Too depressed to write

I'm the most depressed I've been in a long time and I just can't write. My goal this year was to start writing more consistently and I'm at a point where I haven't written anything in over two weeks. I thought it was just the story I was currently writing so I set it aside and was going to start writing a novella I've been thinking about for a while....and I couldn't get more than a sentence or two down on the page. I tried to think of something else to write (a piece of flash fiction or something) and I looked at a bunch of prompts and just can't write anything. It honestly makes me want to cry. I feel so empty and I feel this pressure that I need to write or else all my dreams will fail and I'll never be a good writer and blah blah blah. Every time I fail at writing I get so angry with myself and I feel like I'm wasting time and I need to hurry up and write something.

I'm currently a college freshman and I'm so depressed that I keep missing class, have been eating junk food every day, and I haven't worked out in two weeks. Next semester I'm taking a fiction writing workshop and I feel this pressure to get my shit together when it comes to writing or else I'll embarrass myself in the class, but I just can't get anything down. What do I do? How do I write when I'm barely capable of functioning at all in general?

 

Speaking as someone who had a hard time of it socially as a freshmen and sophomore in college (to put it in perspective, i went to school 5 hours away from my family, my bitchy roommate had moved out and transferred schools, but because i'd roommed with her, no one wanted to room with me, so i spent 4 years of college in a single room).

I was depressed and lonely.

I saw my campus therapist. our first session, she asked me to tell her what i was feeling and i just sobbed. we didnt talk much that session, she just listened while i cried. and that, in that moment, was more helpful than anything.

I dont know whats going on with you in your college experience, but utilize your resources. A new environment, culture shock, being away from family and friends.... it just hits people differently.

In terms of your writing, I also hit a slump when I went to college. Writing for me didnt pick back up regularly until i switched my major to English Literature the last semester of my sophomore year. and when I went to grad school, i stopped writing again. there is a whole 4 year gap in my publication portfolio/resume/whatever you call it.

Once you find your rhythm as a STUDENT, your writing may fall into place.
its no use trying to keep the momentum you had pre-college. its a nice thought, but until you find your rhythm in your new environment (that includes mental health), it will continue to be a challenge to write.

Again.... utilize your recourses. If you are in America, the vast majority of college campuses have councilors and therapists.

 

I don't want to say too much but I will say this: Success is made of failure. Just like diamonds are made of carbon or wine is made from grape juice. Failure isn't particularly pleasant - for that matter neither are raw carbon or squashed sour grapes - but it's still the only raw material you can use to fashion the end product you desire. There are no substitutes. If you're dissatisfied with the quality of your work, it's almost certainly because you've failed too little rather than too much. If someone else surpasses you, it's probably because they failed more than you, not less.

Also, from someone whose username is literally a psychiatric drug, get help. Not necessarily the pharmaceutical kind, but help nonetheless.

 

Get help, of course, as they said above.

However on writing: Lots of people don't write much until later in life. Often because they don't have enough things to write about (that they are prepared to write about). For what its worth, reading is far more important than writing to progress your writing. By an order of magnitude. Novels, the news, Wikipedia binges, anything really. So let yourself off the writing for a while and read, like a painter going out into nature. Also reading seldom adds to depression and just might shed a tiny guttering light on your circumstances.

EDIT: I'm not assuming you aren't already reading plenty. You may well be. I'm saying that reading plenty is development enough for a writer, especially for one in a bind. Actual writing is secondary and I shouldn't beat yourself up over it too much.

 

I've been dealing with depression on and off for fifty years. It's not fun, and even those closest to you have a difficult time understanding. When I was first diagnosed it was called Chronic Clinical Depression. Now they call it Major Depression. My preference is Nuerochemical Brain Disease. Why? Because it is a chemical imbalance in your brain and something that is completely out of your control. As silly as it sounds, putting this bracket around my disability - and it really is a disability - somehow makes it easier to deal with emotionally. I'm not "mentally ill" but have disease just as serious as diabetes or any other physical ailment.

One of the hardest parts, after you have seen the proper medical professionals, is finding the antidepressant that works for you. My problem is that I am very prone to the side effects of medications, which made it a difficult, many months long journey.

What has helped me, and quite a few others, is developing a routine. It started with making my bed. After a week or two, then adding another chore, making sure I had a good breakfast, preferably healthy foods. Then add another task, like cleaning up and organizing my personal space. What you choose to do is up to you, but sticking to it gives a you a sense of accomplishment. You can build on that.

Exercise and eating right are also ways to improve your mood. And don't try to run a marathon your first day. Start with a stretching program. Besides making you feel good, it helps with the prevention of injuries when you do start doing systemic exercise. Take your time, don't be impatient, don't hurt yourself. I'm currently in life-limbo, and can't wait to get back into my regular routine.

As you keep adding chores to your day you develop a sense of accomplishment which improves your mind-set. It may be weeks or months, but you will eventually add your writing time to your daily schedule.

But please, get some professional help. That is your first chore.

 

Yeah that's not necessarily a writing problem, rather, it's a health problem. There are professionals that can help. Most colleges have a counselling route of some kind that's quite painless, since these feelings are a lot more common than you might think.