1. Maniacal Writer
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    Maniacal Writer Member

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    An idea for a story

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Maniacal Writer, Dec 15, 2006.

    I am sorry if i posted this in the wrong place. I just joined today.

    Anyways, i have an idea for a story.

    Two children wake early, and open every single present under the Christmas tree before their parents awake. The last gift is wrapped in black paper, and they have no idea where it came from.

    The gift ends up transporting them into another world, where Santa is evil and has evil animal minions to help him spread chaos.

    Anyways, it's a work in progress, and I hope you woulid like to read it.
     
  2. Robert
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    Robert Banned

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    Welcome to the forums.

    It's difficult to assess an idea, everything will depend on how it's written. I would suggest you go ahead and write it, and post it here for feedback.

    Cheers,
    Rob
     
  3. Maniacal Writer
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    Maniacal Writer Member

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    It is a work in progress, so here we go.

    It was Christmas Eve, and the kids couldn’t sleep. They had been put to bed early, knowing that it was just a trick. Their parents had put them to bed, saying that the earlier they fell asleep was the earliest moment that Santa could come down the chimney.
    There was only a few problems with that theory. First off, they didn’t have a chimney, and second… well, why would Santa come when the parents were still awake?
    Even though Jared was eight and Ethan was a year younger, they were still smarter than they let their parents know. They had known, ever since they discovered their parents planting presents under the tree last Christmas Eve, that Santa didn’t exist. Even if he did, he didn’t live to fly around in a sleigh and dispense toys to wanting children.
    Even without that lucky clue from their parents, Jared would have guessed sooner or later. His class mates would tell him…or he could compare American gifts to other parts of the world. If there was really a Santa, why did only the wealthy families get treated well? Surely Santa wouldn’t ignore others just because they lived in another part of the country.
    The story said he traveled the world, and yet commercials for groups to help children in poor countries showed sad faces and toyless arms. There was no Santa. Anywhere.

    Now, standing at the head of the stairs, parents deep asleep, the youngsters wanted revenge for their parent’s lies. They didn’t want to harm anyone or anything, but they wanted revenge nonetheless. And a plan had formed within Ethan’s brain. Something so good that he had to share it with Jared.
    And tonight they would put that plan into action.
    Their small feet hardly made a sound as they climbed slowly down the stairs. Jared had reached the bottom step, halting at the sight of the presents. From atop the steps, they had seemed smaller. But up close…they just seemed huge. Especially in a child’s eyes. Mom and Dad had gone overboard this year. And because of that, Jared was having second thoughts.
    But Ethan wanted to fulfill his plan. After all, it was his idea, and Jared had seemed to like it a lot. He didn’t want it to fail. Everything needed to be perfect, then maybe…just maybe he wouldn’t be looked down upon as they little baby of the family. He would be looked at as the mastermind of the great plan.
    And as the mastermind, Ethan had assigned himself the position as the boss. He had full tactical command over his bigger brother, something that never happened before, and probably will never happen again. So, he pushed Jared out of the way, risking the punishment, and stepped down to stare at the presents.
    The air had an almost sweet taste as Ethan stood in front of the presents, in a power stance, like the many cartoon superheroes did after they claimed victory over the enemy. This was a small victory in itself. Just getting to the presents was an accomplishment, and one that Jared had doubted would be possible.
    Now the real challenge was beginning. It was time to fulfill the plan.

    Ethan walked closer to the presents and admired the sheer number of them. He beckoned Jared over. This would take a while, be very risky, and call for many trips back and forth. But he knew that nothing would stop them. Not after they had come this far. Nothing.
    So Ethan bent over an picked up two of the biggest gifts and handed them to Jared. After he had chosen two of his own, they made their way up to the room they shared. With the presents tucked safely under the beds, they returned for another load.
    Soon they devised a system that helped to quicken the pace a bit. Jared would wait halfway up the steps, and Ethan would deliver two presents, and Jared would take them to the room, making a sort of assembly line.
    Soon they had every present tucked safely under their beds. It was a surprise that it all fit under the beds. As Jared sat on his mattress, with a confused smile on his face, Ethan stood in the doorway, proud that he had gotten away clean, his plan a success.
    Jared looked to Ethan. “So what now? Do we open them?”
    Ethan hadn’t thought that far ahead. He was also amazed that Jared had asked him what to do. “I’m not sure. It’s kind of a waste to let them just sit there, right?”
    “Yeah,” said Jared.
    “So?” Ethan liked it when Jared was confused.
    “So…We open them!”
    “Exactly.” Ethan was now grinning the widest he had ever grinned. He was in power, at least for now.
    So they pulled out all of the presents and opened them, not caring who hey belonged to. They just tore into the wrapping, quietly of course, and shoved the ripped paper under the beds, along with the gifts that didn’t belong to them, and the crappy clothes parents insisted on giving them every year.

    When they had opened everything but the last present, they sat staring at their presents. They had gotten many things ranging from a new video game console to books to clothes. They wanted to risk digging into the game console, but they knew it would wake their parents.
    So they stared at the last present, which was wrapped with black paper, tied with a blood red bow. The paper was wrinkled, as if it had been wrapped in a hurry, and it looked scratched, like something was trying to sneak a peak at its contents.
    The two boys reached for it at the same time, each wanting to open the last present. Jared pulled his hand back.
    “It was your idea, you open it.”
    Ethan raised his right eyebrow. “You sure?”
    “Go ahead.”
    So Ethan pulled the box toward him, without giving it a second thought. The paper felt rough to the touch, and seemed hard enough to withstand diamond studded scissors, but when Ethan dug his fingers into it, it ripped easily, as if he was the only one who could open it.
    The paper revealed a black box, made of metal. It looked like a safe, impenetrable to anything except the person with the key. And there was a key hole. But no key. But there was a card. Ethan opened it and read:

    Ethan.

    That was it. Nothing else. But that one word spoke volumes. It was written with handwriting he didn’t recognize. It wasn’t from his parents. It wasn’t from Jared, either.
    The card doubled as an envelope, and inside of the slightly concealed pocket was a key. A blood red ribbon allowed Ethan to pull the key out of the envelope, and Ethan examined it. The key looked like one of those giant, old fashioned keys, but a skull, with glaring purple eyes had been sculpted on its end.
    Ethan shoved the key into the lock and turned.
     
  4. Hellbent
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    Hellbent Senior Member

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    Yeah, that didn't really help. I mean the idea is a little out there, and it looks like you just scribbled out some thoughts. I will say that it's not the worst story ever...but it does need a lot of work. The one thing that I always stress in my writing is that it sounds poetic- if you feel really strongly about your story, let it be known. But this story kind of sounds like it's for kids. So...light it up with detail and you'll be good.

    Don't be afraid to ask some of our pros here. I'm not really a pro but I know what sounds good. I like to think I'm unmatched in style- I like to think.
     
  5. Maniacal Writer
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    Maniacal Writer Member

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    i thank you for your comment, and i have been told before that it sounds a bit generic, like "twas the night before christmas..."

    i'll work on that, but i've also been told that i've put too much detail into it...and, yes, i am somewhat of a newb at writing (only 16 here).

    i've only been writing for around a year, and i have improved alot. but i know for a fact that i can improve even more. And i hope to accomplish that with your help, "pro" authors.

    if you tell me what to improve on, what i can possibly change (maybe even tips on how i can do so) then i will most certainly try.

    don't be afraid to rip me apart. Forests grow healthier and quicker after being burnt down.
     
  6. WhispWillow
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    WhispWillow Contributing Member

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    The idea sounds pretty good to me.
    If you could make something big out of it, I would be happy to read:)

    "don't be afraid to rip me apart. Forests grow healthier and quicker after being burnt down."

    Nice:cool:
     
  7. Aurorah
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    Aurorah Member

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    It sounds like a good idea in theory. You could greatly expand on what you've already written! ;-)
     
  8. Maniacal Writer
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    Maniacal Writer Member

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    i'll post the rest of what i have sometime soon
     
  9. Jack The Ripper
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    Jack The Ripper Banned

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    Id suggest that you expand on what you've written but otherwise its ok well to me it seems ok.
     
  10. newguy
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    newguy Contributing Member

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    This story is good
    would make for a nice childrens book...
     

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