1. Safety Turtle
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    Safety Turtle Senior Member

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    Does this description make sense?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Safety Turtle, Sep 18, 2016.

    I'm not sure why, but something in this following sentence, describing cars of my MC's looks doesn't sit well with me, it feels a bit awkward but I don't know if it's just me.

    "His hair and beard was thick, unkept and greasy and even though he was merely at the end of his thirties, had begun to go grey, the same colour as his eyes which, although healthy, had no spark left in them."

    Does it make sense?
    It may very well just be my constant insecurity with my writing that's pressing the issue ^^
     
  2. OurJud
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    OurJud Contributing Member Contributor

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    "His hair and beard was were thick, unkept unkempt and greasy, and even though he was merely only at the end of in his late his thirties, both had begun were starting to go grey - the same colour as his eyes which although healthy, had no spark left in them lost their spark."

    Just my take on it.
     
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  3. Sal Boxford
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    Sal Boxford Active Member

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    I think it makes sense, but you can probably improve it.

    If you're going to talk about "his hair and beard" you should probably say they "were thick". And I thought "unkept" was wrong, but apparently it is a word but one that's used to describe buildings. For a person, the word you want is "unkempt". "Though he was merely at the end of his thirties" sounds a bit awkward. Maybe "though he wasn't out of his thirties"? "although healthy, had no spark left in them" is a bit odd too. What do 'healthy but sparkless' eyes look like? Maybe drop talk about them being healthy?

    Just suggestions... you might not agree!
     
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  4. izzybot
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    izzybot Human Disaster Contributor

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    It makes sense, but the punctuation/pacing is bit off. Really, I think it needs to be two sentences - there's a lot of phrases in there and you could rearrange it to keep it as one, probably, but it'd be a rather overloaded sentence.

    Suggestion:
     
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  5. Safety Turtle
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    Safety Turtle Senior Member

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    Thank you very much for your feedback, I'll take it all under consideration and change some things.

    Really appreciate it.
     
  6. matwoolf
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    matwoolf Contributing Member Contributor

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    If I read it in a Danish accent - your original is better/best. This is a most difficult problem:

    'His hair and beard was thick,' he said, 'unkept and greasy, and even though he was merely at the end of his thirties... had begun to go grey,' he said, 'the same colour as his eyes which, although healthy, had no spark left in them. No, oh no, oh no,' he said, and finally the villain's face dropped to the table, his litre of Carlsberg drained [to the last drop] etcetera etcetera.
     
  7. NoGoodNobu
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    NoGoodNobu Senior Member

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    "His hair and beard were thick, unkept and greasy; and, even though he was just at the end of his thirties, both had begun to grey--the same colour of his eyes that, though healthy, had no spark left."

    I'd still fiddle around with it if I were you, especially as I have a personal bias to towards particular diction I'd like to insert & replace your words with, which I struggled to keep myself from

    But it definitely needed cleaning up & organizing a bit, but I'm sure you'll manage to make it logical, flowing, and keep the style & tone you were clearly aiming for

    Best regards
     
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  8. Safety Turtle
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    Safety Turtle Senior Member

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    I can see I still have a lot to learn when writing in English.
    I really appreciate all your help and advice!
     
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  9. Nicola
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    Nicola Member

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    "His hair and beard were thick, unkempt and greasy and even though he was merely at the end of his thirties, had begun to go grey, the same colour as his eyes which, although healthy, had no spark left in them."

    It makes perfect sense yeah, but you could condense it...

    "Barely out of his thirties with prematurely greying hair, his eyes-once blazing with ambition-had now lost their spark(le)'
     
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  10. Safety Turtle
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    Safety Turtle Senior Member

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    I not really one for condensing ^^

    But it's an interesting variation I'll take into consideration for sure!
     
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