I’ve got two characters who have only just met, don’t really like each other (but are starting to bond), and are now stuck on a broken down underground train. They have been in conversation, but I feel the conversation has kind of coasted to an end. I’m not really sure where to go from here. I feel that he doesn’t really want to talk about it any more, and I don’t know how she would react. For context, he is terminally ill and has two months to live. I’m thinking that either he changes the subject, she tries to coax him, or some event forces a change of topic (like the train starting to move again). All of these feel a bit contrived, and I’m not really sure where to go. I’ve been stuck at this point for a few days and could do with a push!
I find those opportunities are usually good for scene/chapter breaks. If you think the solutions feel contrived, they probably are. Just move on to the next scene and come back if you wind up with a better idea for more in the scene. If the scene has accomplished its goal, move on.
Depends. If the scene has done its job it's time to move onto the next one. Bing bang boom. Hard to tell without seeing it, but if the goal of the scene if for Julian to reach the conclusions you stated in the excerpt, then mission accomplished. If not, the scene might need some tweaking (or a tear down) to do its job. A stuck train can be a bit tricky because there isn't much room (literally) for things to happen, and you certainly don't want to contrive dialogue. If you're ready to transition I would probably go hard stop and cut shortly after this and summarize what happened in the interim later if necessary. Unless you want to run through a blow by blow of the train moving again and the two characters parting, which is also fine, especially if you're going to foreshadow their next encounter. Generally speaking, dialogue is great for certain things and not so great for others. It's great for characterization and exposition but it doesn't handle transition well. ETA: jinx, Spence!
Nah, I just used more words. @mashers if I remember correctly your story has a terminally ill guy who meets a younger woman and progress from there to a surrogate father/daughter vibe, correct? That's all good and interesting but do you have a driving engine behind that? A series of events (plot) that unfolds independent of the relationships developing around it? The stronger the plot, the easier it is to develop the themes and character arcs, which are great for building empathy and tying a story together, but they kind of suck at doing the heavy lifting.
Finish with indirect discourse. The quotation marks disappear. That will allow you to keep the conversation awkwardly going without making the reader suffer through pauses. “You’re right. I’ll probably just be comatose.” Julian looked away and clenched his jaw. Saying that out loud hit him harder than he had expected it to. Senta rambled on about her brother-in-law and the danger of short sells . . . <blah blah blah> It felt as if she were avoiding Julian's obvious issues. He needed to pop a pill but didn't want to do so while she was watching, as if he wanted the that kind of attention. < blah blah> That way it will feel like pages of dialog take place. It gives you a nice spot to segue into inner dialog, setting, etc. before moving on.
@Spencer1990 and @Homer Potvin Thank you both! You have each identified exactly what the issue is: I was not clear in my own mind what the goal of the scene was. The main point of the scene is to take these two characters who initially do not get on well, force them into a situation where they are physically trapped together (on the train) and for them to start getting to know each other. They will go their separate ways once the train has finally arrived (obviously, as they don’t live together), but they need to meet again. The other character (Senta) becomes concerned for Julian, and I am envisioning that she will insist on giving him her contact details. Part of his subsequent character development will be to choose to act on this and make contact with her. So my problem is linking the two up. I’ve still got fizzled-out dialogue and an unresolved goal. I’m thinking that actually, the train lurching to a start and pulling in to the station might be ok at this point, as it would neatly advance the scene to the point at which they separate. My question is, is it too neat? Homer - yes, you’re right, that is part of their development. There is a lot more to the plot, but that is only being suggested at this point. Later on it their relationship will become important in the decisions they each make regarding the main overarching plot, and the drama will ramp up as they encounter another character who has had a more dramatic arc. I’m hoping that alternating between that character and these ones will give a nice variety between chapters (two disparate characters forming a friendship, interspersed by another who is isolated and trying to escape a toxic wasteland), and then Julian and Senta become embroiled in his arc, and ultimately help him jointly accomplish a goal which resolves the overall issue of the novel. So yes, there is quite a bit of exposition of their relationship at this point, but it’s important for both their individual arcs and the overall plot, and my aim is to keep the reader interested by switching between this and something more dramatic. I hope that answers your question, and any feedback would be welcome.
@Seven Crowns That would work if they had a more established relationship, but at this point they hardly know each other (they met shortly before getting on the train), so she’s not rambling about anything. However, I like your idea of moving to inner dialogue, but perhaps focused on his thoughts and feelings about the conversation they had just had. Would this be a bit tell-y though?
I kind of like the idea of fizzled out dialogue here, then a scene break, and move on to the next part of the story. Though, it's really hard to get a read on the scene in question because I haven't seen it.
Yes. It has a time and a place. The advantage of the tell is its speed. It compresses time. You can jump right back into the conversation at a more interesting spot (to you and to the reader).
I was going to suggest you use some "tell" in this situation. "Show" is great for important stuff, but "tell" is useful to move the story along and direct it where it needs to go. If you've already covered the important stuff? Sounds like time for "tell". ETA: Damn, this thread is FULL of cross-posting!
How about the old three star scene break? I’ve used it elsewhere in this project. Is that the kind of thing you had in mind? Thanks guys. I actually felt that some tell could go here, but I’ve been avoiding it as much as possible. I’ll try putting some in and see how it feels.
If you don't want the train to immediately start up as if it were listening, you could throw in a transition: “You’re right. I’ll probably just be comatose.” Julian looked away and clenched his jaw. Saying that out loud hit him harder than he had expected it to. The silence continued, unbroken, until the train lurched to a start. When they pulled into the station, Senta said, "Well, blah." "Blah." Julian gathered his things and walked away.
I hadn’t thought of reducing the timescale like that. Also, I’ll be plagiarising that quality dialogue
I just wanted to thank you guys again for all your suggestions. After sleeping on it, I got up this morning and wrote 600 words and finished this scene. I used @ChickenFreak’s suggestion of compressing some time where they sat in silence for a while, then @Seven Crowns and @BayView’s suggestion of doing some telling. This meant I could describe Julian’s reflections on the conversation they had just had, and show the process of him making a decision. This also allowed me to use the stuck train, when it did start moving, as a metaphor for him making a decision which he had previously been unable to make. This makes the train more than just a plot device to force the two characters together. Finally, I took @Spencer1990 and @Homer Potvin’s advice and considered the purpose of the scene, and this helped me finish it off. I really appreciate all your help guys. When this novel is done I’m really gonna owe you all
