Hi, guys, I was told that I use "she" too much in my writing. Does anyone have any advice on how to get rid of it? Here's an example that was pointed out to me in my writing: The sun had set by the time Lacey woke up. She wondered if Ted’s dad was home yet. She got up and checked the house. There was no one else there except for her. She peeked outside. Ted’s truck was gone. She checked her phone. It was eight. She wondered when Ted’s dad was supposed to get home. She walked outside. With the nearest city miles away, the night sky was bursting with stars. She looked up and down the street.
I don't think it's the use of the word "she" so much as the overall structure being repetitive. A lot of short sentences starting with she. It feels jerky and disjointed. I'd suggest slowing down and going into a bit more detail with some of this.
What kind of tone are you aiming for? If she's tense, then shorter sentences are fine, but perhaps stringing them together if she's more relaxed might help solve the problem as well. The sun had set by the time Lacey woke up. Wondering if Ted’s dad was home yet, she got up and checked the house. There was no one else there except for her. Peeking outside, she could see Ted’s truck was gone. She checked her phone, which announced that it was eight She wondered when Ted’s dad was supposed to get home, so she walked outside. With the nearest city miles away, the night sky was bursting with stars. Looking up and down the street, she searched for any sign of life.
One of the things you're doing here is starting your sentences with 'she.' See what you can do to vary it, and find a different way to say what you want to say. And you can use her name "Lacey" as well. Maybe: The sun had set by the time Lacey woke up. Was Ted’s dad home yet? No, he wasn't. Ted’s truck was gone from the driveway, and she checked to make sure she was still alone in the house. Her phone flashed eight pm. He should be home by now. Lacey walked outside, to peer up and down the street. The night sky was bursting with stars—so different from the city lights she was used to. The city was miles away now.
Alternate longer and shorter sentences. There are also free lists on the net called sentence starters. Google them, they can be helpful.
A tool I was taught many years ago: in any given paragraph, try to start each sentence with a different opener. One preposition, one adjective, one adverb, one noun, one verb... or whatever combination thereof gives your paragraph the rhythm and life you are looking for. Consider the structure of your sentences. There are many ways to write a sentence, not just "subject, verb, object, repeat". By beginning your sentences with different openers, you will find it easier to change up the structure and pattern of your sentences. Have fun!
I think you have too many sentences starting with she. Try mixing up your sentence structure and maybe varying your sentence lengths. Short clipped sentences can work, but too many of them can also create a problem and sound very "See Spot run" if you know what I mean.
I tried to retain the 'SHE.' I'm thinking if you remove a couple of sentences the reader will draw those very same conclusions... The sun had set by the time Lacey woke up. She wondered if Ted’s dad was home yet. She got up and checked the house. There was no one else there except for her. She peeked outside. Ted’s truck was gone. She checked her phone. It was eight o'clock. She wondered when Ted’s dad was supposed to get home. She walked outside. With the nearest city miles away, the night sky was bursting with stars. She looked up and down the street. ... Still, it's not that pretty on the page. Try 'her phone said eight o'clock.' [?] and something like 'the night sky burst with stars, whilst down below cars rumbled on the lazy highway...' mmm, nn.
A hurried rewrite in my voice, with the goal of killing off the "she"s. Sometimes to kill them, you need to remove details that you didn't need; sometimes you need to add details to give yourself something to hook a non-"she" sentence to. Sometimes you need to reorganize--for example, I moved the phone and the time earlier, because the link to waking meant that it didn't need as much explanation. And in close third person you don't need to tie facts and sights to the person as much--you don't need "she heard a car outside", you can instead have "a car rumbled by outside". You can also often have thoughts without tying them tightly to the person. And sometimes an action ("a cautious peek through...") can be noun-like and avoid the mention of the person. Lacy woke to darkness and silence. Eight o'clock, according to her phone. Still no one home? How late did Ted's dad work? Yawning, she got to her feet and wandered through the house just in case, but, nope, no one. A cautious peek through the living room curtains confirmed that the driveway was empty, too. Well, drat. What to do? Stay? Go? Hitchhike? Suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the silent tobacco-scented darkness of the house, she stepped outside and shut the door gently behind her. With the city miles away, the sky was bursting with stars, but the street was as oppressively silent as the house. Wasn't the country supposd to be teeming with crickets or something?
