1. Chinspinner
    Offline

    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    1,019
    Location:
    London, now Auckland

    Annoying sentence that is stopping me progressing.

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Chinspinner, Feb 4, 2015.

    For a moment she considered pretending she had not heard that.

    Can someone reword this for me so it doesn't read like crap? It is said immediately after hearing something someone did not want to hear.
     
  2. Void
    Offline

    Void Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2014
    Messages:
    303
    Likes Received:
    229
    Perhaps remove the For a moment part, since it seems redundant. It kind of depends on what happens afterward. If she addresses this point that she didn't want to hear then you could possibly reword it.

    She considered pretending she had not heard that, but decided against it.
    She considered pretending she had not heard that, but decided she could not let it slide.


    Or something along those lines.

    Edit:
    I might also add, that if you want to keep more in spirit of the original sentence, then you could simply say.

    She considered pretending she had not heard that.
    or
    She considered pretending to have not heard that.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2015
    Chinspinner likes this.
  3. Chinspinner
    Offline

    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    1,019
    Location:
    London, now Auckland
    I think the problem is that it just reads like shit, I mean you trip over every word.
     
  4. shadowwalker
    Offline

    shadowwalker Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2011
    Messages:
    3,299
    Likes Received:
    851
    Maybe "Should she pretend not to have heard?"
     
    Chinspinner likes this.
  5. Selbbin
    Offline

    Selbbin I hate you Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2012
    Messages:
    3,247
    Likes Received:
    1,811
    Location:
    Australia
    the problem is she had not heard that.

    What is that and, if it's dialogue (as I assume) who said it?

    Blah Blah Blah, he said.

    For a moment she thought about pretending not to hear. Instead, she turned around and growled, that's the worst pretend dialogue I've ever read!

    Although thought about is still clunky.
     
    Chinspinner likes this.
  6. Chinspinner
    Offline

    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    1,019
    Location:
    London, now Auckland
    That works and gets rid of all that filtering.
     
  7. Gawler
    Offline

    Gawler Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2014
    Messages:
    294
    Likes Received:
    144
    Location:
    Australia via Hawaii via Australia via England
    She feigned ignorance of the comment but decided she could not let it pass without comment.
     
    matwoolf likes this.
  8. Shadowfax
    Offline

    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,529
    Likes Received:
    1,356
    ?
     
  9. Gawler
    Offline

    Gawler Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2014
    Messages:
    294
    Likes Received:
    144
    Location:
    Australia via Hawaii via Australia via England
    That works or. She feigned ignorance of the comment but decided she could not let it pass without an answer.
     
  10. RachHP
    Offline

    RachHP Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2015
    Messages:
    262
    Likes Received:
    158
    Location:
    England
    For a moment, she was tempted to pretend she hadn't heard...

    I use commas like they're going out of style, but that makes it read better to me.
     
    Triad Editing likes this.
  11. kfmiller
    Offline

    kfmiller Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2015
    Messages:
    187
    Likes Received:
    108
    Location:
    Cincinnati, OH
    It was tempting to pretend she hadn't heard (or heard what x character said), but xxxxxx.

    She could pretend not to hear what X said, or she could punch him in the face. She chose the latter.

    Semi- kidding about the second one.
     
  12. GingerCoffee
    Offline

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    17,605
    Likes Received:
    5,879
    Location:
    Ralph's side of the island.
    For a moment she considered pretending she had not heard that.

    I need a bit of backstory.

    Does she wish she didn't know because she wished whatever it was wasn't true?

    Or does she wish she hadn't heard it because it means she has to make a decision or act in some way on the information, pretending not to know gave her an excuse not to do something?

    Either way, you don't need "for a moment" because that is inherent in 'considered'.
     
  13. Chinspinner
    Offline

    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    1,019
    Location:
    London, now Auckland
    “Shin?” she said to the silent interior of the room. There was no response. She lifted the chain over her head and let it drop around her neck. She scooped the metal trinket up to her mouth. “Shin, did you turn-off whatever listening device was in this thing?”

    There was no reply.

    “Computer?”

    A light ignited on the small metal box affixed to the ceiling above the doorway. Yes?

    “Where is Shin?”

    I don’t know. There was a pause. Your father was asking after you earlier.

    INSERT LINE HERE.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2015
  14. aikoaiko
    Offline

    aikoaiko Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2013
    Messages:
    285
    Likes Received:
    153
    Get rid of, 'She became still' and just say, 'She thought about pretending she hadn't heard that'.

    That's American English though. It might throw things off:(.
     
  15. GingerCoffee
    Offline

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    17,605
    Likes Received:
    5,879
    Location:
    Ralph's side of the island.
    My 2 cents:

    "I don’t know. There was a pause. Your father was asking after you earlier.

    She became still. She considered pretending she had not heard that."
     
  16. Chinspinner
    Offline

    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    1,019
    Location:
    London, now Auckland
    How about: -

    Her father. Perhaps she could pretend not to have heard.
     
  17. GingerCoffee
    Offline

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    17,605
    Likes Received:
    5,879
    Location:
    Ralph's side of the island.
    Her father? She could pretend not to have heard.

    Or, depending on the right emotion:

    Her father! She could pretend not to have heard.
     
    Chinspinner likes this.
  18. Chinspinner
    Offline

    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    1,019
    Location:
    London, now Auckland
    Perfect. Except without the !- I have a strong aversion to them.
     
  19. GingerCoffee
    Offline

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    17,605
    Likes Received:
    5,879
    Location:
    Ralph's side of the island.
    You don't need the ? or the !, those are optional depending on how you imagine this character reacting.
     
  20. KenA
    Offline

    KenA Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2015
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Lynnwood, WA
    I do not see enough here to provide an idea for rewriting the sentence.
    My question is, What is that? A rifle shot, a window breaking in the other room, An insult directed at her. Maybe overhearing two others talking about her or someone she knows.
    Then what action after that moment? Maybe with this information a better description of why she hesitated will give you a handle on how to word that sentence.
     
  21. GingerCoffee
    Offline

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    17,605
    Likes Received:
    5,879
    Location:
    Ralph's side of the island.
    Hi @KenA, welcome to the forum. Your questions are answered further down the thread in post #13.
     
  22. DaveOlden
    Offline

    DaveOlden Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2015
    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    34
    She tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore it.
     
  23. Catrin Lewis
    Offline

    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    1,685
    Likes Received:
    1,080
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Maybe . . .

    She froze. Could she pretend she hadn't heard that?
     
  24. HelloImRex
    Offline

    HelloImRex Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2014
    Messages:
    267
    Likes Received:
    172
    She thought of playing the deaf card and disregarding what had been said but decided it was pointless.
     
  25. jannert
    Offline

    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    7,821
    Likes Received:
    7,346
    Location:
    Scotland
    @Chinspinner - Could you give us some context? It's hard to advise when we don't know your writing style. Maybe a few lines that come immediately before and after this one? My own inclination would be to de-formalise, but if your style is formal, then my suggested changes would be useless.

    Just going by what's here, I'd suggest making it clear what she wanted to pretend not to have heard.

    She considered pretending she hadn't heard those words.

    For a moment she wanted to pretend she hadn't heard the explosion.

    For a moment she considered ignoring that order.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2015

Share This Page