1. doggiedude

    doggiedude Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2016
    Messages:
    1,411
    Likes Received:
    1,287
    Location:
    Florida, USA, Earth, The Sol System

    Non-standard sentence format

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by doggiedude, Aug 18, 2016.

    I want to try something a little different. This fits the "voice" of my current piece but it's not a normal way to write this sort of sentence.

    Crawling on his belly, left leg dragging in a torrent of heat and pain, “Dear God this sucks,” he approached monkeyboy.

    Does the spoken section work?
     
  2. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2010
    Messages:
    15,262
    Likes Received:
    13,084
    I'd need more context to be confident, but, yes, I think that there's every possibility that it could be a successful nonstandard...thing. :)
     
  3. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    23,826
    Likes Received:
    20,815
    Location:
    El Tembloroso Caribe
    I feel what you're doing here, but stringing the dialogue into the rest of the sentence like that with just commas feels broken. It would feel more purposeful in intent - to me - were you to leave it without a dialogue tag (there's no need for it) and punctuate a little more standardly.

    Crawling on his belly, left leg dragging in a torrent of heat and pain. “Dear God this sucks.” He approached monkeyboy.

    I don't mind that the first sentence is a long fragment. I don't mind that the dialogue is tagless. It's almost like a reverse beat. Just my opinion. Others will follow. :)
     
    Sifunkle, izzybot and Tenderiser like this.
  4. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    7,471
    Likes Received:
    10,216
    Location:
    London, UK
    I'm with @Wreybies. It reads like a mistake/typo rather than a deliberate style choice.
     
  5. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2010
    Messages:
    15,262
    Likes Received:
    13,084
    I suspect that my tolerance from it comes from a childhood reading Rumer Godden's nonstandard use of dialogue in the middle of sentences. This is somewhat more nonstandard than hers, but hers was nonstandard. Since the rest of the world didn't read a lot of Rumer Godden in their childhood, my opinion may have very limited weight. :)
     
  6. doggiedude

    doggiedude Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2016
    Messages:
    1,411
    Likes Received:
    1,287
    Location:
    Florida, USA, Earth, The Sol System
    The way you wrote it out was the way I originally wrote it. After looking it over, I didn't like the fragment section, but I think you're right, it needs to be separated.
     
  7. theamorset

    theamorset Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2016
    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    73
    Location:
    midwest
    I'm with the two who said they didn't cotton to it.
     
  8. OurJud

    OurJud Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    May 21, 2009
    Messages:
    9,502
    Likes Received:
    9,758
    Location:
    England
    The main problem with the sentence, as other have already alluded to, is that not only does the dialogue tag sound off, it's just plain incorrect. Maybe I'm showing my ignorance, but can 'approached' technically be used as a dialogue tag? Imagine it on its own, in the middle of a dialogue.

    "bla bla bla bla bla," said monkeyboy.
    "Dear God this sucks," he approached.
     
  9. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    23,826
    Likes Received:
    20,815
    Location:
    El Tembloroso Caribe
    I think that's the main problem with it. I don't think that @doggiedude is using that last phrase is a dialogue tag at all. It's just the last in a series of phrases strung together by commas (wherein lies the "non-standardness" to which he makes reference), but since it comes right after dialogue it looks exactly like a dialogue tag that doesn't work because it doesn't address the delivery of the dialogue in any way.
     
    OurJud likes this.
  10. OurJud

    OurJud Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    May 21, 2009
    Messages:
    9,502
    Likes Received:
    9,758
    Location:
    England
    Yes, I've just come back to say I am showing my ignorance. The fact that he says 'he approached monkeyboy' tells you it's not a tag, but as you say it's punctuated that way so it looks and, more importantly, sounds wrong.

    Other than that, and punctuated the way you suggest, it's quite an intriguing sentence. Although my personal preference would be for the last sentence to continue.

    Crawling on his belly, left leg dragging in a torrent of heat and pain. “Dear God this sucks.” He approached monkeyboy and...
     
  11. SardonicWriter

    SardonicWriter Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    21
    Perhaps delete one comma and get rid of quotation marks entirely?

    Crawling on his belly, left leg dragging in a torrent of heat and pain —Dear God this sucks —, approaching monkeyboy.

    Although it would look odd if the rest of your writing didn't follow this particular format.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice