Hi, I’m writing a book and I have noticed a phrase that I have repeated so many times. (Over 5 times in a chapter) ‘I watched as…’ or ‘He/She watched as someone do something’ For example, Jane watched as the dog ran away, tail tucked between its legs. From the couch, John watched as his father enter the kitchen. Peter heard chewing. He watched as his girlfriend’s jawline moved suspiciously. Was she hiding a snack? Danny got up to his feet. He watched as the figure before him withered away, leaving only a trail of dust scattered in the wind. Or it can be an action scene where the character was waiting for the opponent next moves, or they were caught off guard, being ambushed or they were spying on someone from a far or they were simply not involved in that situation and were just watching The general idea is that the characters are 1. just observing or 2. in a state of confusion / uncertainty or 3. still processing the situation And hence, they were ensnared by that emotion or occupied by that thought that they can only be an observer and watched as the story progress. Is there a way to avoid this phrase and convey the same meaning? Thanks
Omit the phrase entirely. "Danny got up to his feet. The figure before him withered away, leaving only a trail of dust scattered in the wind." This conveys exactly the same meaning as your version without the need for "watched as...".
Yeah, there's no need for the filter phrase "watch." Or "heard" or "felt" or anything sensual. If the narrator reports a dog, it's obvious that they saw it. Or with a gunshot, it's obvious they heard it. Otherwise there would be nothing to report. There are instances where the act of watching could be noteworthy, like, "Bobby watched as the aliens ate his children and didn't do anything about it." But not for mundane occurrences. Kind of like what you mentioned about being in a state of confusion.
Why do people keep doing it over and over in your story? I think that's what you need to think about. Usually if someone can do nothing but watch, it means they're helpless or in a daze or in a state of shock or something. And it's a pretty unusual state, not something people experience very often. Maybe if they're horrified or something. But it's hard to understand why people would frequently be in such a state. I mean, unless it's a vampire story and they're hypnotizing everybody or something. Otherwise most people, most of the time, should be in control of themselves and be able to do more than just stand and watch. You don't want a story where everybody is dumbstruck all the time.
Got it! Thank you all so much! Now that you have mentioned it, I realized that wow I make it sounds like my guy is really dumb. lol Thanks a lot!
