1. serbyan

    serbyan New Member

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    Help me brainstorm an idea & is this original?

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by serbyan, Jul 20, 2019.

    I've recently written this scene, which is not the actual beginning of my story: a few chapters away from the opening.

    Here comes the general description of the scene:

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    A college student is researching about his family history and is talking with his grandfather (named Jack) about his grand-grandparents. Jack reveals that his parents used to be mass murderers in the 50's in Europe, and that they were hunted by all international organizations. He reveals that the first crime they committed was setting a building on fire and killing 50 persons. Later on, this proved to be only a minor thing because they've committed so much worse in the following years.

    As the conversation drags on, Jack reveals to him that he never told his son any of this (MC's dad) because he didn't want him to have the same life he had as a children living with his parents (they're named Dante and Aurora DeFilipo). He continues to explain that the sole reason he's telling him this now because an envelope has arrived intended for the MC. When he opens it, inside he finds a letter (from Aurora & Dante), a ring, a leather diary and a few photos.

    Inside of the diary, he finds that they've cut a few pages to fit in a key inside of the diary.

    When Jack continues to describe his childhood, the MC can obviously tell he's saddened by the fact he never saw them enough and that he still loves them even though they were 'monsters'.

    Jack also tells the MC that he never told one fact to anyone: Dante and Aurora have founded a secretive international organization which he describes as being terrorist in nature & that they've called themselves "Liberators". Also, he thinks that the organization continued to exist even after his parents disappeared.

    The MC is informed that the main reason the envelope has arrived is because the Liberators want to recruit him into their ranks. The MC reads the letter by Dante and Aurora. It is written to "Dear DeFilippo". The letter talks about the fact all they have committed (and will commit in the future) has been for the greater good of the family and of the future generations. They tell the reader that the most important thing, and the strongest one, in the world is family and that they (the reader of the letter) should always protect their family first. They stress that they'd like the reader to wear the ring from the envelope and to study all the materials from the envelope. They mention that they loved their son, Jack, so much even though he might have felt left out. At the end, they give directions: the key from the diary is going to help the reader research more about the family history if they wish to. Signed by Aurora and Dante.

    After all of this, the MC has had enough and decides to leave and doesn't bring the envelope. Jack is scarred that the Liberators might find him.
    -----------------------


    This is the general description of the scene I have at the moment, the whole thing is about 4 pages long in Word-terms. I wanted to ask if anyone got any input they could give me and I was wondering if this scene/idea is good.
     
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  2. The Bishop

    The Bishop Senior Member

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    I think it is a good scene, and it has me excited about the actual story, which I believe could be very interesting. If I were to say one thing other than that, it might be that in the letter, it seems that Aurora and Dante give the reader an option in whether they should research the family history and join the Liberators. But then you say that Jack is worried they might find him since the MC doesn't want to do that. So maybe have the letter be more demanding of the MC's cooperation. And that is all if I had to change something. It seems pretty good with what you already have.
     
  3. serbyan

    serbyan New Member

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    Yes, @The Bishop. I've thought about that and came up with an interesting solution to that without changing my text too much, since in my original writing the mentioned difference is way more subtle than the one presented here. Hopefully, it will serve as a clue to what is going to happen later in the story (kind of foreshadowing, if I am not mistaken)

    I'd be grateful if few more people replied here with their thoughts.
     
  4. serbyan

    serbyan New Member

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    Anyone? Still thinking about this one, didn't write much. :)
     
  5. Cdn Writer

    Cdn Writer Contributor Contributor

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    TRYING (!!!) to read Eric Flint's "Ring of Fire" series.......it's soooo many books!!!!!
    Well, here I am. Not that I have any great insight to offer....

    I like the premise and I would love to read the story as well. I struggle with "plausibility" in my own writing but another contributor in here said most writing was not that plausible however it works in fiction because...it's fiction! I wouldn't worry too much about that aspect. I think it was Thundair in the short story I posted in Crime & Thriller called "Bar Business." He's just one fellow that gave me great advice.

    I think I would be more invested in your story if you actually named the MC rather than referring to him as "MC" throughout. I am assuming that the original terrorist group might have had some unofficial government support and then the government lost control of the organization as it took on a life of its own. Can start small, a bribe to a cop to look that way, progressing up the ranks of cops and eventually reaching the politicians.

    Anyways...if that helps, there you go. If it doesn't, ignore me - I'm a newbie in here. My last published work was in my high school year book in.....1991? Wow...been a while.


    EDIT: the other contributor who gave the advice about plausibility is The Big Soft Moose.
     
  6. serbyan

    serbyan New Member

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    The main problem with naming the MC is that ... I haven't decided yet! Haha. Yeah, it sounds like a problem.

    I haven't really decided but connecting it to the government is definitely one of my ideas. We'll see how that works. I am scared it won't end up realistic, you know?
     
  7. Cdn Writer

    Cdn Writer Contributor Contributor

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    TRYING (!!!) to read Eric Flint's "Ring of Fire" series.......it's soooo many books!!!!!
    Yah, I know. Plausibility is something I struggle with as well. How much "fiction" is too much....?

    With regards to government ties, look at North Korea or China. I really suspect they are active sponsors of some of the crimes we experience in North America especially corporate espionage and copycat products.
     
  8. ItalianCri

    ItalianCri Member

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    I have questions. Did Jack meet his parents during their criminal activity? Did he live with them in clandestinity? Was he involved with the Liberators? If yes, probably he had trouble with police like them.
     
  9. serbyan

    serbyan New Member

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    Yes, but he wasn't involved with them. They were away quite often so he basically grew up without seeing them much.
     
  10. ItalianCri

    ItalianCri Member

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    Didn't the police monitor him to find his parents?
     
  11. serbyan

    serbyan New Member

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    Sure, they kept him in the dark exactly for that reason. He had no contact with them much & and it wasn't precisely public knowledge he was their kiddo.
     
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  12. laramsche

    laramsche Member

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    You're scene certainly peaks my interest, lot's of potential for a mystery/thriller.

    Though, the scene feels rather deep in the story, placed around the middle (maybe?), since it reveals a good portion of the MC's family "secret", which might be too less of suspense? What I mean is, that letter, ring, diary and key could easily arrive separately to increase the suspension, and also giving MC/reader motivation to find out more. The MC's father also seems quite quick to reveal the "secret". The father could refuse to tell, thus further fueling the MC's/readers interest to find out what is going on. In short: Treat it like a treasure hunt.
    This might help you, to flesh out all the events that could happen before this scene, and can even help you to flesh out what happens next.

    I would also suggest (if you didn't already have), to read/watch other stories with similar themes, to get a feel how others paced the reveal of secrets, and/or how others created suspense. The master of them (in film) being Alfred Hitchcock, probably the best source to see how powerful suspense can be.
     
  13. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    You might be better able to get the story going if you changed how Jack finds all this information out. My first thought on reading your description is: it's a massive infodump. Nothing actually happens. It's one flipping huge dialogue delivering back story. It's good to have it for yourself but where's the real inciting incident? What's Jack's goal?

    Think: how else can Jack find out about all this apart from hearing it from his granddad? What prompts him into asking that could be more interesting than "researching his family history"?

    Write a few opening scenarios answering those questions. You don't have to use any of it, but it should get your creative juices going and give you a few bright ideas for how to continue.
     
  14. OrdinaryJoe

    OrdinaryJoe Active Member

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    I agree with Mckk, but only if this information is presented in your story as it is here. I know this is only a synopsis of a chapter so giving an opinion on that can be difficult. Good suspense is divvied out as breadcrumbs. Unless it is an exceptionally long chapter you may want to break it up into several chapters with character and relationship development interspersed. Maybe having the conversation with the Grandfather be less telling initially. Step away from it and have your MC involved with an encounter that brings in new information. When he goes back to his Grandfather with this new information he then begins to be less evasive about his own past.
     
  15. punkyeleven

    punkyeleven Member

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    The idea is very interesting, it got me super curious about their past: were they really murderers and how did they explain what they did! So yeah, I'd say it's a good idea, what you probably need is some dialogue because it sounds like it's only Jack talking and letter reading.
     
  16. serbyan

    serbyan New Member

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    Thanks for the comments, I'll definitely check Alfred Hitchcock's movies.

    @punkyeleven This was just an idea. I might even make a few chapters out of it with all the ideas and info I got from you guys.
     
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  17. Some Guy

    Some Guy Manguage Langler Supporter Contributor

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    I see the serial killer trope as less viable if the number of victims is too high? If it is high, there would have to be some reason for it, like 'greatest good'. Churchill and others had to make decisions like that at that level, but who actually did the dirty deeds? They would have a cold killer mentality? Not inspired to kill, but no problem with it in the greater scheme?
    There's a fantastic opportunity to go down the rabbit hole with this type of killer psyche. Lots of what ifs. There would have to some pre-planning, to keep the kid out-of-loop.
     

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