Goodday/evening! I have never before written any dialogue so suck at it or at least I think so at this present moment. I might be some unpolished diamond or something, who knows. This is a part I wrote today and it’s going into my story but since I never written any dialogue. I feel kinda lost. I'm writing a graphic story so there is a bit of crazy crap in this thing your gonna read. So if someone can point out all the wrong things I did writing this. I'd be really happy because I might actually learn something. Shortly afterwards he begins to speak with himself in a strange matter of way. Asking questions directed to himself and then replying with a hysterical voice and behaving in a very eccentric way sporadic and random. “Let’s say! I’m always the one doing all the work around here, right?” he said and began twisting his head shaking it side to side like something was creeping or running up his neck. “Yes! You always have to hack, grind, rip work with meat, uncooked, juicy, stinking filth” he complained and yet again shaking in the same strange way. “They are too afraid… afraid to get a little messy!” he said and suddenly started to laugh again. “Stop!” he snapped. “You aren’t afraid for blood are you? No… no… stab you, stab you!” he shouted in a menacing manner and yet again letting out his insane wheezing laughter. “Me! He he he… madness! I’ll show you. Lester is capable of things only I know, but now… where did I put that toy of mine?” I watch from the store window as he begins to dig after something in a nearby greenish container, its color has faded a lot already. He’s throwing out useful scrap and other things one by one until he yells and outbursts with his laughter. “Yes! I found it, yes –yes!” I watch already anticipating seeing something sick already from the broken store window. As the man lifts his arm out of the container; he’s holding a hacksaw in his hand, a rusty old one with blood dried onto the saw tips. He stands there looking at his saw, admiring it for a while before he starts to approach the dead woman. “It isn’t very sharp no more but it’s alright. Why don’t I just plunge my knife into her belly and indulge myself some mighty fine liver?” he said seeming to think he was a comedian. The man then crouches down and grabs a hold of her left ankle, straightens the leg, and then places the cutting edge above her kneecap. “Lester isn’t afraid of jack shit, not for a fucking thing! I’ll show you! Are you ready dear?” he snarled and laughed. I feel how a wave of disgust washes over me by the noise caused by the saw tearing through the dead woman’s leg. Without much effort he goes back and forth with his blood coated saw until he reaches her bone pipe. The noise then turns into a very sickening hollow tune repeating itself like a melody of dread and terror. The man gets more gruesome in his behavior and starts to escalate his pace, becoming more and more violent so that even blood splatters up in his face as he tries to disassemble her limb. Through the sawing sounds and all the rest, I hear him; he’s humming on a short roundelay, “Tra la la, tra la lee, da da dum dum, dee dee… cut cut … and grind through uncooked meat!” as he continuously saws her leg trying to get through the bone with little progress it seems. He stands himself upright and yells, “This isn’t fucking working!” “You dead fucking whore!” he then said and raved at her corpse gasping for his breath, he then continued to show his anger by stomping uncontrollably on her blood battered leg. All of a sudden a cracking sound echoes through the unoccupied town. “Wow! Now that’s a fine piece of meat!” he said while heaving the leg up on his shoulder like a bindle; he then gives the corpse a last glance, “Still sure you don’t want to dance baby?” he said then started making his way to the alley with the blood soaked leg on his shoulder.
I don't think dialogue is your problem. If I read this correctly (and it is very possible I did not, because I read it quickly), it appears that this is only a single character talking to himself -- this isn't regular dialogue, even though he's speaking words, and your narrator is hearing them. So you're not having the problem here that most people talk about when they ask about creating conversations. I actually think that the words that the character is speaking aloud are not so bad. However, you've got a lot of "telling" thrown in there and the first paragraph is awkwardly phrased and confusing. As a quick example, I'm not sure what "like something was creeping or running up his neck" means. I don't have a clear picture of how this would make one twist and shake his head. "He complained and yet again shaking in the same strange way" isn't working for me. You can just leave it at what he says. I'd take out this whole phrase. Also, I'd take out "suddenly." You don't need it and it doesn't add anything.
I understand. I probably rushed through that description a little too fast. I'll try to make sense out of it. Have you ever had that feeling where you feel shiver and you just have to shake your head back and forth. It's kind of unpleasant that's what I meant.
I have moved your thread to the the General Fiction area of the forum. Threads containing this much text constitute critique, even when you are asking a specific question concerning the text.
First of all, it's not terrible by any stretch of the imagination. The thing you want to remember about dialogue tags is when not to use them. Also keep in mind redundancy. Some specific thoughts, focusing on the dialogue and not the narration: Okay, one trick for using dialogue tags is to place them in varying locations. If you always add 'he said.' after every peice of dialogue it will become noticeable and the whole point of dialogue is for the reader to unconsciously ignore the tags. For instance, this line could be written as such: “Let’s say!" he said. "I’m always the one doing all the work around here, right?” He twisted his head, shaking it side to side like an insect was crawling up his neck. (Also, avoid phrases such as 'he started', 'he began' and just say what he's currently doing. Remember we are reading it in real time so it's implied that he has started to perform any action.) Next, be careful of redundancy. Try to use your dialogue to convey tone instead of using your tags. If there is an exclamation point, we know he is yelling. If his dialogue is complaining, you don't need to say 'he complained'. Also, there is only one person speaking in this scene so you could remove a good portion of these tags. If you go through this peice and find out where to trim the tags and avoid repeating lines, it will come together nicely. Good luck! ~ JJ
You could just say something like "He shivered, even though it was seventy five degrees," or something like that.
Thanks a lot for this post it's very helpful. I'm gonna sit myself down and study dialogue writing some and read through this a few extra times.
There are only a few of reasons forthe author to have a character talking aloud to himself: - the author wants another character nearby to overhear - the character talking to himself is practicing a speech - the character talking himself has this habit - the character is boltering self to perform a deed not normally within his character In these cases, does the author use quotations as would be used if the character was speaking to another person? If the character we assume to be talking to self aloud is not talking aloud but thinking these complete thoughts, does the author use quotations or italics without quotations?
