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  1. WiltChamberlain

    WiltChamberlain Member

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    Can Someone Spice This Up?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by WiltChamberlain, Sep 1, 2017.

    Hi, this is my sentence: "Having to pay my way through school, I procured employment with …"

    I'd like help with the first part "Having to pay my way through school …" For my tastes, I'd prefer, or at least like to consider, something less simple/straightforward/whatever. I'll be very grateful for your suggestion(s). Thanks. This, by the way, is for a memoir in progress :)

    —WC
     
  2. WiltChamberlain

    WiltChamberlain Member

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    Anybody?
     
  3. DueNorth

    DueNorth Senior Member

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    "As a very tall kid from Philly, I worked my way through college at the University of Kansas by playing basketball for the Jayhawks. Eventually, I was able to get a better-paying gig in the NBA and continued on my quest to sleep with 20,000 women before Magic Johnson's HIV scare led me to celibacy."

    Just kidding (based on your screen name). Here is a more serious attempt: "When I arrived at xyz state, I worked my way through college with a variety of jobs. Most interesting was..." or "I was flat broke when I got to school. I needed to find a way to eat so I hustled work as a ..."

    Frankly, it is difficult for anyone to help you write one sentence because that one sentence needs to be written in the context of the tone of your larger piece. You might have better luck posting a larger portion of your piece in the workshop--one sentence edits are really difficult (and that is probably why you are not getting many responses and it is why I am joking with you).
     
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  4. Shadowfax

    Shadowfax Contributor Contributor

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    Unfortunately, Wilt hasn't acquired posting rights yet, because he's only made 12 posts and zero critiques in his 6+ months of membership. And that's because every post he makes is a request for help with his CV.
     
  5. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

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    "Possessing to renumerate my byway from the beginning to the end seminary, I solicited use beside..."

    Hope that helps.
     
  6. Shadowfax

    Shadowfax Contributor Contributor

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    @Tenderiser , surely this belongs on the Google translate thread?
     
  7. The Dapper Hooligan

    The Dapper Hooligan (V) ( ;,,;) (v) Contributor

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    Personally, I wouldn't knock simple, straightforward text. Big words and convoluted sentences don't make for good writing and it if is overly complicated, then people are going to have a hard time reading it. If it were me writing it, I would have written. "Needing to work through school, I got a job with..." That's my voice, though, and, being a memoir, you really should use yours. It's supposed to be a reflection of you, so you really shouldn't be using words and phrases that you wouldn't be using in normal conversation. The exception to this is if you're writing someone elses memoir, then you need to figure out their voice. If you don't like @Tenderiser 's suggestion, then maybe, "Having need to find employment to accommodate my monetary needs for the upcoming semesters, I deigned procure employment with..."
     
  8. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

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    Nah, it's a "use a thesaurus on every word" thread... which is actually a good idea...

    (I mean, the thread is a good idea. Using a thesaurus on every word is clearly not.)
     
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  9. WiltChamberlain

    WiltChamberlain Member

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    Oh …

    You don't know what I'm writing, and it's very arrogant of you to claim that you do. Nor do you know why I haven't made any critiques, only that I haven't. So what's your problem? Is this an inside joke? Are you the resident troll? I ask not to be obnoxious, just out of (a) general morbid curiosity and (b) feeling the need to semi-defend myself against something so out of nowhere. Hopefully I did so respectfully.

    To everyone else, thank you, as always (or, rather, as far back as my last 11 posts?)
     
  10. The Dapper Hooligan

    The Dapper Hooligan (V) ( ;,,;) (v) Contributor

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    I'm pretty sure this is an actual written rule sent to us in the welcome message from @Wreybies that we all should have read when we joined the forums.
     

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