May I get some feedback, please? I'm trying to convey that 1. Sondre is casting a sigil 2. It's backfiring Does this come in clear? If not, can you explain to me what is missing so I can make it more vivid? The theme is family curses, and this is a big bulk of the microfiction. His father is a warlock and didn't pay his agreed debt and it affects the whole family's magic (I can go into more depth if that doesn't make sense). I can provide the full script (350 words) if you need it.
It's not really clear that he's screwing up, because we don't know what is normally supposed to happen. Add some visual detail to the second paragraph. What is a "roguelike" mist?
Roguelike, meaning the mist is abnormal, an anomaly, something that isn't supposed to show up. I can definitely add what's supposed to happen to make it more clear. Thank you.
"Roguelike" isn't really a word except in the context of rogue-like games. Just "rogue" is sufficient.
That's cool. I understood that it was backfiring. Here are some tiny edits: A storm brewed miles outside the gates, releasing harsh gales against the city walls. Sondre (including several other sages), scribbled with chalk against the coarse stone. One of his neighbor sages whispered an incantation to the wall. A spark escaped her lips and it glimmered onto her lines. Its light took off to the skies like a beacon and solidified into a barrier. [I tried to remove the parentheses. I tried to remove the rep of "walls" in the first line. "Took off" seems very modern. I'd use a different word, but maybe your setting allows it.] “Hurry now! The west winds are breaching!” a stout man bellowed. Sondre scrambled to finish his sigil. When the [adjective] points met, he whispered the same incantation. He drew his breath from his core, and on his final word, a spark leapt from his mouth, but a rogue mist shrouded the spark. He nearly screamed and clamped his mouth. [It feels like there should be an adjective there. Sacred, mystical, etc. . . The last line shouldn't be a "but" because the actions agree with each other, so "and" works.] The spark licked his sigil lines like a fuse, and Sondre swore he heard cackling. He chewed on his left thumbnail. His other arm lay dormant, as if dead. He may as well be; father's scolds would grip his soul and chew it out for failing a basic sigil. [Lay just says a state. Laid always wants an object. So "laid your arm on the table" would be right, and "your arm lay on the table" would be the other choice. "Lay" is just a statement of being. There nothing being acted upon.]
Or if you like, there are two different verbs: "lie" is an intransitive verb, meaning to rest oneself (or the subject) down. The past tense of lie is "lay". Lie does not require an object. "lay" is a transitive verb, meaning to put an object down (the subject puts the object down). The past tense of lay is "laid". Lay requires an object. Therefore, in this case, the subject "he" (the subject) laid "his arm" (the object) on the table.
