1. Adesa

    Adesa New Member

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    In need of help making a better character introduction

    Discussion in 'Character Development' started by Adesa, Mar 7, 2017.

    I'm currently working on a visual novel, and I'm at the point of making promotional images of the characters, accompanied with a brief biography/description.

    English is not my first language, so I'm having trouble in making a good, but compact descriptions that are comparable to native writers (or at least don't sound too amateurish)

    The theme of the story is supernatural. It's about a girl who inherited her ability to communicate with spirits from her now deceased mother.
    Her mother was the head shaman of the village she lived in and she ruled it like a tyrant. With the shaman dead, the villagers just can't seem to let go of their hate and now point their hate towards the innocent daughter.
    Because of how bad the villagers treats her from something she didn't do, and how scary/troublesome being approached by ghosts all the time, she grew to hate her power and wanted it gone.

    That's the long, boring description. For the promo images tho, I need to write it in a compact, but interesting to read fashion. Preferably in one paragraph.

    Here's what I came up with:

    "A girl burdened with the ability to communicate with the spirits.
    As a direct descendant of the late head shaman, she inherited not only her mother’s gift, but also the ire of the people she had wronged.
    Persecuted by people around her, she grew to hate the power thrust upon her and blames it for robbing her of her chance to live a normal life."​

    That was the best I can come up with. I'm sure there are better ways to write/words to convey the message, that's why I need help.

    Thanks in advance!
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
    Oscar Leigh likes this.
  2. S A Lee

    S A Lee Contributor Contributor

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    If this is a pitch you intend to give to prospective players, then perhaps:

    '[Name] never sought more than to love a normal, happy life, but when her mother, the tyrannical shaman [mother's name] passes away, she inherits the power to commune with the dead. Now, she's the focus of both the grudges of the living and the requests of their dearly departed.'

    From there, I can't really say without knowing what direction the story itself is taking. If she's running away, maybe something like:

    'Determined to forge her own destiny, [name] flees the village, but what dangers await her?'

    Or if she's staying:

    'Bound to her home village, she must now juggle both these outside adversaries, and the anger in her own heart.'
     
    Oscar Leigh, jannert and Shadowfax like this.
  3. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Your English looks fine to me.
     
    Oscar Leigh likes this.
  4. S A Lee

    S A Lee Contributor Contributor

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    @Homer Potvin Thanks, your post brought up something I should have said.

    In terms of the use of English, there was certainly nothing wrong with the original. If anything, it would be more accurate to say that it needed to be fashioned into a hook.
     
    Oscar Leigh likes this.
  5. Lankle

    Lankle Member

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    I'm wondering how short you want it and therefore how much background you want to include. My first idea to really cut it down was
    - The living don't like her, the dead won't leave her alone. Now she has to clean up her mother's mess and try to have a normal life.
    Is this any use as an example?
     
  6. Willoby

    Willoby New Member

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    Unlike her evil mother, (name) has been fighting her curse of speaking with spirits her whole life, while trying to fit into a tribe that resents everything about her.
     

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