Need help with a piece of dialogue that makes romance writers literally go "ooo." Context: FL is from a Nordic-type village settlement that likes to hunt and explore her lands but is forbidden to enter the "dark wood" forest where a dangerous set of massive wolves reside. ML turns out to be one of those wolves, specifically a werewolf. Scene I'm thinking of is an adult one where she explores the forest and stumbles upon him swimming naked in a river. I want him to know she's there from the minute she finds him, and after realizing she is ogling his backside, does he turn to the side and go: "- - little kitten." I need something before the kitten phrase that will draw readers in. Right now all I can think of is: "I know you are there, little kitten..." or something similar but it doesn't feel that catchy to me.
"What a little playful kitten," he almost purred, his head turned to the side, and that's when she knew his eyes were upon her. "Watching a man bathe..." Hm...not sure how I like it. What does it sound like to you? Does it draw you in?
That's what I thought, it didn't feel right. I haven't written the scene yet, that was just something I thought up on the fly. What else do you think it needs?
Given that’s he’s a wolf, kitten seems an odd metaphor to pick that aside you may be over thinking something simple like “ I know you’re watching “ would tell us everything we nedd
"Come in, the water's fine. Always make time for a dip. Will you come in a-wading with me?" "Have you come to admire nature?" "You scrutinize me like I am market goods." "Have you come to make me blush? I don't blush that easily." Or he just gives her a rakish look and then breaks out in a bawdy song.
“So fair her hair, so smooth her brow, so bonny blue her eyes, my dearie—So white her teeth, so sweet her breath, I often kiss her till I’m weary!” The point is, he doesn't have to say, "I know you're there." If he talks (or sings) to her, it shows that he knows she is there.
Ooo I see now. This helps a lot! Already I'm thinking a bit of this: "Have you come to admire the nature of the forest, or me?" He turns his head to the side and his green eyes catch hers. Or.... "It's not everyday I find such a beauty gawking over my bath. Come on out, miss." This has been very helpful so I'll keep on thinking of what feels right. Thank you all!
"Hello." I'm not be facetious; I can't even spell facetious, I had to go look that up. Killer opening lines are over-rated. Its all in the eyes.
"Curiosity killed the cat. Do you see anything worth dying for, little kitten?" He grinned over his shoulder, then seeing my mortification at being caught, he chuckled. "Don't worry. I don't bite. The water's fine, by the way, or don't you swim?"
I would ditch the kitten part. There are some other suggestions here that would probably work better. I also don't think any line of dialog is likely to impress romance writers in the way you are hoping.
As I mentioned it was just something I thought of on the fly to help show a bit of the scene I'm thinking of. Dialogue was not ever set in stone. And yes that's why I'm asking for help that will help me impress. I don't want to fall flat in this introduction to my character.
The quote thing didn't work so forgive me I'm still new to the site but to the one about joining him in the water, I do like that one a lot. I'm already imagining the scene in my head and tweaking things a bit but this is very helpful. Thank you!
