I have been busy working on a story, on and off, for the past few months. Below is the prologue for which I'm asking your opinion. How does it come across? Suggestions for improvement? Your assistance will be appreciated. A dense mist hung in the air as a line of narrowboats moored alongside the canal towpath slowly appeared like ghosts giving it an eerie mood. The chill wind blew as he trudged along the towpath, the ice cracking under his boots. He pulled the zip of his jacket right to the top then thrust his hands back into the pockets. The cold did not bother him in the slightest as he was determined to follow through with his plan. a plan which had been in the making with painstakingly detail. He was thinking back to the day that he was court martialled and sentenced for a crime that he did not commit. Back then he was a Supply Chain Logistician. He dreamed of serving his county and making a career out of it like his father and grandfather before him, but it was all cruelly taken from him. He could not understand how or why he had been set-up. The judgement handed down was a custodial sentence and dismissal from the service. No matter his pleas of innocence, his father had determined he brought shame and disgrace on the family name. The prison officer in charge of the cell wing considered himself to be a good judge of character. In the 20+ years in the prison service he had seen just about every type of criminal, yet in this case he sensed something was not right. He just did not fit the profile. Upon his release from prison, he was allowed back into the family home however, those familial bonds were never quite the same again. He did have one ally, a cousin who believed in him and promised to help clear his name. There was an officer in the Service Prosecuting Authority who was also not convinced that he was guilty of the charges brought against him. He managed to track down the officer, who had since retired from the service and was employed with a private legal practice. He had met with him to try and establish how and why this happened. After having numerous meetings, phone calls and follow-ups, they got to the crux of the matter and established the identity of who was behind this set up. The past 3 years of anguish had finally brought him to this point. Now things were about to change. The narrowboat he sought-after came into view. Got you he thought to himself.
Great set-up. Couple of suggestions: Try to structure sentences without using the word "as" quite so much. A line of narrowboats moored alongside the canal towpath slowly appeared, like eerie ghosts, in the dense mist. The chill wind blew, and he trudged along the towpath, the ice cracking under his boots. He pulled the zip of his jacket to the top, then thrust his hands in his pockets. The cold did not bother him. He was determined to follow through with his plan he had formulated with painstaking detail. Increase the urgency with stronger verbs but it was all ripped from him. He had been cruelly set up and would not rest until he found out how and why. In the following explanation, it seems we are leaving his POV. It could be anyone explaining it. Insert some of his reaction/thoughts/his take to it in stronger terms, as he recalls, again to increase the urgency and get inside his head. Finally, was it a deliberate choice to not use any names?
Many thanks for the feedback, Louanne, much appreciated. I'll review what I've written and implement your suggestions. As regard not using any names, it wasn't a deliberate choice. I brought in the names of the characters as the story developed. Once again many thanks for your suggestions.
