Prompted by a thread on clichés, can we collectively write a story using only clichés? Posters disagree on exactly what is a cliché and what isn't, but let's leave that discussion to the original thread. If it's a cliché for you, or an overused trope or whatever, go ahead and write it. The opening to our non-novel novel comes from @Shadowfax, who embraced 'it was a dark and stormy night' and threw in a few others... The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" So, all's well that ends well and ready, set, go continue...
I'll reply to myself since I'm bored. The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly."
The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly." A hand touched her shoulder; Amanda jumped backwards from surprise. Turning from the image of herself alone in the mirror, she saw Vladimir standing behind her. "Darling, don't sneak up on me like that." "You know your parents don't approve." He grinned; a vampire's grin. "I am of course very, very, bad for you." Valdimir was damn sexy, and he showed in many ways that he damn well knew it. "Shut up and kiss me, you bloodsucker you." Amanda pressed her lips to his, not minding the cold of his flesh nor the dark metallic taste of blood on his fangs. She knew what he was, but she loved him anyway.
(the story so far can be found in spoiler tags) Spoiler The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly." A hand touched her shoulder; Amanda jumped backwards from surprise. Turning from the image of herself alone in the mirror, she saw Vladimir standing behind her. "Darling, don't sneak up on me like that." "You know your parents don't approve." He grinned; a vampire's grin. "I am of course very, very, bad for you." Valdimir was damn sexy, and he showed in many ways that he damn well knew it. "Shut up and kiss me, you bloodsucker you." Amanda pressed her lips to his, not minding the cold of his flesh nor the dark metallic taste of blood on his fangs. She knew what he was, but she loved him anyway. Suddenly the door flung open and a detective in a trench coat stood in the doorway, pointing his grandfather's heirloom 1911 at Vladimir. "Freeze!" Vladimir hissed, pushed Amanda to the floor, and dashed to the window. With a splendid crash, he jumped through it and disappeared into the imprenetable darkness outside. "Wh-who are you?" Amanda gasped, hand on her heaving breast. "Jack Stark. I've been hunting that son of a bitch for months now. I always thought he was the one mystery I couldn't solve, but now I know... He's a vampire, isn't he?" "Yes, yes he is," Amanda sighed dreamily. "But, but... Perhaps the one mystery you can't solve is yourself, then." "Well, I've got nothing to lose. Vladimir killed my wife and daughter, you know."
Spoiler The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly." A hand touched her shoulder; Amanda jumped backwards from surprise. Turning from the image of herself alone in the mirror, she saw Vladimir standing behind her. "Darling, don't sneak up on me like that." "You know your parents don't approve." He grinned; a vampire's grin. "I am of course very, very, bad for you." Valdimir was damn sexy, and he showed in many ways that he damn well knew it. "Shut up and kiss me, you bloodsucker you." Amanda pressed her lips to his, not minding the cold of his flesh nor the dark metallic taste of blood on his fangs. She knew what he was, but she loved him anyway. Suddenly the door flung open and a detective in a trench coat stood in the doorway, pointing his grandfather's heirloom 1911 at Vladimir. "Freeze!" Vladimir hissed, pushed Amanda to the floor, and dashed to the window. With a splendid crash, he jumped through it and disappeared into the imprenetable darkness outside. "Wh-who are you?" Amanda gasped, hand on her heaving breast. "Jack Stark. I've been hunting that son of a bitch for months now. I always thought he was the one mystery I couldn't solve, but now I know... He's a vampire, isn't he?" "Yes, yes he is," Amanda sighed dreamily. "But, but... Perhaps the one mystery you can't solve is yourself, then." "Well, I've got nothing to lose. Vladimir killed my wife and daughter, you know." Amanda gasped and clutched her pearls. "My Vladdy would never do such a thing! He's a vampire with a soul!" The handsome detective turned his dark, penetrating gaze on her. "He's a monster," he whispered suspensefully. "No!" Amanda put a hand to her brow and sobbed, feeling faint like women do when they're upset. "Yes." The tall, dark and handsome man advanced. "You don't understand! He can't help it!" she exclaimed, then paused for dramatic effect. "He had a tough childhood!
Spoiler The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly." A hand touched her shoulder; Amanda jumped backwards from surprise. Turning from the image of herself alone in the mirror, she saw Vladimir standing behind her. "Darling, don't sneak up on me like that." "You know your parents don't approve." He grinned; a vampire's grin. "I am of course very, very, bad for you." Valdimir was damn sexy, and he showed in many ways that he damn well knew it. "Shut up and kiss me, you bloodsucker you." Amanda pressed her lips to his, not minding the cold of his flesh nor the dark metallic taste of blood on his fangs. She knew what he was, but she loved him anyway. Suddenly the door flung open and a detective in a trench coat stood in the doorway, pointing his grandfather's heirloom 1911 at Vladimir. "Freeze!" Vladimir hissed, pushed Amanda to the floor, and dashed to the window. With a splendid crash, he jumped through it and disappeared into the imprenetable darkness outside. "Wh-who are you?" Amanda gasped, hand on her heaving breast. "Jack Stark. I've been hunting that son of a bitch for months now. I always thought he was the one mystery I couldn't solve, but now I know... He's a vampire, isn't he?" "Yes, yes he is," Amanda sighed dreamily. "But, but... Perhaps the one mystery you can't solve is yourself, then." "Well, I've got nothing to lose. Vladimir killed my wife and daughter, you know." Amanda gasped and clutched her pearls. "My Vladdy would never do such a thing! He's a vampire with a soul!" The handsome detective turned his dark, penetrating gaze on her. "He's a monster," he whispered suspensefully. "No!" Amanda put a hand to her brow and sobbed, feeling faint like women do when they're upset. "Yes." The tall, dark and handsome man advanced sexily. "You don't understand! He can't help it!" she exclaimed, then paused for dramatic effect. "He had a tough childhood! Jack Stark grunted and whipped around, marching angrily out of the room. Amanda hurried after him, feeling oddly drawn to the dark man even though she still couldn't make up her mind who to date. There was, of course, Tristan Wolf from downstairs, who mowed the lawn shirtless and often stood erect and barefoot in the wet loam outside, looking up at her window sexily. "Wait, Jack! Are you going after my Vladdy?" "I have to avenge my wife and daughter." He fished a flask from the breast pocket of his long, flowing coat. His broad shoulders quivered, as if he was holding back tears with great effort. "Perhaps, then, I can rest." He took long gulps of bourbon.
Spoiler The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly." A hand touched her shoulder; Amanda jumped backwards from surprise. Turning from the image of herself alone in the mirror, she saw Vladimir standing behind her. "Darling, don't sneak up on me like that." "You know your parents don't approve." He grinned; a vampire's grin. "I am of course very, very, bad for you." Valdimir was damn sexy, and he showed in many ways that he damn well knew it. "Shut up and kiss me, you bloodsucker you." Amanda pressed her lips to his, not minding the cold of his flesh nor the dark metallic taste of blood on his fangs. She knew what he was, but she loved him anyway. Suddenly the door flung open and a detective in a trench coat stood in the doorway, pointing his grandfather's heirloom 1911 at Vladimir. "Freeze!" Vladimir hissed, pushed Amanda to the floor, and dashed to the window. With a splendid crash, he jumped through it and disappeared into the imprenetable darkness outside. "Wh-who are you?" Amanda gasped, hand on her heaving breast. "Jack Stark. I've been hunting that son of a bitch for months now. I always thought he was the one mystery I couldn't solve, but now I know... He's a vampire, isn't he?" "Yes, yes he is," Amanda sighed dreamily. "But, but... Perhaps the one mystery you can't solve is yourself, then." "Well, I've got nothing to lose. Vladimir killed my wife and daughter, you know." Amanda gasped and clutched her pearls. "My Vladdy would never do such a thing! He's a vampire with a soul!" The handsome detective turned his dark, penetrating gaze on her. "He's a monster," he whispered suspensefully. "No!" Amanda put a hand to her brow and sobbed, feeling faint like women do when they're upset. "Yes." The tall, dark and handsome man advanced sexily. "You don't understand! He can't help it!" she exclaimed, then paused for dramatic effect. "He had a tough childhood! Jack Stark grunted and whipped around, marching angrily out of the room. Amanda hurried after him, feeling oddly drawn to the dark man even though she still couldn't make up her mind who to date. There was, of course, Tristan Wolf from downstairs, who mowed the lawn shirtless and often stood erect and barefoot in the wet loam outside, looking up at her window sexily. "Wait, Jack! Are you going after my Vladdy?" "I have to avenge my wife and daughter." He fished a flask from the breast pocket of his long, flowing coat. His broad shoulders quivered, as if he was holding back tears with great effort. "Perhaps, then, I can rest." He took long gulps of bourbon. "I'm going to give you some tough lough and straight talking now," Amanda warned. "Do you really think this is what your wife and daughter would want?" The tortured detective's dark, penetrating eyes widened. "Of... of course. I must seek revenge!" "Must you?" Amanda whispered, placing a hand on his beating heart. "Or would they want you to find happiness with-" She paused for dramatic effect again. "-someone else?" "I can never be happy again! It was Love At First Sight and our love is Undying!" An ethnic minority person appeared, wearing flowing robes and a sword. "My children," he said in a deep, wise voice. "I am here to seek-" He paused for sage dramatic effect. "-the Chosen One."
Spoiler The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly." A hand touched her shoulder; Amanda jumped backwards from surprise. Turning from the image of herself alone in the mirror, she saw Vladimir standing behind her. "Darling, don't sneak up on me like that." "You know your parents don't approve." He grinned; a vampire's grin. "I am of course very, very, bad for you." Valdimir was damn sexy, and he showed in many ways that he damn well knew it. "Shut up and kiss me, you bloodsucker you." Amanda pressed her lips to his, not minding the cold of his flesh nor the dark metallic taste of blood on his fangs. She knew what he was, but she loved him anyway. Suddenly the door flung open and a detective in a trench coat stood in the doorway, pointing his grandfather's heirloom 1911 at Vladimir. "Freeze!" Vladimir hissed, pushed Amanda to the floor, and dashed to the window. With a splendid crash, he jumped through it and disappeared into the imprenetable darkness outside. "Wh-who are you?" Amanda gasped, hand on her heaving breast. "Jack Stark. I've been hunting that son of a bitch for months now. I always thought he was the one mystery I couldn't solve, but now I know... He's a vampire, isn't he?" "Yes, yes he is," Amanda sighed dreamily. "But, but... Perhaps the one mystery you can't solve is yourself, then." "Well, I've got nothing to lose. Vladimir killed my wife and daughter, you know." Amanda gasped and clutched her pearls. "My Vladdy would never do such a thing! He's a vampire with a soul!" The handsome detective turned his dark, penetrating gaze on her. "He's a monster," he whispered suspensefully. "No!" Amanda put a hand to her brow and sobbed, feeling faint like women do when they're upset. "Yes." The tall, dark and handsome man advanced sexily. "You don't understand! He can't help it!" she exclaimed, then paused for dramatic effect. "He had a tough childhood! Jack Stark grunted and whipped around, marching angrily out of the room. Amanda hurried after him, feeling oddly drawn to the dark man even though she still couldn't make up her mind who to date. There was, of course, Tristan Wolf from downstairs, who mowed the lawn shirtless and often stood erect and barefoot in the wet loam outside, looking up at her window sexily. "Wait, Jack! Are you going after my Vladdy?" "I have to avenge my wife and daughter." He fished a flask from the breast pocket of his long, flowing coat. His broad shoulders quivered, as if he was holding back tears with great effort. "Perhaps, then, I can rest." He took long gulps of bourbon. "I'm going to give you some tough lough and straight talking now," Amanda warned. "Do you really think this is what your wife and daughter would want?" The tortured detective's dark, penetrating eyes widened. "Of... of course. I must seek revenge!" "Must you?" Amanda whispered, placing a hand on his beating heart. "Or would they want you to find happiness with-" She paused for dramatic effect again. "-someone else?" "I can never be happy again! It was Love At First Sight and our love is Undying!" An ethnic minority person appeared, wearing flowing robes and a sword. "My children," he said in a deep, wise voice. "I am here to seek-" He paused for sage dramatic effect. "-the Chosen One." "The chosen one?" Amanda gasped. "Who is it?" The EMP clawed through his pockets. "Hang on, I have a list right here... Ah, yes." He produced a parchment full of writing scrawled in what looked like blood. "A chosen one is: an orphan in his or her teens. Ordinary yet deceptively extraordinary. Usually has two friends and some kind of mark on his or her body and a tragedy in his or her past." "Could it be me?" Amanda breathed. "Oh, and the chosen one must embark on a quest with two friends..." "I don't have time for this. I must find Vladimir and kill him," Jack Stark grunted and necked the rest of his bourbon. "There's your quest," the EMP cackled quite madly yet lovably. Amanda slumped her shoulders and wrung her hands. "Oh, I don't know. Why me? Why would I be chosen? I don't want to be special! I'm reluctant to do this o... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name." The EMP's violet eyes flashed. "Tow Khen, the Grand Wizard of the Order of Blood Diamond Dragons." "Pleased to meet you, Tow Khen. But, but, I don't want to kill Vladdy! Perhaps my quest is to stop you!" She huffed at the sexy detective, pointing a trembling finger at him while biting her lower lip, tears surging into her eyes, falling in glistening rivulets down her rosy yet pale cheeks.
Spoiler The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly." A hand touched her shoulder; Amanda jumped backwards from surprise. Turning from the image of herself alone in the mirror, she saw Vladimir standing behind her. "Darling, don't sneak up on me like that." "You know your parents don't approve." He grinned; a vampire's grin. "I am of course very, very, bad for you." Valdimir was damn sexy, and he showed in many ways that he damn well knew it. "Shut up and kiss me, you bloodsucker you." Amanda pressed her lips to his, not minding the cold of his flesh nor the dark metallic taste of blood on his fangs. She knew what he was, but she loved him anyway. Suddenly the door flung open and a detective in a trench coat stood in the doorway, pointing his grandfather's heirloom 1911 at Vladimir. "Freeze!" Vladimir hissed, pushed Amanda to the floor, and dashed to the window. With a splendid crash, he jumped through it and disappeared into the imprenetable darkness outside. "Wh-who are you?" Amanda gasped, hand on her heaving breast. "Jack Stark. I've been hunting that son of a bitch for months now. I always thought he was the one mystery I couldn't solve, but now I know... He's a vampire, isn't he?" "Yes, yes he is," Amanda sighed dreamily. "But, but... Perhaps the one mystery you can't solve is yourself, then." "Well, I've got nothing to lose. Vladimir killed my wife and daughter, you know." Amanda gasped and clutched her pearls. "My Vladdy would never do such a thing! He's a vampire with a soul!" The handsome detective turned his dark, penetrating gaze on her. "He's a monster," he whispered suspensefully. "No!" Amanda put a hand to her brow and sobbed, feeling faint like women do when they're upset. "Yes." The tall, dark and handsome man advanced sexily. "You don't understand! He can't help it!" she exclaimed, then paused for dramatic effect. "He had a tough childhood! Jack Stark grunted and whipped around, marching angrily out of the room. Amanda hurried after him, feeling oddly drawn to the dark man even though she still couldn't make up her mind who to date. There was, of course, Tristan Wolf from downstairs, who mowed the lawn shirtless and often stood erect and barefoot in the wet loam outside, looking up at her window sexily. "Wait, Jack! Are you going after my Vladdy?" "I have to avenge my wife and daughter." He fished a flask from the breast pocket of his long, flowing coat. His broad shoulders quivered, as if he was holding back tears with great effort. "Perhaps, then, I can rest." He took long gulps of bourbon. "I'm going to give you some tough lough and straight talking now," Amanda warned. "Do you really think this is what your wife and daughter would want?" The tortured detective's dark, penetrating eyes widened. "Of... of course. I must seek revenge!" "Must you?" Amanda whispered, placing a hand on his beating heart. "Or would they want you to find happiness with-" She paused for dramatic effect again. "-someone else?" "I can never be happy again! It was Love At First Sight and our love is Undying!" An ethnic minority person appeared, wearing flowing robes and a sword. "My children," he said in a deep, wise voice. "I am here to seek-" He paused for sage dramatic effect. "-the Chosen One." "The chosen one?" Amanda gasped. "Who is it?" The EMP clawed through his pockets. "Hang on, I have a list right here... Ah, yes." He produced a parchment full of writing scrawled in what looked like blood. "A chosen one is: an orphan in his or her teens. Ordinary yet deceptively extraordinary. Usually has two friends and some kind of mark on his or her body and a tragedy in his or her past." "Could it be me?" Amanda breathed. "Oh, and the chosen one must embark on a quest with two friends..." "I don't have time for this. I must find Vladimir and kill him," Jack Stark grunted and necked the rest of his bourbon. "There's your quest," the EMP cackled quite madly yet lovably. Amanda slumped her shoulders and wrung her hands. "Oh, I don't know. Why me? Why would I be chosen? I don't want to be special! I'm reluctant to do this o... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name." The EMP's violet eyes flashed. "Tow Khen, the Grand Wizard of the Order of Blood Diamond Dragons." "Pleased to meet you, Tow Khen. But, but, I don't want to kill Vladdy! Perhaps my quest is to stop you!" She huffed at the sexy detective, pointing a trembling finger at him while biting her lower lip, tears surging into her eyes, falling in glistening rivulets down her rosy yet pale cheeks. "But, you must" intoned Tow Khen. "Evil grows in the south, behind the walls of Gignor. Elves, dwarves, and kings of men quake at the name of he who must not be named. But it is foretold that a fellowship will defeat him. A fellowship of a vampire, a hard-boiled detective, a plucky young woman with low self-esteem, and a few other hangers-on. That is your quest." "But, Frank is sworn to kill Vladimir." "You must put aside your enmity, or we will be lost. Time is short. Your love and his hate are key ingredients of the spell of power." Tow Khen removed a scroll from his robes, and unrolled it. "This scroll tells you all you need to know. Read it carefully, my child. Not just your lives, but the fate of the world depends on it." Amanda took the scroll in her hands. "I, I, don't recognise the script, I don't know the language. I shouldn't be able to read this. But, ..., I can." Suddenly Amanda's father appeared in the doorway, his face frowning a grim grey frown.
Spoiler: Spoiler The period of the planet's rotation when the location in question was facing away from the source of illumination in this solar system was, unsurprisingly, not sufficiently bright for the visual identification of even objects positioned in close proximity to the putative observer. However, it was the extraordinary ferocity of hurricane Barney that marked out this particular episode of tenebrosity as different from any other. "Amanda Bacteriophage Constantine Davina Evans! I forbid you to leave the house at this time of night to meet your vampire lover!" Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and saw a 17 year old girl with auburn hair, emerald-green eyes, rose-pink lips and a body that would look good in a sack. "Sigh," she sighed with a sigh. "I'm so ugly." A hand touched her shoulder; Amanda jumped backwards from surprise. Turning from the image of herself alone in the mirror, she saw Vladimir standing behind her. "Darling, don't sneak up on me like that." "You know your parents don't approve." He grinned; a vampire's grin. "I am of course very, very, bad for you." Valdimir was damn sexy, and he showed in many ways that he damn well knew it. "Shut up and kiss me, you bloodsucker you." Amanda pressed her lips to his, not minding the cold of his flesh nor the dark metallic taste of blood on his fangs. She knew what he was, but she loved him anyway. Suddenly the door flung open and a detective in a trench coat stood in the doorway, pointing his grandfather's heirloom 1911 at Vladimir. "Freeze!" Vladimir hissed, pushed Amanda to the floor, and dashed to the window. With a splendid crash, he jumped through it and disappeared into the imprenetable darkness outside. "Wh-who are you?" Amanda gasped, hand on her heaving breast. "Jack Stark. I've been hunting that son of a bitch for months now. I always thought he was the one mystery I couldn't solve, but now I know... He's a vampire, isn't he?" "Yes, yes he is," Amanda sighed dreamily. "But, but... Perhaps the one mystery you can't solve is yourself, then." "Well, I've got nothing to lose. Vladimir killed my wife and daughter, you know." Amanda gasped and clutched her pearls. "My Vladdy would never do such a thing! He's a vampire with a soul!" The handsome detective turned his dark, penetrating gaze on her. "He's a monster," he whispered suspensefully. "No!" Amanda put a hand to her brow and sobbed, feeling faint like women do when they're upset. "Yes." The tall, dark and handsome man advanced sexily. "You don't understand! He can't help it!" she exclaimed, then paused for dramatic effect. "He had a tough childhood! Jack Stark grunted and whipped around, marching angrily out of the room. Amanda hurried after him, feeling oddly drawn to the dark man even though she still couldn't make up her mind who to date. There was, of course, Tristan Wolf from downstairs, who mowed the lawn shirtless and often stood erect and barefoot in the wet loam outside, looking up at her window sexily. "Wait, Jack! Are you going after my Vladdy?" "I have to avenge my wife and daughter." He fished a flask from the breast pocket of his long, flowing coat. His broad shoulders quivered, as if he was holding back tears with great effort. "Perhaps, then, I can rest." He took long gulps of bourbon. "I'm going to give you some tough lough and straight talking now," Amanda warned. "Do you really think this is what your wife and daughter would want?" The tortured detective's dark, penetrating eyes widened. "Of... of course. I must seek revenge!" "Must you?" Amanda whispered, placing a hand on his beating heart. "Or would they want you to find happiness with-" She paused for dramatic effect again. "-someone else?" "I can never be happy again! It was Love At First Sight and our love is Undying!" An ethnic minority person appeared, wearing flowing robes and a sword. "My children," he said in a deep, wise voice. "I am here to seek-" He paused for sage dramatic effect. "-the Chosen One." "The chosen one?" Amanda gasped. "Who is it?" The EMP clawed through his pockets. "Hang on, I have a list right here... Ah, yes." He produced a parchment full of writing scrawled in what looked like blood. "A chosen one is: an orphan in his or her teens. Ordinary yet deceptively extraordinary. Usually has two friends and some kind of mark on his or her body and a tragedy in his or her past." "Could it be me?" Amanda breathed. "Oh, and the chosen one must embark on a quest with two friends..." "I don't have time for this. I must find Vladimir and kill him," Jack Stark grunted and necked the rest of his bourbon. "There's your quest," the EMP cackled quite madly yet lovably. Amanda slumped her shoulders and wrung her hands. "Oh, I don't know. Why me? Why would I be chosen? I don't want to be special! I'm reluctant to do this o... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name." The EMP's violet eyes flashed. "Tow Khen, the Grand Wizard of the Order of Blood Diamond Dragons." "Pleased to meet you, Tow Khen. But, but, I don't want to kill Vladdy! Perhaps my quest is to stop you!" She huffed at the sexy detective, pointing a trembling finger at him while biting her lower lip, tears surging into her eyes, falling in glistening rivulets down her rosy yet pale cheeks. "But, you must" intoned Tow Khen. "Evil grows in the south, behind the walls of Gignor. Elves, dwarves, and kings of men quake at the name of he who must not be named. But it is foretold that a fellowship will defeat him. A fellowship of a vampire, a hard-boiled detective, a plucky young woman with low self-esteem, and a few other hangers-on. That is your quest." "But, Frank is sworn to kill Vladimir." "You must put aside your enmity, or we will be lost. Time is short. Your love and his hate are key ingredients of the spell of power." Tow Khen removed a scroll from his robes, and unrolled it. "This scroll tells you all you need to know. Read it carefully, my child. Not just your lives, but the fate of the world depends on it." Amanda took the scroll in her hands. "I, I, don't recognise the script, I don't know the language. I shouldn't be able to read this. But, ..., I can." Suddenly Amanda's father appeared in the doorway, his face frowning a grim grey frown. Tow Khen made himself invisible. "This is not the way to behave, young lady!" Amanda's father yelled. He carried a loaded shotgun and directed it at the tall, dark, handsome detective. "You! Outta here!" He turned towards his daughter, his beer-belly wobbling like a big red hairy jello. "Tomorrow is school day and you know you are not allowed to bring boyfriends in." he added, scratching at his butt. Jack Stark felt compelled to intervene. He pushed his chest out, his head titled back in pride, the very image of manhood. "You can't treat her like that!" he bellowed. "Oh, really? This is my home and I do what I want." Without even looking at his opponent, Amanda's father fired his shotgun. The detective's blood and guts scattered the walls. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" howled Amanda, throwing herself over the body of her beloved. Thow Khen appeared out of a mist and pointed a trembling finger at Amanda's father. "You don't know what you've done! Amanda's destiny is ruined!" Tears flowing down her rosy cheeks, Amanda got herself up and faced her father.
Spoiler Tow Khen made himself invisible. "This is not the way to behave, young lady!" Amanda's father yelled. He carried a loaded shotgun and directed it at the tall, dark, handsome detective. "You! Outta here!" He turned towards his daughter, his beer-belly wobbling like a big red hairy jello. "Tomorrow is school day and you know you are not allowed to bring boyfriends in." he added, scratching at his butt. Jack Stark felt compelled to intervene. He pushed his chest out, his head titled back in pride, the very image of manhood. "You can't treat her like that!" he bellowed. "Oh, really? This is my home and I do what I want." Without even looking at his opponent, Amanda's father fired his shotgun. The detective's blood and guts scattered the walls. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" howled Amanda, throwing herself over the body of her beloved. Thow Khen appeared out of a mist and pointed a trembling finger at Amanda's father. "You don't know what you've done! Amanda's destiny is ruined!" Tears flowing down her rosy cheeks, Amanda got herself up and faced her father. The End
