1. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    writing about joy in a dramatic/humorous fashion

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by alpacinoutd, Dec 18, 2020.

    Hello.

    I intend to write about what happens when we experience pleasure in a semi-dramatic, humorous manner.

    I specifically want to write about how hormones operate in body.

    I chose pizza!

    Is this sentence correct? How well does it work?

    He grabbed a slice and slowly pulled it towards his mouth. Upon the first bite, endorphin and dopamine whizzed in his neuro-pathways. The pleasure center in his brain was alight.
    Or this:
    Endorphin and dopamine rush to the pleasure center in his brain.

    How would you put it?
     
  2. deadrats

    deadrats Contributor Contributor

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    Personally, I think your example is a little over the top for eating pizza. Maybe I lack a sense of humor, but I'm not seeing either option as dramatic of humorous. It seems like you might be trying too hard and missing the mark.
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  3. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    It does sound pretty academic as a way to describe pleasure. I might try something more like Endorphins started popping as the flavor hit him. Even that sounds pretty weird though, I'd definitely need to rework it. In fact I'm not sure I'd ever mention something as scientific as endorphins when trying to get across a feeling. It kills the mood, you know?
     
  4. Seven Crowns

    Seven Crowns Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor Contest Winner 2022

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    I'd push the actions even farther forward with strange imagery and then I'd tie it back to memory. Taste is closely linked to memory, so they say. I'll try to build off your lines.

    After suffering two weeks of his wife's macrobiotic diet, he pulled a slice of Tuscan Suprema slowly towards his mouth. The taste hit him in a wave of forbidden effervescence. He fizzed through a dopamine rush. With endorphins ping-ponging inside his skull, he was someplace else, at a distant pizza parlor decades lost, in line at the arcade machines with a pocket full of quarters, headphones blaring, the singer urging him to burn down his own house. Jerry's pleasure center was alight. He took another bite.​

    That long sentence should probably be even longer and kept ungrammatical (well, additive, at least), as a list of fragments. To me that makes good sense for memories. I would have mixed in something about a girl he'd met at the parlor, because that's forbidden too, and that parallels the act of cheating on a diet. (Why do I picture the MC as a married man?) Anyway, that's my weird approach.

    (I notice that I chose the song to be destructive too. haha! It just seemed 80's. All good music is about some form of destruction.)
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2020
  5. marshipan

    marshipan Contributor Contributor

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    As the pizza slid down his throat and landed somewhere in his gut, he got an oxytocin hit to rival any orgasm past, present, or future. Which is how he found himself cuddled up to a greasy slice, giving it tender, languid kisses and whispering sweet nothings to each precious pepperoni. "How brave," a man walking by whispered, flicking a tear from his eye at the sight of such honest love.
     
  6. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    Leave it to @marshipan to take it to the realm of erotica! :supertongue: (<— Erotic smiley? You decide... )
     

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