1. rincewind31
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    rincewind31 Member

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    Does this make sense

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by rincewind31, Mar 25, 2015.

    There are certain moments in life, when wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole, doesn’t quite seem enough. Sometimes you deserve to be chewed up and spat out several times, before you’re eventually swallowed
     
  2. Commandante Lemming
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    Commandante Lemming Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think it does
     
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  3. Steerpike
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    Steerpike Felis amatus Supporter Contributor

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    Yes. But I'd get rid of the commas in the first sentence.
     
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  4. rincewind31
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    rincewind31 Member

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    Thanks guys.
     
  5. bluehouse
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    bluehouse Member

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    Without context, that's a very good line IMO. The phrase "deserve to be chewed up and spat out" really resonated with me. As if a character's actions don't warrant an execution. They earn a slow, enduring torture, first.
     
  6. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'd lose ALL the commas.
     
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  7. Steerpike
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    Steerpike Felis amatus Supporter Contributor

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    @Shadowfax - I probably would as well, though I'd be willing to accept the last one if the author really wanted it there.
     
  8. rincewind31
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    rincewind31 Member

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    Thanks guys. I do tend to over comma so I have removed them, and it definitely improves things.
     
  9. MattyDean
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    When you're using commas, like I am right here, the bit squeezed between the commas can be omitted and the sentence would still work, syntactically.
    In other cases you're simply noting that there should be a break in cadence, a change of pace, or that ideas are linked without being a part of one fluid sentence. Only when you could, again, omit the words and retain meaning.
    If you're listing things like grammatical understanding, syntactical strength, fluidity in writing, smooth sounding sentences and other things, you also want commas. Your final comma in the list comes after the second to last thing being listed if there's a word to take its place. (Apples, oranges and pears-- or apples, oranges, pears-- the 'and' takes the place of punctuation, if not there you need the comma)

    None of your uses of commas were correct in those sentences. Not every time you find a dramatic pause in your head merits a comma, in fact, almost none of those cases are appropriate-- a dash or two works better.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2015
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  10. GingerCoffee
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    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    In addition to removing the three commas, I would get rid of "certain" and "eventually". It's stronger without them. :)

    There are certain moments in life when wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole doesn’t quite seem enough. Sometimes you deserve to be chewed up and spat out several times before you’re eventually swallowed
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2015
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  11. rincewind31
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    rincewind31 Member

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    Ha, thank you both. This is just the first draft to the sequel of the book in my sig, so hopefully I'll have mastered the comma a little bit more before I finish I get to the end. Was that comma right? lol

    Gingercoffee, yep I agree :)
     
  12. GingerCoffee
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    Yes, both were correct.
     

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