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  1. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Blurb for Kristol of Ancea

    Discussion in 'Blurb Critique' started by John-Wayne, Mar 5, 2019.

    So Rev 5, this one is still a work in progress but i've run out of time to work on it.... so I'm posting it as it is for now.


    As heir to the throne, Princess Kristal found growing up especially difficult: her parents were struggling to stay at peace with neighboring nations, while from the shadows, an absurd catman was pulling the strings that would birth an Empire.

    As a young girl, she had not a care in the world. Ignoring the crown that loomed over her head, she enjoyed a life of adventuring in the lands of Tirvuk: roasting rabbits, finishing her ancestor’s quest, and of course finding the perfect gift for her Father’s birthday.

    Then, in Kaylon Forest, she had her first confrontation with her dear rival, Tyrius Pherangis, and that set everything in motion. And it was there she found the last statuette for her quest – or so she believed -- and rescued an infant slave, who would turn out to be no ordinary child. Kristol's life of adventure may be coming to an end as family and duty replace it.



    “Growing up can be difficult, especially when you are an heir to a throne,” The elderly Imperial-Mother said, a raspy tone to her voice. She looked over the hanging tapestry with the Map of the Avytorean Empire then glanced back as she smirked. “You youngsters have it so much easier today thanks to the empire that mine and my father’s generations built, bringing peace to Avytorea through strength and stopping the Yvareos’ plans for conquest.” She gave out a raspy chuckle. “And an absurd catman pulling the strings from behind the scenes.”

    She turned to face her aid. “I remember when I was just a young girl, not a care in the world as I ignored the crown that loomed over my head, I enjoyed a life of adventuring the lands of Tirvuk, finishing my ancestor’s quest, roasted rabbit, and of course finding the perfect gift for my Father’s birthday. Though, If I can recall, I would have to say it was my first confrontation with Tyrius Pherangis, my dear rival, in Kaylon Forest, almost a century ago, that set everything in motion. It was there I found what I believed to be the last statuette and a Chalicean Babe, who I believed to be a slave, alone in the woods.”


    Growing up is difficult, especially when you are the heir to a throne. Princess Kristol Dharaventius of Ancea enjoyed a carefree life of adventure and roasted rabbit, while ignoring the looming burden of the Crown. However, She will find her carefree life of adventure coming to an end when she protected an infant Chalicean slave from a band of mercenaries and decided to take him home, revealing to her father, King Iatiten, that she had gone beyond the day ride set by him and is placed on house arrest. Unable to adventure beyond the city walls till her mother, Queen Aria, gives birth to the royal child in her womb. But, the discovery of one last, secret clue, will send her to the catacombs beneath to find the final statuette and the perfect birthday gift for her father’s birthday.


    Growing up is difficult, especially when you are the heir to a throne. Princess Kristol Dharaventius of Ancea enjoyed a carefree life of adventure and roasted rabbit, while ignoring the looming burden of the Crown. However, during a Quest set by her ancestor, King Constantine, to find golden statuettes he had hidden across the Kingdom of Tirvuk. She will find her carefree life of adventure coming to an end as she protected an infant Chalicean slave from a band of mercenaries and decided to take him home. This revealed to her father, King Iatiten, that she had gone beyond the day ride set by him and is placed on house arrest. Unable to adventure beyond the city walls till her mother, Queen Aria, gives birth to the royal child in her womb. But, the discovery of one last, secret clue, will send her to the catacombs beneath the city and into a part of the ancient world of the Xyltheans to find the final statuette and the perfect birthday gift for her father’s birthday.

    Kristol of Ancea is the first in the series of six Novellas in the Empire of Avytorea series, which is part of the Codexes of Thundria. It explores a part of the World of Thundria, the Kingdom of Tirvuk, and touches on its ancient, post-apocalyptic past and current societal lore.

    The Empire of Avytorea series follows the rise and maturity of Princess Kristol Dharaventius, from a spoiled, ill tempered and hard headed Princess, more focused on her own wants into a harden warrior and selfless leader to her fellow citizens, as she becomes the Empress of a fledgling Empire. Leading to her place in Thundrian history as one of the founders of the society that arises from the reformation to come.

    The Codexes of Thundria, are a history of the men and women who lived through the events that lead up to and beyond the founding of the reformation and the Thundrian Constitution
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2019
  2. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Okay, I've rewritten my blurb.... I hope you guys enjoy.


    Growing up is difficult, even more so when you are the heir to a throne. Princess Kristol Dharaventius of Ancea enjoyed a carefree life of adventure and roasted rabbit, while ignoring the heavy burden of the crown that loomed over her head. After protecting an infant Chalicean slave from a band of mercenaries, she found her carefree life coming to an end sooner than expected as she is forced to wait out her mother’s pregnancy. However, becoming a virtual prisoner did not slow her down from completing her ancestor’s quest and finding the perfect gift for her father’s birthday.

    Kristol of Ancea is the first in the series of six Novellas in the Empire of Avytorea series, which is part of the Codexes of Thundria. It explores a part of the World of Thundria, the Kingdom of Tirvuk, and touches on its ancient, post-apocalyptic past and current societal lore.

    The Empire of Avytorea series follows the rise and maturity of Princess Kristol Dharaventius, from a spoiled, ill tempered and hard headed Princess, more focused on her own wants into a harden warrior and selfless leader to her fellow citizens, as she becomes the Empress of a fledgling Empire. Leading to her place in Thundrian history as one of the founders of the society that arises from the reformation to come.

    The Codexes of Thundria, are a history of the men and women who lived through the events that lead up to and beyond the founding of the reformation and the Thundrian Constitution
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2019
  3. XRD_author

    XRD_author Banned

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    So I really like the concept. The "perfect gift" part made me smile. But there's some confusing language for me.

    One doesn't ignore a heavy burden, and that it was looming came a few words later, too late to prevent a moment of confusion -- perhaps that would be better as "ignoring the looming burden of the crown."

    If there's a connection between the slave rescue and her being forced to "wait out" please hint at it or at least confirm there is one. And we always have to wait out pregnancies, so maybe something more specific (I assume she's enduring house arrest or the like) might help.

    "virtual" was a bit unexpected, I was reading this as fantasy and it has strong modern connotations for me. And I'd like some indication why being almost imprisoned was an obstacle. The quest could have been "read the dictionary from cover to cover" after all. But if the quest was far-flung, kingdom-spanning, or had some other indication for why it would be hard while grounded, that may help.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2019
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  4. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    @XRD_author Was there suppose to be text? or just joshing me. :p
     
  5. XRD_author

    XRD_author Banned

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    Accidentally hit post, I'm editing it now, sorry.
    (10 minutes later) And now I'm done. I think.
    (+2 more minutes) Done now. Really.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2019
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  6. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    I've had this happen many times. :p
     
  7. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Hey XRD,

    I updated it and added a bit more, I am a bit concern about revealing to much. Hopefully I am a step closer. I guess I gotta watch out for those "period setting" words, I guess it would be called.
     
  8. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I'd say its too plot heavy - also don't try to sell the whole series in the blurb (if you've actually written them the place to do that is on your autho page - if you haven't don't mention them because they'll probably change)

    Also when you upload it to amazon (etc) it will ask for series name and volume number so you don't need to put that in the blurb
     
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  9. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    I was afraid of that, when I get home I'll work on it
     
  10. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Bryan Cohen … write a sizzling synopsis (don't be put off by the name its actually about blurbs), and

    Brian Meeks, Mastering Amazon descriptions: an authors guide.
     
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  11. XRD_author

    XRD_author Banned

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    I think your revision went into too much irrelevant detail, like the name of her ancestor. Hinting at might work better than spelling out.

    I'd like to see you try writing it as if Kristol was writing it: still in third person, but with her voice. It's her personality that attracts me here, so having that personality infuse the blurb might be interesting.
     
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  12. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Okay, updated my blurb.... now to check out BSM's recommendations.
     
  13. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    I did a quick update, but i'll do this tomorrow when I revise it. I'm just a little tapped mentally right now. :p
     
  14. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Right now, I am imagining Kristol sitting on her bed or against a wall, hunched over a writing board with a sheet of parchment, Quil pen in one hand writing and a roasted rabbit haunch in the other eating it as she figures out how to write her own blurb. Her Rottweiler, Sophia, laying at her side. Now how would she write this. :p
     
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  15. XRD_author

    XRD_author Banned

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    When is she writing it? Because she grows over the course of the book, right?
    If it's when she's done, looking back, her opinion of her younger self might be ... critical.
    Or maybe amused at her former naivete, or amazed at her blinkers*-engendered boldness.

    *Blinkers are things you put on a horse's head during a race to block their peripheral vision, so they don't get distracted by the horses beside them or the crowd.
     
  16. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    I like this idea as I had already written an epilogue of her reflecting on her life.... so I could rework it.

    also, I thougt blurbs were just a short paragraph selling your book, this sounds like a a short story in itself. :p .
     
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  17. XRD_author

    XRD_author Banned

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    That wasn't what I'm trying to suggest. Only that by word choice, you can express character. For example, any of "her Ancestor's Quest," "her Greatgranma's quest," "the old family quest," or "the quest her lazy grandad left unfinished" could be used to describe the quest, but which you use implies something about the character of the narrator -- and the character of the book.

    And I never really thought of that before this moment. Thanks! :)
     
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  18. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Alright, I revised it. as i mentioned in the OP, I had a little more fun. I hope it gives indication on where the series will be going without giving away to much as well. :)
     
  19. XRD_author

    XRD_author Banned

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    I didn't mean literally in her words, but it's a really good starting place, so if you'll excuse me, I ran with it:

    As heir to the throne, Princess Kristal found growing up especially difficult. Her parents were building their empire, bringing peace to Avytorea. And unknown to them all, an absurd catman was pulling the strings.

    As a young girl, she had not a care in the world. Ignoring the crown that loomed over her head, she enjoyed a life of adventuring the lands of Tirvuk: roasting rabbits, finishing her ancestor’s quest, and of course finding the perfect gift for her Father’s birthday.

    Then, in Kaylon Forest, she had her first confrontation with her dear rival, Tyrius Pherangis, and that set everything in motion. And it was there she found the last statuette for her quest – or so she believed -- and rescued a slave who turned out no ordinary child, but one of the fabled Chalicean Babes.

    So obviously, I turned this into narration instead of dialogue. Also, I use the characters name -- I think you need to -- and I used it early.
    Loved the "absurd catman," it communicates so much in two words, rephrased the sentence a little to suit the narration.
    Broke up the run-on sentence that started with "I remember."
    Changed "roasted rabbit" to "roasting rabbits to fit the series ("finishing ... roast[ing] ... finding"). Reordered the series in order of increasing importance, with finding the gift the most important.
    "Dear rival" was awesome, so many implications, but I've been advised that when introducing someone, you put the relationship before the name ("my boss, Bob") so people understand why you're introducing them.
    "-- or so she believed --" in hyphens indicates that this is an important mistake, for some reason. Maybe that's wrong.
    And I hyped up Chalicean Babe, on the assumption it's pretty important to the plot.

    I think I've retained enough of the phrasing and tone that this is still "Kristol's voice" even if she's not portrayed as saying it. Take what I've done for what it's worth. :)
     
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  20. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Nice, I like the revision. :) Thanks for the lessons, i'll remember this for the future.

    Oops! this was my bad, I didn't meant to imply that her parents were waging war. They were actually peaceful, it's the events caused by the "catman" that leads to the wars and the rise of the Empire. I was just referencing that it was her generation and that of her father's who fought those wars.
    I should have used the First Legion or Avytorea Legions,. The first Legion was birthed in the city of Tirvuk, by her ancestor, who used it to conquer Tirvuk and aid newly found allies. It's also the Legion that is commanded by the Duke-Grand General and to some extent the Royal Family.

    The first book's chapter 1 starts in Kaylon Forest, so I wanted to mention the Chalicean Babe, who they named Kaylon after the forest, he is very important later on in book 3. But didn't want to give to much away about his importance, clearly. :).

    I liked the Fabled Chalicean babes, but realize that is just a joke. :)

    edit: Kristol and Tyrius meet in book 1 but their rivalry doesn't really spark until book 2 and it's glorious. Tyrius is is one of my favorites and goes through his own arch, well sort of, it's more of a bump. :p
     
  21. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Awe man, forgot to mention taming the warden of Hell. :p LOL. she doesn't really tame him, just keeps him from harming others... till... one incident where he slaughters all the warriors of an invading army. :p

    He goes through his own level of suffering at the hands of Kristol's aunt, who tries to teach to care about humanity. :p .
     
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  22. XRD_author

    XRD_author Banned

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    Yeah, I'd crack the cover based on the blurb, certainly. ;)
    Ah, I see. Perhaps "As her parents struggled to bring peace tot he Empire" would work.
    If he's mentioned on the blurb, the first book should at some point at least foreshadow that he will be important.
    The technique to get from it is to end the blurb with something that's mysterious and important sounding -- but it should be something important to this book. :)
    Just make sure to foreshadow the rivalry in their interaction, plant the seeds of it, and everything will be fine, I think.

    Taming the warden of Hell should be in the blurb at the appropriate spot -- probably the end, instead of the hype on the babe, because of how cool and mysterious it sounds.
     
  23. John-Wayne

    John-Wayne Madman Extradinor Contributor

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    Cool, right now I am working on adjusting and seeing if it needs anything else, I feel it is hinted at that Tyrius and Kristol will become rivals, and basically his mercenaries were after the infant, so I hope that it shows some importance to Kaylon.

    The events of Kaylon forest is the start of the book, so I like the idea of finishing it off with where it is, but not sure what to add at the moment, without ruining it nor revealing to much.

    I started to think, The Warden is breifly mentioned in book one, he appears in book 2, so maybe it maybe a tease to mention him now and taming him would give away a bit of what happens and why. Maybe it's a matter of where to put it or mention the warden.

    THis is what I have so far in my adjusting. I am running out of time for lunch and work, so i gotta force myself to leave it here. :p




    As heir to the throne, Princess Kristal found growing up especially difficult. Her parents struggled to keep the peace with neighboring nations. And unknown to them all, an absurd catman was pulling the strings, giving birth to an Empire.


    As a young girl, she had not a care in the world. Ignoring the crown that loomed over her head, she enjoyed a life of adventuring the lands of Tirvuk: roasting rabbits, finishing her ancestor’s quest, and of course finding the perfect gift for her Father’s birthday.


    Then, in Kaylon Forest, she had her first confrontation with her dear rival, Tyrius Pherangis, and that set everything in motion. And it was there she found the last statuette for her quest – or so she believed -- and rescued an infant slave, who would turn out to be no ordinary child.
     
  24. XRD_author

    XRD_author Banned

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    Nice. You've come a long way. :)
     
  25. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    I'm an impatient reader, so for my taste it was a bit long and I had to force myself not to skim over it. Is this the book cover blurb, or what is it? It reads like a snippet from your book but it's put under "marketing" and you called it a "summary". I'm confused...

    Having said this, I do enjoy the Imperial Mother's voice - it reads very grandmotherly, telling an old story and launching into a life lesson in a sweet, gentle - well, grandmotherly way. For my taste I'd shorten it right up and I'd also vary the length of your sentences a bit - although that could potentially change that sweet, lulling voice you got going. I'd say determine what you want to achieve, according to the Imperial Mother's personality and purpose of the scene, and change or don't change the rhythm of her speech. No right or wrong here. I think I'm not your reader, that's all :)
     

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