. Italian maybe, someplace where you'd almost expect to see mythological characters wearing togas and sandals that lace up to the knees. But then something strange happens. Something is falling from the sky. We can't tell what it is. It crashes hard into the ground. One guy was too close and got knocked forcibly back by the intense impact. Now we get a much closer shot. People are freaking out and stepping back. We still have no idea what or who fell from the sky. Now things slow down, and something starts to stand up from the center of the impact crater. Someone. It's a woman, and more than that, a displaced Victoria's Secret Angel, with actual angel wings. We notice her extreme beauty, and that the wings, unlike in a Victoria's Secret runway show, actually function. She seems lost, as if she doesn't know where she is or what's going on. But she looks in one direction as if drawn toward something there, and starts walking that way, ignoring the bemused people around her. She still seems dazed, but more purposeful now. Then we see another one fall. And another. And another, At this point we realize it isn't a bunch of unrelated things, it's some kind of a trend. There's some reason these beautiful angels are falling from the sky. What is that reason? And they all seem to be walking toward some common center, drawn there for some reason. We don't know where or why yet. Sequencing these things is vitally important, in the right order, with the right timing. Shot after shot we see some of the people reacting. One of them is a studly guy with a motorcycle (or a scooter?) It becomes clear the angels are converging on him. But why? Then we see their facial expressions start to change, from lost and stunned to lustful and excited. One grabs her halo and smashes it to the ground. Well, that's unexpected and shocking! Then more do, until they've all done it. Scornfully. They really don't want to be angels anymore! Why? Well, because this guy is a real stud, and he's wearing his Axe body spray. Oh, well of course!! Then that catch phrase, which puts it all into context—"Even angels will fall." It's the punch line, the big statement at the end that makes sense of everything that's happened and wraps it all up. What it really means, and the entire meaning of the commercial, is that Axe body spray will make even good girls go wild with lust for you and become bad girls. This is a great sequence of scene beats that present a mystery. Several mysteries really. What is that falling? It's a beautiful woman. No, an angel! Why does she seem stunned and lost, and why is she moving in that particular direction? Oh, there are many angels falling, and all converging on something. What is it? And why? Oh, it's that sexy sexy man, on his sexy scooter. Irresistable! Wait, they're revolting! They're all smashing their halos! Why? Ah, it's because Axe body spray is so overwhelming. Of course! That explains it all. And now we even realize why they fell from heaven in the first place. It takes a moment for that to sink in though. You sort of work you way back to that first question and the answer comes to you gradually. This is excellently written. Pay attention to things like this, where story unfolds so brilliantly. I definitely try to notice it in movies, shows, and even commercials. Commercials don't all have a story, but some do, and often they're perfect little polished gems of story like this one. As writing students we need to be thinking about these things all the time (not just when writing or reading), and notice them when we see them.
I just realized—not only are these great story beats, they're also the question, answer, question sequence recommended by Bill Johnson here: Bringing the Dead to Life—Notes on Twilight by Bill Johnson Sorry, getting off topic. But I think all these things lead into each other. When trying to understand how to present description (or any of the elements of writing), you run smack into the need to understand story beats and scene beats (which are the same thing for such a short commercial), and that leads straight to question, answer, question. For me anyway. I think it's one of the great principles. Everything draws the reader in, so they can learn the why or the wherefore behind the reveal you just made. Every reveal should raise new questions, to keep leading them in deeper, until the end when they've all been answered. This is how you do it. The other best resource I've run across for story beats and scene beats is this: Step Outlines @ The Sticking Place. Combine these and you'll be an amazing writer (after several years of study and practice). When I first ran across these ideas I knew they were pure gold, but I couldn't fully wrap my head around them. I kept going back and reading them, thinking about them, trying to see them in stories etc, and to use them. Slowly it's started to take hold and I can see it showing up in my writing. It's one of those life riddles you work at for years and that slowly unravel as long as you keep working at it.
I noticed in the commercial (watched it again) that one of the angels 'shrugged' her wings, rather than her shoulders. This is excellent stuff! If you have mythological or alien characters with extra body parts (wings, tail, what have you), use them dramatically. Have the character gesture with them expressively, so they become activated rather than just hanging there like parts of a dead costume. "Her face was impassive, but the tip of her tail kept restlessly probing and twitching. I think it meant she was nervous and couldn't quite hide it."
I was not sure what I was going to do with this character so I thought I might post this character so I could get help in improving my writing skills.
So is this just a descriptive paragraph outside of a story? Like on a character sheet? Or is it info given kind of like you'd read out of game guide. You know, like say a description within "T1 Village of Hommlet," and this is the description of the character you see?
Okay, I understand now. This is what you read off at the beginning of a session? In that case, it'll be pretty descriptively dense. But even then, you can break the flow. It helps. I'll mix in a little in the middle, though I'm just making it up because only you know this character. Before you is a woman of grace and bearing. Her skin is alabaster white. Her frame, lean yet still feminine, belies hidden power. From her back sprouts a pair of leathery wings. Each wing-rib is laced with a razor sharp claw adorned with a jewel. When she unfolds her wings, they reach two feet above her head and out to a span of 20 feet. Her face is oval and angelic, with a small upturned nose, dainty ears pierced with golden rings, and eyes the color of topaz. Two horns like those of an ibex, curve past her white crown of hair. She has tied her hair back into an exaggerated dragon tail braid which hangs to her waistline. About her neck is a collar hooked with short though sinister spikes, and over her chest is a black breastplate filigreed with vinework, which when you peer closer seem to coil about the bones of the dead. Her foes or her ancestors? You cannot say. They may be both. Her midriff is nonchalantly bare, and her legs reach from long black boots up to a skirt of plate tassets. She holds a wicked looking longsword. A tail, which you hadn't noticed before, swishes slowly behind her, as if in mild irritation at your gaze. Her tail ends in a curved stinger. Something like that? It's still a lot of words, so you should think about how long it would take you to read it to the group. I guess it should be about as many words as the rest of the party, but sometimes less is more, and it might be better for certain details to be remembered distinctly. The trick in the middle is all about pulling out of the sensory, which is always right before you, and instead flip to fantasy, which is in your head. It's an inner-wits trick, if anyone cares. It allows you to keep describing with a "breather" in the middle. I would do something like that even if it's some other imagining.
That is the most detailed character description I have ever seen for gaming. In my opinion, for a gaming character it has moved well past the line of TMI.
I forgot to mention she has the body of the most attractive fitness model in the world and also she happens to be the most attractive female being on earth since I gave her unearthly beauty in her superpowered form. The reason she has the inhuman features she does is do to the fact that I happen to like those inhuman features that she has. Also after looking at what I have on her she is suppose to have clawed fingers instead of a sword. If I give her clawed fingers then I might make her dress more like a dominatrix.
