Holy Crap

By Speedy · Oct 3, 2010 · 760 · 9
  1. (Mother of all fark - I had the blog almost complete, and i lost the page somehow. So take two)

    Anyway i know i said i wouldn't be on for a month, but I'm feeling a strange sensation tonight and need to pop on and rant.

    Been a hectic few days. Saw my psychologist, and my psychiatrists. Will see my doctor in a few days time and then revisit the others in a month. Apart from making me broke, i have learnt a lot and am starting to gain an edge over my inner demon.

    On anti-depressants and mood stabilisers.
    The mood stabilisers could knock an elephant over. I only take half a tablet and its sleep time.

    Sleep has been blissful. Usually in bed by eight at night and I'm usually up and about by seven in the morning. I'm having peaceful, dreamless uninterrupted sleep and it is great.

    Some strange occurrences are happening with the cocktail of drugs though. My concentration which i pride myself over has been shot to shreds. I was doing a crossword the other day and i had to read the clue at least half a dozen times to realise what it said. Also sometimes in conversation i have to ask people to repeat themselves. Not an issue really, considering everyone else i know has done that all there life's. ha ha.

    Also when in conversation, i'm finding myself a lot less quieter. I mean I'm usually the person who has to tell everyone all the current events and whats happening in the world. But i find myself just not having a lot to say. People will talk to me and I'll be like, "Sure", "okay", "yes" and "no". I just don't have much in my mind to say. I'm sure I'll open up when i get used to the medication.

    Also i seem to have lost a little control over my facial movements. This sounds odd, and worrying, but let my continue. Being a hardcore poker player, i know how to guard and bluff how i feel. I can't do this anymore. Joanne came over and all i could do was smile. I am not joking when i say i could not wipe the sile of my face. I tried, but could not. She was like you are happy, and i was like, "I'm okay, i guess." it was funny.

    Joanne and i are doing great She keeps saying she is proud of me, and i am proud of me as well.

    ANYWAY, to the reason i post tis blog
    What's the opposite of Melancholy? Is it Bliss?

    I'm not sure. But i was talking to some friends i knew in High School yesterday. I found out most of them had kids. And since then (18 hours ago) i have had this feeling, this urge of wanting to have a kid too.

    I can't explain it, i have forever told Joanne i never want kids. To the point that she agrees.

    Suddenly i have this hole in me that just wants to start and have a family, big time. Like really.


    *sigh* Anti-Depressants...

    I do feel great though.

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  1. Cogito
    The opposite of melancholy is an energetic, eager joy. Bliss is too passive an emotion, and a paralytic passiviness is a characteristic of melancholy too.
    Cogito, Oct 3, 2010
  2. Elgaisma
    Good to hear from you
    Elgaisma, Oct 3, 2010
  3. Lavarian
    Hey man, I'm glad to hear that you're doing better- at least in some areas. I know what you mean by that concentration problem. I usually get that when I'm reading just before I'm about to fall asleep. Suddenly, I realize that I haven't been paying attention to anything from the last few pages. That must be maddening to happen while you're "awake."

    I would wait a bit and, if you still feel the same, maybe it's time to have a serious talk with Joanne about having some kiddies? It's certainly an experience, let me tell you, and will almost certainly change you- possibly for the better.
    At least, your priorities will likely change anyway.
    Lavarian, Oct 3, 2010
  4. w176
    I on two mood stabiliser at the moment. I can just say. Hang in there. Most probably 90% of the tiredness will be gone within a month or two. Now a days I'm happy and balanced for the small price that i prefer to take a short nap some days. And your concentration will return too, and the creativity.

    And if you on a mood stabilisation I suspect that you have bipolar tendencies and might experience a little hymomania (pretty much the opposite of depression) when ideas like having kids suddenly feel really important, or even splendid. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania
    w176, Oct 3, 2010
  5. w176
    I on two mood stabiliser at the moment. I can just say. Hang in there. Most probably 90% of the tiredness will be gone within a month or two. Now a days I'm happy and balanced for the small price that i prefer to take a short nap some days. And your concentration will return too, and the creativity.

    And if you on a mood stabilisation I suspect that you have bipolar tendencies and might experience a little hymomania (pretty much the opposite of depression) when ideas like having kids suddenly can pop up feeling really important, or even splendid. You can get stuck on pretty much any idea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania
    w176, Oct 3, 2010
  6. Pallas
    The only constant here is that such things are cyclical in pattern if allowed to continue. Stay strong Speedy, stay focused, mere words I can only say, but the intent is sincere. Stay safe.
    Pallas, Oct 4, 2010
  7. Speedy
    @Lav, yeah i hear you. I'm pretty sure it was a medication thing though. Kids would be great, but I'd rather not spread my genes down to another generation.

    @W176, Thank you. Your right. I've been high normal, but this most certainly was one of those, hypo mania stages. My first one under medication. very different feeling. I actually felt very attached to it, unlike i was when i was not under medication. its going to hard experiences these. I thought depression was bad, but these highs feel dangerous (Not to myself physically, but emotionally) But as you said, in time, I'll learn to cope with these and they should balance out.

    Thanks guys.
    Speedy, Oct 4, 2010
  8. w176
    You might already know this but peep an eye on you spending. Hypomanias can be economically dangerous. And on you driving speed, your a lot more prone to speeding and risking behaviour. Keep strong. And if you dont trust your self hand over your credit cards and car keys to someone you trust and only keep a reasonable amount on cash at hand.
    w176, Oct 4, 2010
  9. Speedy
    Yep, vital point.

    Spending wise i'm fine. i dont hold the cards in the relationship, and what i do have is small.

    Driving wise - Good point. Though i have been limiting myself recently. But yes.
    Speedy, Oct 4, 2010
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