I'm having a bit of trouble describing the following in a non-convoluted way. My MC, on his way to wherever, sees a girl about to jump off a bridge. She has climbed over the railing and is standing on the other side of it on what little ledge there is for her to stand on. I can't have her just be on the sidewalk looking down or some such because it has to be completely obvious to the protagonist what she's about to do. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Seems to me seeing someone standing on a ledge outside the railing would make it completely obvious what she's thinking about doing.
Well, I originally described her as standing "on the ledge on the other side of the [bridge] railing," but was told it's too long a string of nouns. Trying to figure out ways to streamline this description, I guess. Also, is "ledge" even a proper term for this?
Ok, I see. I might write something like "She had climbed over the railing and was standing on the edge, looking into the water thirty feet below." As long as it's already known the scene is on a bridge you don't need to mention it again. And you're right, ledge isn't really the right word, edge would work better.
Sure, but I'm trying to write it from the POV of my MC. Technically, he hasn't seen her climb over it; he just sees her standing on that edge. I think this should affect how it's described, but maybe I'm just overcomplicating things? Also, this sentence happens to be the introduction of this whole situation, so I gotta stick the bridge in there somehow.
No reason to apologize. All outside perspectives are helpful. I'm a clueless amateur looking to see if there's a better way to write this.
I'm with Xoic and think "She had climbed over the railing" would work - the fact that she has done this would be obvious to your MC, considering she's on the other side of it. He doesn't have to have watched it happen. The "wrong side" is also a good way of putting it if you want to avoid over-describing; the fact is you will probably have to include details like the bridge, railing, ledge, but while you can't necessarily avoid doing all that, you can at least do it well. If you're worrying about the exact wording of the sentence, perhaps you need to broaden your thinking to the context around it. Could changing other parts make this one easier to change? Just my tuppence.
That is a good point, thank you. Unfortunately, there's not much context before this description -- the story starts with a line of dialogue, followed by a quick paragraph of setting the scene. I was trying to not dwell too much on the bridge, but it seems I might have to spend some more words on it after all.
One clueless amateur to another... Your character has context, he knows the bridge and that it attracts people intending suicide. You're also the writer and can coin your own terms that fit your world. Your mc could see the girl on the jumping spot/the suicide ledge/the launch pad to the depths of despair/whatever else takes your fancy. It can convey the situation succinctly by allowing your mc contextualise, thereby becoming clear to the reader. It's his pov, he understands what's happening without listing every detail of the scene and your reader can see and understand through his eyes.
@B.E. Nugent I apologize for the late response. The bridge is not a designated suicide spot in my story, but that is a very good point about coining my own terms. I'll give it a think and see if I can use it to come up with a better description. Thank you!
This threw me back 60-70 years, bus back from a game of rugby. Dunno how I remember the words. I think it originally came from a music hall act. It might help: Standing on the bridge at midnight Looking down into the surf, There's a shout, "Good 'eavens! What is she a doin' erf! It comes from "She was poor, but she was honest ..." Or was it "It's the same the whole world over .."?
Tone is more important than description. You need the tone to convey the wrongness of her position - For a moment John saw a shadow on the bridge, a form of a girl and thought nothing of it - a traveler taking time on the footpath to gaze down into the moonlit water, until he noticed she was on the wrong side of bridge, on the outside ledge, where the jumpers stand - example
@peachalulu That is an excellent point! I haven't thought of it that way, but I think you've hit the nail on the head -- the wrongness of what he sees is exactly what I need to convey.
"cling for her life" might imply she is trying to avoid death though, rather than considering suicide. I don't think a person considering suicide is really clinging to anything in that moment, they're unbound, they've given up on all their needs and desires in that moment. Certainly not to life.
I would be tempted to try something minimalist like "behind the railing, overlooking the water, was a girl" and then show the character realising the girl is considering suicide. Since "jump off a bridge" is such a memetic trope of suicide, I think you could make it obvious with very little, and I would avoid micromanaging the readers' physical imagination of what the other side of the railing looks like. Whether it's a ledge or an edge doesn't matter. Unless the character is very familiar with that spot, then describing it in longer terms might convey that idea of a familiar spot aszociated with suicide before, but since you said that wasn't really the case I wouldn't worry about it. In terms of narrative detail, I would focus more on the conditions on the bridge like light, temperature and rain that set mood, and on the characters and their interaction, whatever that is. But the jumping spot is probably going to lose emotional impact if you try to describe it in too nitpicking a way, although I do like the phrasing of "what little ledge there is for her to stand on". That's somewhat emotional and helps raise the sense of danger. So that could work in that sense.
@Oscar Leigh That is very good advice, thank you. I was initially going for a broad stroke, just enough description to show that she's considering jumping kind of approach, but then my doubts got the better of me You are absolutely right that the characters and their interaction should take precedence over the architectural intricacies of the bridge. I will re-evaluate my text with both your points in mind. Thank you for your opinion on my phrasing also; it helps.
I would think twice about starting your story with dialog. Many editors frown upon this. I'm not saying some writers can't pull it off, but most can't and there are usually better ways to draw readers into your story. As far as the wording for you female character contemplating jumping, I would keep it simple. Something like, he saw her standing on the ledge with the guardrail behind her. A single step could end everything.
@deadrats My piece started as an exercise of doing precisely the frowned upon thing -- starting a story with dialogue It's very possible that I can't pull it off, and if that proves to be the case, I'm not opposed to changing my approach, but I would like to try before giving up, as a learning experience, if nothing else. Thank you for your example on wording; it helps. Simple is what I was aiming for.
I totally get that. I think it's something every writer tries at some point. The thing is that even if you pull it off and it's great, it's still going to be a turn off to a lot of editors and agents. I know from reading slush at a literary journal that it was an automatic no from us. It's just how it was and those stories did not get a thorough read. I'm in no way saying this is right or wrong. It's just something that happens. And writing professors and mentors will likely say the same thing, but maybe not because I think they're more supportive and encouraging of experimentation and would read the entire story. And I'm sure there are stories where starting with dialog could be exactly where the story is meant to start. I think you just have to ask yourself if this is exactly where your story starts if you chose to open with dialog. And this isn't something you have to or should answer now, but it is something you should maybe ask yourself often while writing, revising, and polishing your story. The truth is there are usually better ways to start a story that are completely aside of it being a hard sell in the industry. I say don't stay completely married to the idea, but don't abandon it either. I'm curious what your opening line of dialog is. Do you care to share? No pressure. But you can message me if you want. Also, How long does the dialog go on? Is it just one line? Or do you have a mini conversation going on? It also might matter how dialog heavy your story is and/or the role of what's being said. I mean, sometimes dialog is a lot more than just what's being said. I would never discourage a writer from experimenting because that alone can produce such great things. It's just something to give more thought and reexamine along the way. I wish you the best with it.
