Tags:
  1. marcusl

    marcusl New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2009
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0

    Two sentences from the Mass Effect novel

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by marcusl, Nov 14, 2009.

    I read this sentence in Mass Effect: Revelation:

    "The docking bay loomed before them, a gaping hole in the gleaming hull of the station's exterior."

    Is this line okay? I thought readers might get confused that the "gaping hole" refers to "them" (the soldiers). I've heard of a thing called dangling modifiers, but I'm not certain if this is what it is. Would it have to be:

    "Before them loomed the docking bay, a gaping hole..."

    I may as well share another sentence from the novel while I'm here:

    "As the executive officer it fell to Anderson to replay the captain's orders to the enlisted crew... and to make sure those orders were properly carried out."

    I don't understand the purpose of the "..." here?

    Thanks.
     
  2. The-Joker

    The-Joker Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2008
    Messages:
    742
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Africa
    For your first example, I don't think it's a problem because 'them' can't be 'a' gaping hole. Plural and single. The reader's mind automatically interprets the sentence correctly.

    If it was 'him' instead of them, it may cause confusion, but I'd probably still write it that way. I may be wrong.
     
  3. Mister Micawber

    Mister Micawber Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2009
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Yokohama
    Dangling modifiers needn't be constantly searched out and purged; common sense takes care of most of them. In this case, I do like your recasting, however.

    Re the ellipse, we may need context, but I presume that it creates a sort of mini-tension here, an emphasis for some reason on this consequent prerogative of the Exec Officer.
     
  4. Nackl of Gilmed

    Nackl of Gilmed New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2009
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Perth, Australia
    I agree with Joker. If it had been a single person it might have been confusing, but I had no trouble understanding it as is.
     
  5. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    36,161
    Likes Received:
    2,827
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    The first example suffers from a surplus of modifiers, but it isn't really all that confusing. Also, "gaping hole" is somewhat of a misfit in the description. It gives an impression of damage rather than design. The wording is accurate enough, but the connotation is off.

    The modifiers aren't dangling, but they are not well managed, either.
     
  6. Nobeler Than Lettuce

    Nobeler Than Lettuce New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2008
    Messages:
    551
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Anytown USA
    The ellipsis is being used in a completely stupid fashion. You should never use an ellipsis to build tension or to indicate a long pause, that's what the dash "-" is for. I can't believe they let a published novel go through with such a glaring error. But I suppose, if the first sentence is any indication, they just don't give a fluck.
     
  7. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,150
    Likes Received:
    1,034
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    first sentence is ok, though a bit scrambled, imo...

    re the second, an ellipsis should not be used in the middle of a narrative sentence... it's ok in dialog, if signifying a pause in speech... where that one was used, an em dash would be the correct mark...
     
  8. SHorgan

    SHorgan New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    I think it's fine. When I imagine a docking bay, especially in a Mass Effect context, I imagine a hole in side of a space station or some structure.
     
  9. architectus

    architectus Banned

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    1,795
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Ca
    I think the problem with the sentence is that the docking bay wouldn't be a gaping hole, the entrance to the docking bay would be.

    The entrace to the dockbay loombed before them, a gaping hole . . .
     
  10. SHorgan

    SHorgan New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Is that particularly important though? The same image is formed, people assume the gaping hole refers to the entrance, as it would be absurd for a docking bay itself to be a hole.
     
  11. architectus

    architectus Banned

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    1,795
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Ca
    Well, it certainly is more clear and precise, and at only the cost of three more words.
     
  12. Atari

    Atari Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2009
    Messages:
    455
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Louisiana
    It would be better if he had properly used the ellipsis, though:

    . . .

    Not ...
     
  13. BillyxRansom

    BillyxRansom Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2008
    Messages:
    413
    Likes Received:
    16
    No it wouldn't really make any difference. Technically, you are right about the spacing, but the use itself in this way is completely unnecessary and no matter how you look at it, it shouldn't be in the narrative, like someone else said.
     
  14. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,150
    Likes Received:
    1,034
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    yup! [to all of that]
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice