So... -The waiting list for a consultation about gender stuff is now three years long so I hate the NHS -I still don't have a job a year later and job advisors are really bad ;-; (I had one literally try to get me to apply for a job I told them I'd applied to the week before, she never took any notes) -I no longer want to die all the time?? Thanks to amazing therapy from a man who specialises in giving therapy to autistic people. The reason why therapy had never worked for me before was that many of these therapists either ignored I was autistic or tried to make not be which is dumb and impossible. -I'm still engaged to my lover boy from America, my main writing focus being our collab right now.
Sorry guys for being missing in action for so long. I was gone so long writing forums seems to have deleted all my alerts so if you wanted me, please reply to here. What have I been doing since my last update? Been stuck on a two year waiting list for consultation about my gender Been happily engaged since 1st Jan, to my wonderful boyfriend Been learning how to do pixel art Spent six months with my boyfriend over here!!!! (he had to go back on 26th June though which stinks) Acquired lots of plant children, including pitcher plants, cacti and succulents Wrote lots of poems and songs Overhauled all of my stories, so yes, any writing I have done means diddly squat except practice I guess? Got a name change, despite most of the world had known me as Ismo, just had to be legal Ismo, you know? Really got into the Elder Scrolls Lost my job through lack of work Lost my PIP due to having eye contact with the consultant (yes, really) Can't get any work due to being autistic and getting emails back saying 'you don't fit the job profile' despite the fact that I do so the only thing I can think of is listing that I'm autistic Had that creep from Finland stalk me across different online platforms Rediscover the joy of bubbles Allowing my self to stim rather than suppress it Been pretty much disowned by my gran for being trans, being gay and getting engaged Gained weight and no longer feel like a skeleton But oh no the dysphoria of the bigger chest :/ Very happy with the progress I've made on my story despite it still doesn't exist XD Given up driving due to the fact it destroyed my mental health Had days without a glimmer of my depression Made some really cool lego things Made many woven scarves and wall hangings
So, the last six months have both been some of the best and worst moments of my life. Maybe I'll actually talk about it all someday, maybe not. But over that time my view of my gender has changed again because I'm an indecisive wotsit. So hi, I'm a nonbinary guy, come to fuck shit up basically. My gran still doesn't know, I don't know whether I will ever tell her, even with the constant pressure from my immediate family to do so. She is a scary scary woman. I honestly don't think I like her as a person. My brain likes her because of some forced 'she's family' loyalty I believe. But that being said, I might tell her of my name change as she changed her name from the one she was given so she can't say shit. Family who does know has actually started making an active effort with my name recently (which I think is down to the threat of my boyfriend coming on over) despite saying they've been trying for months -_- If they'd be trying like this when I first said 'hey, this is my new name, please and thank you' they'd have got it down about a month ago. My mamma still gets upset about the whole thing and I always feel very nervous about correcting her because it usually ends up with her crying which makes everyone involved feel terrible. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm crazy or selfish still. But I just can't see myself being happy with what I was before, it fucking hurt. There's gonna be a lot more hurting I know but I'm gonna be so much better for it. I feel it on the horizon.
I did again. Oh dear. I'm bad at this. No, I haven't been writing at all until the last two weeks. I feel terrible. But in the last three weeks everything changed and I can write again. Let's hope it stays good.
I deserve a slap to the wrists, I'm so easily distracted. Anyway, last night I found a website that you can make family trees on and because even though my royal family aren't main characters, what happens in their lives certainly affects the lives of my MCs. As I said, I did this last night so being told if dates are dodgy would be very helpful. Also trying to work out how to date this world is so hard. View attachment 22965 If you also want to be distracted from what you are supposed to be doing in the pretence of doing something else useful, here's the link: Oh sorry, wrong link: https://www.familyecho.com/#edit:START Have fun!
On Sunday I went to church for the first time in a long time. After communion (which I still don't take, I get a blessing instead) you are expected to pray. The problem is that the whole time before eyes had flickered my way far too much, I could feel them on my back and it is a horrible feeling. So instead I cried. I told myself that of course God wouldn't care what gender I was but at the end of the day I was in a room full of people who did care. In that sort of pitying way, tilting their head, eyes down, nodding as if I were a child, which my grandma also does. 'What are you today then, duck?' 'Me, mamma, I'm me.' New year's eve is when my Gran (v. catholic and doesn't know) comes to stay so just for then I think I'll go back to wearing what I did before, because I'm really too tired to fight or convince anyone right now. I remember when my diagnosis for autism came through, I was nine and she said I was just a stubborn child and didn't believe the diagnosis. But now if I do anything wrong it is what she goes to. This'll be just another thing, 'ah you have autism, so that's why you're confused.' Maybe it is, but it is the realist feeling so tell me I'm mad and I might believe you, but tell me I'm making it up, I know I'm not. A downer of a blog so have some gifs:
You know when you say you don't know to a question, but you do know your exact thoughts on it, and you just don't want to say them? I wish I felt like that. I just don't know. I don't know where my novel is going, I don't know where my short stories are going, I don't know where I'm going. I just don't know anything. I can plot, outline, scrap, first draft, edit, scrap again until I'm blue in the face but everything just isn't right. And again, I don't know why. I know something's wrong with it, but what? Don't know that. I can't explain myself clearly at all and I just don't know the reasons for the way I feel anymore. I was volunteering at a woodland but I stopped. Why? Why would I know? I just don't feel in control anymore and it annoys me like hell. I really feel like giving up on so many things as I see them go wrong over and over again, and it takes everything out of me not too.
My dad came home from work and was like- do we need to talk? All I could think was shit, shit, I've messed this up. But no, he was alright with it really. He was just a little confused with all the terms there are. Again I had a big old cry while trying to explain exactly how I feel. He wanted to know how to address me, whether he should tell anyone and was just wanting to know more rather than why??? Which is good I suppose. Still, he said I'm confused on my gender near the start of the massive discussion but by the end I got him to understand I'm not confused, I know exactly how I feel, the only things I'm confused on is whether to tell people and how to tell people this. Just one step at a time. Breath. Next step is looking how I want to around everyone, and either learning to ignore the whispers, or being brave enough to explain them away. (I'm terrified to tell my gran on my dad's side still, she doesn't believe in all this sexuality and gender 'rubbish', but we'll deal with that when it comes. Most likely at Christmas. Joy oh joy.)
Today I have come out as Bi-gender to my dad. I don't have a clue how he feels about it as I'm a bloody coward and sent him the longest email anyone has ever seen. For years I have listed on websites as 'other'. For years have dressed in a way and wore my hair in a way that make people stop and think before addressing me. But not in front of my dad. Or my mum. Or my family. Living away at college made this pretence easy, but now I'm back home I was finding it extremely hard to keep it up. So first I came out to my mum two weeks ago. I cried for a good hour while trying to explain the messed up way I feel about my gender. I didn't want to come out to my dad as he gets overly concerned and will try to convince me and himself I'm making a fuss over nothing. But now I've came to a point where I tell myself, I'm fed up with everything. I don't want my gender being another thing that I hate about myself. I've felt this way since twelve and I think that's long enough to keep it to yourself. So I've told him. And now I want to shout it out to the bloody world.
As an ex-drama student (it happened) I still watch lots of film analysis. A lot of it is obvious to anyone, some is just cool to learn about, others just re-confirm what I know but, sometimes, it actually informs my writing so I thought you might want to have a look-see! In other news, today has been a good day for my WIP and two of my short stories. Got quite a bit done!
I just found this lovely video by The School of Life, enjoy! And this one made me think and laugh my head off! Have a good day!
This is like something out of a children's magical adventure but this has produced no magic. As of yet. So today I'm going on holiday and as per usual, I have filled up my notebooks so I'm choosing a new one from my stash (everyone has a stash of empty notebooks, right?) and I find this tattered old notebook. View attachment 22950 I didn't just magically find it, no. I just forgot about it. The book is full of all my great-grandma's (not sure which side) poems. These poems are all in beautiful writing: View attachment 22951 Some of it is too fancy for my eyes to read though which is a shame. Here's my favourite (she didn't use stanzas) which I still really like even with me not being able to understand half of it. Love Lies by Mary Salt We are held by lies of love, wherever we may be- *unknown word* lies closely woven from the threads of memory....Threads of as fine as gossamer about our lives ?enlivined? - Bind and hold us in the secret places of the mind. Threads of unsubstantial dreams: of thoughts, of hope and prayer. Of such the unseen bonds are made. Frail shackles light as air- And yet they reach across the world and link us, though apart..... Invisible, but strong are they.... The love-lies of the heart. Just thought it was interesting!
Today was the last day of work ex at the zoo after three weeks of intense work. And now I've got to find a job. I really want a job in conservation rather than in zoo keeping but there isn't really much in the way of nature reserves around me so I may have to move which is a laugh as I have no money. Oh well, I'll just get a job in something I hate like everyone else...
I once saw a picture, which turned out to be a Yes album cover, of some amazing islands which inspired this world when I was about 14. I'd forgotten about it until my dad bought said album and now I can't stop my brain from thinking about it. My main focus is not going well at all and I really don't like my writing style. Sooo I'm going to distract myself with a series of short story ideas I've been sitting on for years and has suddenly seemed a lot more interesting. It'll be about two societies who are seperated by a huge ocean and one is 18th century, the other 19th and they have only just discovered each other and it is about the cultrual clashes, interactions and general life as they try to get to know each other. Each society has its own problems with different races of magic and now they have to deal with an either more or less advanced society. I do enjoy writing short stories even if they do link together as my writing often seems fresher. I may post some of these short stories for review later. I'm quite disappointed in myself for not being able to push through my main effort but writing is writing I suppose!
Yesterday my computer died. Well, that isn't true. It still has the light on the side saying its on an responds with a blonk to USBs and wires. Luckily my WIP isn't on there (as I write on paper) but many other things are. All my sample writing for my time traveling murderer thing is on there and I'm pissed that I didn't back up my stuff lately (I do it monthly). I also have concept art and parts of a graphic novel on there which I was working on with someone else. I feel very silly that I didn't back up recently. From the way it is responding it seems my video card is gone so hopefully my stuff can be recovered off the storage. However this all means any secondary projects, all my pictures and other things will have to wait until I get a caddy or something to recover it all. I'm using my mum's netbook right now and it is horrible as the keys are all too close together. I can't even switch my laptop off though as the power button has stopped working too. And it is only a year and half old. I hope I can recover my stuff. UPDATE 12/07/16 I have recovered everything of my harddrive after an extremely unhelpful women told me yesterday that the problem was something internal so I bought a caddy and dismantled my laptop and recovered everything, saving it to several things. I've now got to find a new laptop...