Kalahastian (Science Fiction Short Story Series Blurb)

This is for a short story series I plan on releasing part by part on different sites for free. It's basically a short bit of text meant to draw the reader in while still informing them of what the story will be about. My intent was to keep it somewhat spoiler free while maintaining a bit of suspense.
Please tell me if it is good enough or if it needs changes.

Updated the text in post #14:
https://www.writingforums.org/threads/kalahastian-science-fiction-short-story-series-blurb.176551/#post-2021322

Here is the text:

Kalahastian works as a mercenary in Dy Ferentise, a black hole city, until a standard gig goes awry and he finds himself forced to work for a new employer with a team of his choosing. He quickly discovers that the employer has a subservient agenda for Kal. Will he strike out on his own together with his new team of allies? Or will he suffer the whip and the law? Perhaps other peoples' cargo holds will contain what he desires and the answers he seeks?

 

Maybe you could punch it up a bit with stronger language/more active verbs. The verb "works" (used twice) is rather flat. There's no sense of what kind of warrior Kal is. What kind of warrior is he? And he is still a mercenary under the new employer? Then, the word "until" is not quite accurate. And rather than using the word "employer", maybe use the new employer's name and/or title.

 

Thank you @Louanne Learning

I cooked up version two:

Kalahastian, a former rank and file soldier of the Spherium, a mighty multi-national state spanning many galaxies, fights as a mercenary in Dy Ferentise, a black hole city. During a standard gig, things go wrong and Kal finds himself under forced employment. He gets to pick his own team as he's once more thrust into the service of the Spherian war machine. Kal suffers broken promises and quickly discovers that his masters have a servile agenda set for him. Will Kal submit and work off his debts? Or will he strike out on his own together with his new allies? Perhaps his answers and desires lie in other peoples' cargo holds?

 

That's better!

 

Maybe too many sentences in a row where he's completely passive. I highlighted the passive parts in red. It feels like repetition, where maybe one brief sentence could get that passive part across.

And then suddenly mysterious new allies appear. What allies? They weren't mentioned anywhere. I think I would remove much of the passive stuff, boil it down to a quick statement, and say something instead about his allies and the possible nature of the adventure they're launching into.

I also think a few things are too vague. Things go wrong? Suffers broken promises? These plus the sudden appearance of new allies makes it all feel a bit too vague and mysterious for my liking. Specificity is a strength, though you do want to strike a balance with some degree of vagueness. It's about finding the right amounts, as most things are in writing (in any art form). I just think this falls a bit too far on the sides of passivity and vagueness.

 

I also just noticed the last sentence:

There's something off about it. It's like someone saying "My destiny lies in your basement!" I don't quite know what to call it or how to explain it, but the ending makes it sound almost like a joke, like it started off about aspirartions and lofty goals and ambitions, and ended with a dull thump in "Other people's cargo holds." Which also sounds passive, like he isn't forging his own destiny or even discovering it anyplace exciting, but going through refuse in people's sheds and garages or something. It's a plunge from the starry-eyed and ambitious to something dismal and dull and even belonging to other people. His destiny should belong to himself, not be found in other peoples' anything.

I'm not criticizing the idea (I don't even understand what it means, that his destiny lies in other peoples' cargo holds), only the wording used here. You could probably say the same thing, but so people understand what it means, and in words that don't sound like a Monty Python joke.

 

Thank you @Xoic

I pondered some of your critique and changed a bit of the text. I think you somewhere mixed up my word "desires" with the word destiny regarding the cargo holds, but I may be wrong. There is indeed a balance to strike, and it needs to strike just right. Here is version three:

Kalahastian, a former rank and file soldier of the Spherium, a mighty multi-national state spanning many galaxies, fights as a mercenary in Dy Ferentise, a black hole city. During a standard gig, the wrong person dies and Kal finds himself shackled to a forced employment. He gets to pick his own team as he's once more thrust into the service of the Spherian war machine. Kal suffers broken promises from his masters and quickly discovers that they have a servile agenda set for him. Will Kal yield his freedom and work off his blood-debt? Or will he strike out on his own together with his new team of friends? How many spaceship cargo holds will they disturb? What planets may they visit? How many lives will they impact? And will Kal find his place among the stars?

 

I wouldn't be posting the revised versions so quickly. When someone does that it seems like they're not putting much thought into the revision, just doing a surface-level edit and changing a few words here and there. Even for a blurb it seems like a serious revision should take more time than that. Like at least a day, unless the blurb is already structurally sound and mostly fine but you're just doing some spiffing-up of wording or something. And I could be wrong—maybe a really thoughtful edit can be done in a few minutes, but it feels like you're just riffing off something quickly and posting it immediately.

Something I notice now, that was there all along, but I had to work through my earlier comments before I could see it—there's too much exposition here. The first sentence contains explanations of what Kalahastian is, what the Spherium is, and that Dy Ferentise is a black hole city. One way to lessen the impact of that would be to change the format for one of them. In each case it's name followed by comma, followed by explanation. I would demolish that repeating pattern. Maybe something like—

Kalahastian was tired of being a pawn—a mercenary in the black hole city of Dy Ferentise, controlled by powerful Spherium overlords. ​

In trying to write this (it still needs a lot of work), and looking back to your last version several times, I noticed more repetition. It says he begins as a rank-and-file soldeir for the Spherium, then he's a mercenary in Dy Ferentise, and then later he's forced again into service for them. I'm confused about if some information is being repeated, or if he got out of Spherian service a couple of times and drawn back in each time? It should move smoothly through what feels like a progression, a narrative, and not be about exposition. There needs to be a dramatic through-line. Something like this:

Jake started at the bottom, cleaning out kennels for Doggytown Enterprises, but even at such a lowly position he knew he was cut out for better things. His friends and family pitied him, some people outright made fun of him, but he refused to cave under their insults. Then one day a beautiful and mysterious woman came in looking for a dog, and though he was just a janitor, she wanted his advice over that of his smug superiors. This was the beginning of a star-spanning adventure featuring savage cartels, smuggled diamonds, and all manner of intrigue and subterfuge. His biggest problem now was that, though he had become a hero, he couldn't tell anyone about it. Thus begins the story of Jake Millenball, humble scooper of the poop and galaxy-spanning superspy extraordiannaire.
​

What I notice from writing this is the structure of the sentences—the way they create drama and flow one into the next. Give me a few minutes and I'll try to explain what I mean. Meanwhile, I see Homer has just made part of my post irrelevant...

 

Thanks! It does one more thing too. It sets up the story by saying he was tired of being a mercenary. He's discontent with his life as it is—that's the beginning point for a story.

I've heard that story uses a certain kind of language. I think this refers to outlines, beat sheets, blurbs, and synopses, where a single sentence covers a whole story beat or scene. It shouldn't be "This happened, then this happened, then that happened." That isn't a story, it's more like a list. Instead (and I'm using this story-language thing right here, just realized it) you need to connect sentences with things like "So therefore," or "As a result of that," or "And because that happened," (or "Instead.") But (and this is an important But)—there needs to be a But. A big But. I mean J-Lo sized. "Dude was happily doin' his thing, minding his own business, but something happened, and as a result, he found he had to really scramble to get his shit back together." That's practially a story in itself, largely because it has a nice But and an "As a result." These statements don't always need to be physically present, they can be implied. They usually are in fact, but their presence needs to be felt.

If you look back at my little Doggytown story above, it has this kind of structure. Each sentence follows dramatically from the last one, and modifies things to set up for the next one, using something like a But or a Therefore, (even if they're only implied). Just having these words in mind makes a paragraph dramatic, because it makes everything connected by causality and includes sudden unexpected changes (the Buts). Those Buts mean the protag needs to really struggle. That's what story is, and it needs to come through in a blurb as well. A blurb needs to be a story, with plenty of drama.

 

Thank you both, @Homer Potvin and @Xoic

I will think on what you have written, and what you may write more, Xoic. I will try to understand it and incorporate that knowledge to the best of my abilities for the fourth amendment of the text.

 

Lol—what, me post several times in a row? Never!

 

I had some iterations (I am up to version six on my end.) before this one that I am posting now. I decided to spoil some things because it may have been necessary. It is a bit shorter than your standard blurb, which I've read should be between 100 to 200 words.

Here is version four:

Kalahastian, a widower, slices his way through his enemies as he fights as a mercenary in a black hole city. On a standard mission he kills the wrong person and is arrested by the superstate he once served. Kal gets a deal he can't refuse from his masters. Still eager to escape their clutches, Kal seeks to forge his own path among the stars and to find a new purpose for his existence by visiting a desolate planet where he meets a girl who can alter reality itself.

I'd appreciate any opinions on this version.

 

The blurb should be sweeping, like the story, and so I would advise against starting with a comma clause. Is it important to know he is a widower? And two "as" in one sentence - maybe a different structure to avoid "as."
I'd also suggest routine is a better word than standard. And it reads a little incomplete?

Kalahastian fights as a mercenary in a black hole city. On a routine mission, the wrong person is killed, and Kal is arrested by the superstate. To save his skin, he accepts a deal from the masters, but is eager to escape their clutches. His path takes him to the stars, where new purpose is found on a desolate planet. Will the reality-bending girl he meets there alter his reality, too?

 

Thank you @Louanne Learning
Back to the drawing board.

I liked your version a lot. I've looked at a few sources and videos concerning writing a blurb, and one mentioned that you should avoid asking a rhetorical question at the end. The reasoning, if I remember correctly was that the reader will find out in the text anyway, or something like that.

The reason I mentioned that he was a widower, was to perhaps garner some early sympathy. And because his loss is what explains a lot of his behaviour and motivations.

 

easy enough to change it into a statement

 

You want to set up what his story problem is right away, then let readers know how he tried to solve it a few times but failed maybe, and then how he finally succeeded. Actually I guess you don't give away the ending in the blurb, but you mention his plan to solve it. Mentioning that he's a widower right away makes it seem like that must be his main story problem, but it isn't. There's no room for irrelevant details in a blurb, I'd lose the widower thing. You haven't really clearly stated what his story problem is, but it seems like it's that he's stuck slaving away as a mercenary for his overlords? If so, just come right out and say it, don't make people work to figure out what you mean in the blurb. It needs to be very direct. Something like:

Here's his problem. He tried this and this and that, but still couldn't solve it. But finally he tried this, and bam! He was free. Now without a plan or a dollar in his pocket, he's forced to set down on a desolate planet, where he​

No, it's lost connection to his main story problem, which was to escape servitude as a murder-slave. That already happened, and now something different and unrelated is starting to happen. It sounds like the story ended three-quarters of the way through the blurb, and now a new story is starting. His story problem needs to be the same one all the way through, and the climax is where he solves it.

You need to be able to clearly state his story problem, what blocked him from solving it throughout, and how he finally did solve it. If you can't do that, then you might have story problems to solve beyond just writing a good blurb.

It almost seems like the story starts here, or the second story does. Because you stated a story problem here, but it's a pretty weak one. He "Seeks to forge his path among the stars." Seeks to, or does? Seeking means he wants to, but it doesn't mean he succeeded. This also makes it seem like his story problem now is to seek to forge a path, and to find a new purpose for his existence. I wouldn't double-state it like that, and I'd try to state it more strongly. But really, this is different from his earlier story problem, which was to escape from servitude. There needs to be one clear story problem, and that needs to be at the heart of every sentence in the blurb.

It's a problem in the beginning, he tries to solve it, and finally at the end of the blurb, he's launching on a method that seems likely to solve it. Notice I kept saying it—I can do that because the subject of every sentence is his story problem. There needs to be a tightness to it like this.

 

Thanks, @Xoic

Perhaps I need to rethink this whole thing. Kalahastian is supposed to be serialised. Think Star Trek, Stargate, and more important Firefly (from where most of the inspiration for this story comes), where some episodes/parts do not further the plot, but has its own plot and story arc. The blurb is pretty much an introduction to the first three to five parts and what happens in them.
I have an outline that ends with the introduction parts last time I checked (got my work on a laptop). It's meant to set up the universe, the characters, and some of the basics of what is going to happen. Basically it will be a pirate/mercenary/smuggler/outlaw series.

With the blurb or intro-text I try to tell people he will become a pirate without telling them he will become a pirate.

The reason it might be so hard to write this blurb is because the story isn't finished. It's not supposed to be finished yet, it is supposed to be continuous until I find a fitting end for it somewhere down the years.

So the question is, do I write the blurb with the intention of introducing the first parts of the series? (Like I have been trying.) Or do I write it like the first parts have already happened and they're out among the stars already?

Edit:
Come to think on it, blurb is perhaps the wrong idea of what I am trying to do with this text? I'm so thick headed it hurts, sorry.

Edit 2: Never mind, blurb is the correct idea...

 

Kalahastian has lost it all. Selling his special skills as a mercenary in Black Hole City seemed a good idea until the wrong person gets killed on a routine mission. Wanted by Superstate, he trades his freedom for one last job. On a desolate planet, he meets Realitybending Girl and her mission to fix the universe, planet by planet. Except, the universe just won't stay fixed.

I don't know about blurbs but hope there might be something useful for you above. One thing that struck me, not naming the black hole city, superstate, reality altering girl, all put Generic ID in my head. Even if the names don't mean much, I'd suggest including them so reader gets a sense of the world waiting inside the book(s).

 

Ah, there it is!! So this is why you were being so vague. I could feel an aversion to just coming right out with what's happening, in each draft so far, and it was frustrating. We were discussing recently the importance of people knowing what genre a story is set in, so they understand what they're getting into when they pick the book up. Shouldn't that be a factor in the blurb too? If somebody reads the back cover trying to get a feel for the series, shouldn't they know by the end of the blurb that this space priate series is about a space pirate?

Do you mean you haven't fully worked out what happens in the first book yet? Or are you referring to the entire series not being finished? The blurb on the back cover of book one should set up the entire series, but mostly it's supposed to be about what happens in book one. It's basically the origin story of the space pirate. Is he not space-pirating by the end of the first book? Oh, and now I see what you mean by his destiny (or whatever you called it) lying in other people's holds. Suddenly all these vague mysterious statements make sense.

It might be a good idea to look at the blurbs for a few different books—the first of a series—and see if the author hides what the series is about. I doubt you'll find any that do. I'd say most of the blurb should be about the first book, and maybe the last sentence or two could set up for the series. That part doesn't need to be too specific, but it should at least be clear that he's a pirate, and what kind of adventures are in store for the readers. I'd finish it with something along the lines of:

He throws off the shackles of indentured servitude and lifts off for soaring adventure, plunder, and romance on the high spaceways as captain of the priate vessel Onomatopoeia (or whatever it's called).​

 

I tried to grab the blurb for Conan the Barbarian, but there are a lot of newer series' about the character, and apparently it's difficult to find a single novel called that now, they're all collected omnibuses or something similar. Here's one:

Two classic tales featuring Robert E Howard's legendary warrior hero: Conan, a savage hero in a fantasy world populated by sorcerers, warriors and monsters. He's a warrior from the Northern wastes of Cimmeria, fighting his way through soft-bellied Hyboria and on to the Throne. This is worldbuilding on an epic scale, and Conan is the compelling hero at the centre of a wild ride of intrigue and mayhem. The lands that Conan stalks through are savage in tooth and claw - his age is a time of chaos and destruction, of empires and wizards, of battles won and loves lost.​

It's all clearly spelled out right in the first sentence—he's a savage barbarian hero in a fantasy world populated by sorcerers, warriors, and monsters. No vagueness no mystery. Readers know right up front what they're getting. Another one:

This is the story of the ape-man Tarzan, raised in the wild by the great ape Kala, and how he learns the secrets of the jungle to survive—how to talk with the animals, swing through the trees, and fight the great predators. As Tarzan grows up, he makes many friends, including Tantor the elephant and Numa the lion. When this paradise is invaded by white men, Tarzan’s life changes, for in this group is Jane, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
​

These are a little different, because they aren't the original blurbs from the original books, these are classic and well-known heroes and very familiar stories. But still it demonstrates that you get right to the point, and tell readers right up front what he is and what kind of stories they are.

 

Sorry, I did not want to spoil the beginning of the story. But you are right, people should know what they're getting into.

Sort of correct. It's not a book series in the classical sense, more like a series of short stories. Some are connected to a greater plot that I have a vague idea for. Other parts in the series will have their own smaller plots and events. Compare it to Babylon 5, the TV Show, where there was a major plot and then in-between there were individual parts.

 

I just noticed from the thread title that this is a series blurb, not just for the first book. I'm not sure where you'd need a series blurb? Probably not until the series is finished and collected? I would assume while it's being published book by book, you're just going to need blurbs for each book. Of course most of my understanding of this comes from the days when you had to go to a book store and look at actual paper books, it might be very different now in this scroll-and-click era. Is it a blurb aimed at readers, or at publishers? I think you mentioned self-publishing, so probably not at publishers. Yeah, if you were looking at traditional publishing you wouldn't have commissioned cover illustrations yourself.

 

The story is for the internet, for free. To build up interest for my main book and universe.