1. rhduke
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    rhduke Contributing Member Reviewer

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    Punctuation A little help with these

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by rhduke, Mar 23, 2014.

    So I'm awful at punctuation.

    The above is first person narration so I added the punctuation based his stream of thought. Right, wrong?

    Is there or isn't there supposed to be a comma there?
     
  2. vera2014
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    vera2014 Contributing Member

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    The wording of the first example confuses me. I think the writing is passive but I'm not an expert in grammar. I'm a bit confused whether he's seeing colors that are unique or if his iris color is unique. I'll go with the first guess--I did have to think a bit but maybe I'm slow, hehe.
    Here's how I'd word it:
    "I'm told that I can see colors that others can't, that I'm unique. I don't feel unique. They say I'm smarter, quicker--inhuman--but never to my face."

    (The sentence "smarter, quicker--inhuman" seemed a bit isolated so I attached it to the last part.)

    The punctuation in the second one looks fine to me.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2014
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  3. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    I'm not sure here, for lack of context, if the colors in reference are the colors the eyes can perceive or the actual pigmentation of the eyes themselves. Regardless, the first sentence is jumbled and a comma splice and also perhaps a triple splice, one with and one without a comma.

    My eye color is unique, but I don't feel unique. I feel like everyone else.

    The next sentence is confusing because the narrator has just stated his/her feelings of mundanity and then the next sentence speaks of superiority and trans-humanity. It's in the wrong place, though the punctuation seems fine to me. Ease up on using worlds like just and only.

    This seems fine to me.

    Both of these sentences are over-idiolected. I get that they are first person narration, thus in voice and manner of speech of the 1st person narrator, but this narrator would never want me as a friend because I would spend my days correcting him/her. ;)
     
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  4. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    doesn't seem fine to me...

    'the mountain we were traveling' makes no sense... one does not 'travel' a mountain... one 'travels to' it, or climbs or descends it and so on...
     
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  5. rhduke
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    rhduke Contributing Member Reviewer

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    Yeah hes seeing unique colors. Theres actually a sentence before it that makes it more clear :p

    I see what u mean. I didnt mean to make him sound superior in the second sentence, hes just repeating the words other people use to describe him, words he doesnt believe make him particularly special. But yeah its choppy and theres just something off about how I worded it.

    Ok so I like the examples you guys gave and this is my fix:

    ;) This wink doesnt mean anything I just cant delete it from this tablet for some reason...
     
  6. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    Ok, this first sentence makes no sense to me (is everyone else smarter and quicker? what is it exactly they are saying? is he unique or is everyone else unique?) but regardless, I'd punctuate it like this:
    The other one is very oblique, it refers to a 'mountain you are travelling' it's a rather nice but poetic way of saying you were travelling up the mountain, through it, down the etc. This poetic expression seemed unusual for prose (to me anyway) but I liked it.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2014
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  7. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I feel that the first sentence is trying too hard to get the double use of the word "unique", and it's suffering as a result. I would go with plainer language. One theoretical example:

    I'm the only one who can see those colors. I'm smarter, quicker, inhuman--they say that, when they think I'm not listening. But I just feel like everyone else.
     
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  8. rhduke
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    rhduke Contributing Member Reviewer

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    Yeah maybe I should get rid of the dash altogether.

    Hmm I like that too.
     

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