Haylo, I'm new here and i am learning to write. I was starting to write a book and wondered what you guys thought of the beginning wether it's good or bad or any ideas for improving my writing . I am writing mainly about the 1600 era of japanese warfare . I am thinking of changing some stuff but anyways here goes. The rain had been coming in wind borne gusts all evening, small translucent rain drops burrowed their way into yori's shinobi shozuku like ravenous ants as his eyes began to close. "Breathe, let the air strengthen and ignite the sacred flame" The words of his former master still pierced him like an arrow as he weaved his fingers into the sacred mudra of rin silently chanting the ancient prayer. Little by little the once heavy rain began to fade into a distant echo of its former self.
I would get rid of the, "The rain had been coming in wind born gusts all evening..." the second line that starts at "...Small translucent" already implies that its raining, and the first description doesn't do, much more than offer more unnecessary description. Try not to over describe. "Like ravenous ants..." again, that's more description than we need, and I don't think "ravenous ants" produce the mood you are trying to give. Ravenous ants makes me think he is in itchy pain. Maybe the raindrops are heavy but I don't think that they sting like ant bites. When you create your description, you want to use similes that are comparable to what you are trying to create. If I am trying to describe that rain water pouring down feels good I would not compare it to falling rocks, needles, or pen because these are not things that create the feeling of pleasant falling rain. I might, however compare to shower water or other things that people derive pleasure from because it conveys the feeling of pleasure. The same with, "Pierced him like an arrow." Did his former master's words hurt him? If so, than that line might work, but when is read something pierced someone like an arrow, my mind goes to being penetrated, and it's painful. "The once heavy rain began to fade into a distant echo of its former self." Not sure of what this means, and it doesn't really develop an image in my mind. To be honest, it reads a bit over the top and not really natural. Try toning it down a bit. There really is no "literary" way to write pros, it's all in your voice and style which is something you will develop as you write. But try to keep it natural. Let it come out don't force anything. It doesn't sound bad, but there are things that can be worked on, and as you write, I think it will become more natural for you.
the sound of rain fading i meant as when you go into a trance it fades out the sounds because of concentration. Perhaps i could write it as The rain had been coming in wind born gusts all evening. the small translucent drops burrowed their way into yoris shinobi shozuku as his eyes began to close?
That version, in my opinion, sounds better. It's a lot easier to understand what you're trying to say and it gets across well without being to over the top. I'm not sure about "burrowing". It still doesn't paint the picture I think you're wanting to convey (or at least not for me), but overall, I like this one more than your last. Perhaps cutting it down a bit more still. Try being a little more direct. "The raindrops hit Yoris's eyelids as he they began to close." Not trying to write it for you, because I want you to develop your own voice, but I think that the imagery would be easier to digest with less descriptive words. Also, it would offer more action and immediately we're thrown into the scene. Remember to trust your reader and understand they can grasp what you want to convey without a whole lot of description. The great thing about writing, is that we can rewrite and rewrite until it sounds as good as it can be, so just keep working with it, reading it to yourself, and showing it to other people until you feel like it's what you want it to be.
Keep writing. You have a great start, and I can tell you are enjoying it. Be careful about the desire to impress. The expression, "Kill your darlings," is no joke. It's difficult to please ourselves and not get in the way of the story. Brevity and clarity are hallmarks of good prose. This does not imply short sentences and unimaginative words. It means choosing words and composing sentences to form a clear vision in the reader's mind, and the reader hardly notices the words.
@YoriKuji - Welcome to the forum. I'd encourage you to use the Workshop - all work posted for critique should go there in any case. There you can post a much longer portion and get detailed feedback. You're not really supposed to post work for critique outside the Workshop. Since in your case it's only a paragraph or two, it's borderline all right, but still, please keep work meant for critique within the Workshop. To post in the Workshop, you need to meet certain requirements - namely the following: 1. you must have been a member for at least 2 weeks 2. you must have made at least 20 posts 3. you must post at least 2 constructive critiques in the Workshop - "constructive" would mean detailed feedback on why you feel something worked or did not work and preferably some comment that seeks to help the writer improve or correct his piece. I look forward to seeing your work in the Workshop, and I hope you enjoy the forum
@YoriKuji , welcome to the forum. I found this group invaluable in getting my Work in Progess (WIP) to fruition and publication. My genre is historical fiction, the same as yours, so I will be happy to help with the major headaches of that, which is research. The most important think I learned in writing mine, is how important it is to write, just write, and keep your momentum going. Your first draft will not be perfect, but don't stop to second guess yourself.. just keep writing, let your story take wings and fly, you will make it pretty when you finish the first draft and begin the editing process. Good luck!
