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  1. oTTo
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    oTTo Member

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    Do you want to know more?

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by oTTo, Dec 12, 2015.

    Below is 240 words or so. This is a space opera that I am developing out. Does this draw you at all? Are there questions yet? Is it bare enough? Is it too loaded? What of the computer's use of capitalization when "speaking"? I love feedback!


    Far from the star of a faraway system, a dark hulled freight hauler with the name Fate Found brazened in yellow and blue idled. Blinking lights lined the antennae array and the bright flood lamp of the docking port flickered. The vessel, in rescue mode, consumed less power while it waited for any passing vessel.

    Inside the Fate Found the corridors littered with floating debris. Orange warning lights danced on the bulkheads. The silence was broken by the occasional oxygen depletion alarm. The star shined through the bridge viewport. An empty mug bounced off the viewport, the contents of the mug blobbed nearby. A single flight seat was affixed to the floor in front of the viewport.

    Strapped in the seat, unconscious, was the pilot of the Fate Found. The straps kept his body from floating around with the debris. The panel in front of him was a dizzying arrangement of buttons and numbs and several screens.

    A red light blinked atop one of the screens. On the screen was printed out several lines of text.

    OXYGEN LEVELS IMMINENT.

    COMMUNICATIONS ARRAY MALFUNCTION.

    ENGINE START MALFUNCTION.

    ATMOSPHERIC CONTROL FAILURE.

    ESCAPE POD JETTISONED.

    CAPTAIN WITH VESSEL.

    APPREHEND URGENT.

    END TRANSMISSION.

    The ships on board computer had a limited power to draw from, it would not be able to overcome this challenge without the captain. However, the captain was unconscious and unable to interact with the computer to resolve this crisis.
     
  2. sprirj
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    sprirj Contributing Member

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    Not really, there is no plot here, just a scene description, and quite cliched too. I think you need to give more.
     
  3. halisme
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    halisme Contributing Member Contributor

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    There's no character's to attach onto. Nothing to feel. I know nothing about the pilot that'd make me sympathies with them. For all I know he could be working for the antagonists.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2015
  4. oTTo
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    oTTo Member

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    Oh yea?
     
  5. Ippo
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    The scene itself could be interesting if there was some value attached to it. So far it is only a description of things. Your current first scene is floating around aimlessly like a spaceship without a conscious captain. Therefore, no matter how beautiful the ship, if nothing important happens it will just be there serving no purpose at all.
     
  6. oTTo
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    oTTo Member

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    Not sure I should exactly post this whole part here, but the follow up is this:

    Six weeks ago. Trojan Camp, Sol System.

    Trojan Camp, an asteroid converted into a space habitat and home to several million residents. The hollowed out inside had been sealed, pressurized, and made to look like a city and farmlands. Gravity was conditioned via orbiting around a central point. The habitat had several dozen levels, towards the core and around the docking corridors were merchants and banking centers. The lower levels, found closer to the surface of the asteroid, are the docking bays, engineering levels, and the crew of these areas. Corruption and scandalous behavior is rampant throughout the lower levels, which suffers of a weakened moral compass.

    In a dive bar, built out of an unused storage hangar, was set up for use by an organization with a greater sphere of influence. Arturo DaGathuro was cooly sitting in a booth in the corner, dimly lit, with a small glass of amber liquor. Several well dressed and armed men stood around the bar staring at him, two more at the entrance looking in either direction. Their eyes hidden behind sun glasses.

    Arturo sat waiting for his host to arrive. His host being the honorable Victor Somme. He was better dressed than his cohorts. He took his seat across from Arturo his back to his men and the entrance.

    “Identify yourself,” he said bluntly, an obvious annoyance in his gruff voice.

    “Captain Arturo DaGathuro,” he replied.

    “Captain of what?” Victor Somme asked.

    Arturo said, “Captain of the Fate Found, system hauler,” speaking of his interplanetary capable freight carrier.

    “You are a Somme brother?” he questioned Arturo. When arriving, Arturo identified himself as such, causing the protocol.

    “I can’t exactly say I am a brother, but I want to work on that,” he said as honestly as he could. Victor raised his eyebrow at the freighter captain.

    “So you come here, claiming to be a Somme brother, but not really. You probably know what happens to you for even mentioning the name, right?” Victor inquired, his voice giving Arturo the understanding to clear himself up.

    Arturo said, "Let me start from the beginning," sipping from his glass before starting.
     
  7. Ippo
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    Ippo Member

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    I like this one but I think you should be posting that in the novel section. Either way keep on writing and posting stuff to this forum I actually enjoyed reading your story
     
  8. oTTo
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    oTTo Member

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    Yea, I just wanted to see if the first paragraph got questions going. It got the ones I sought. Is he working for the antagonists? What's up with the floating in space? It gets to that. Before I posted to the Novel section I wanted to get some input.

    Plot wise, to keep on topic of the sub-forum, is surrounding multiple antagonists. The idea is to be guessing who the MC is really working with, for, to what aims. The supporting characters have motives, real development, but I want to angle it towards a theme of real world issues reflecting in the future, similar tones to what we have now but changed looks. I am trying to not use cryogenic sleep or stuff like that to move the story a long faster, so cutting through time seems to work better to get the plot shown.
     
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  9. Ippo
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    Ippo Member

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    That's real ambitious, dude, can't wait to read more
     
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  10. oTTo
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    oTTo Member

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    Posted
     

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