1. Drone
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    Drone New Member

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    Drone - Is the story compelling?

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by Drone, Feb 9, 2015.

    The following is what I have so far for a SciFi world and story I've been dreaming up for the last year or so called DRONE. My outline is guided by the theories of Joseph Campbell and the Monomyth, and inspired by movies and texts such as Transcendence, The Giver, The Holy Bible, and more. This would be the first installment of three stories.



    Is is compelling? Does it have holes?



    BACKGROUND

    TIGRANE BIOCHEM

    Tigrane BioChem was founded by two scientists who perfected and commercialized accelerated cell regeneration. This process led to advances in medicine that allowed the average person to live to 150 years, on average. Through tactful politics and business, Tigrane grew over three generations to become a world power. Countries no longer have militaries, governments or schools. Although Tigrane has never publically attempted to be a totalitarian government, they have, in time, rendered governments useless.


    THE ACADEMY

    Tigrane Academy is an international, invite-only private school that was started by Tigrane BioChem. Students are chosen based on a variety of mental and physical factors, but primarily because they have certain DNA attributes that are believed to give them a predisposition to being great leaders, engineers, scientists, architects, etc.

    The Academy adopts the attendees at birth and they never have contact with their birth parents. The families are compensated for their contribution to society. Attendees are raised at the Academy where they receive a vigorous education until they come of age, at which point the Academy chooses whether to admit them into the military training, or send them home to their families. If entered into the Military Academy, they continue training for as long as necessary to complete specific requirements. No two people graduate on one day, so the Academy produces exactly 364-5 graduates per year.


    THE SECTS

    The Sects are a large faction of people who disagree with Tigrane’s control of the world. It was started by an unknown graduate of the Tigrane Academy that disagreed with The Father about the future of the company as a world leader. The Sects, using the Tigrane mind control technology constantly use civilians to attack Tigrane worldwide, and are Tigrane’s reason to have a standing military defense. Tigrane stops dozens of attacks every year, but cannot stop them all.


    THE STORY​


    THE ORDINARY WORLD

    Four Academy graduates (Evelyn, Alexander, Eadmund, and Percival) work for a company called Yamasaki Visionary Industries under contract to Tigrane. They are leading the R&D of a sentient computer dubbed The Collective. Tigrane has already mastered control of the human mind in its biological state (used primarily to control people who have committed crimes such as murder and rape, forcing them to work jobs such as trash collection, public beautification, etc. Also used to train athletes and military members for specific physical and mental exercises). Tigrane hopes to replace what world governments and industries still remain with one sentient computer that will control everything and stop factions like the Sects from forming.


    THE CALL TO ADVENTURE

    The Father, a nameless figure who is the Headmaster of the Tigrane Academy, grows impatient with YVI’s progress on the Collective and puts pressure on YVI to produce results. Evelyn, overly confident with her work and wanting to impress The Father, attempts to upload her consciousness to the Collective. The material used to house the sentient computer fails, Evelyn dies in the subsequent fire, and most of the building is obliterated. Although severely injured, the brothers and a paranoid engineer by the name of Herman survive the explosion because they were standing in the courtyard under the protection of a water feature.


    REFUSAL OF THE CALL

    The Father attempts to coax Eadmund into repairing what he believes is a failed upload of Evelyn’s consciousness in hopes that a sentient computer can be made. Eadmund admits to himself that Evelyn is dead, and that the upload of her is just a corrupt shadow of who she was. He refuses to work on repairing her, and asks to be assigned to teach at Tigrane Academy. Father agrees, but warns Eadmund that there are consequences for defying him.


    MEETING WITH THE MENTOR

    Eadmund begins to receive various messages via the private intranet at Tigrane Academy warning him of a coming threat. He begins to think he has lost his mind, and decides to confide in his brothers. When he reaches out to them via the intranet, he is attacked by several mind controlled cleaning personnel at the Academy. A military test drone intervenes and kills the cleaning crew. The test drone warns Eadmund to run, and he does. Guided out of the compound by the test drone, Eadmund is attacked by several more cleaning crews before he finally makes it to a large balcony. The test drone embraces Eadmund and they are flown away by a UAV.

    Eadmund wakes up in an all glass room with a white floor and solidly lit ceiling inside a former Tigrane organ production plant. Several medical robotic arms hover over him. He finally gains the strength to rise, and Evelyn reveals herself via the facility’s control panel. She tells him that she was controlling the test drone and apologizes that she could not prevent his injuries. She explains that The Father was behind everything, and that he made it appear to be an attack from the Sects. Because Evelyn tried to reach out from her captivity at Tigrane HQ and tell the brothers of her existence and The Father’s plans, he is attempting to kill the three of them and silence her. Eadmund asks what the plan is, but Evelyn tells him that they must act now to save the brothers, and when they are all together, she will tell them.


    CROSSING THE THRESHOLD

    Evelyn guides Eadmund through piloting a drone remotely and together they defend another YVI R&D facility that the two brothers work at. The Father, aware of Evelyn’s contact with Eadmund, sends an army of armed civilians under mind control to get past Evelyn and Eadmund to kill the brothers. Evelyn’s connection is cut and without her backup, Eadmund’s drone is destroyed. Eadmund believes the mission to be a failure, and his brothers to be dead.

    After a few tense minutes, Evelyn finally regains contact with the control panel at the organ production plant, but can do nothing more than show Eadmund a video feed of the YVI facility. Eadmund witnesses an army of mind controlled Sects approaching the facility, and watches as they mow down The Father’s forces and capture the brothers for themselves.



    TESTS, ALLIES, AND ENEMIES

    The Sects arrive at the organ production plant and Eadmund fears the worst. One of the Sect leaders, flanked by several armed Sects with Alexander and Percival in tow, waltzes right into the plant and straight to the room Eadmund is in. They kick down the door, and Eadmund stands there unarmed and helpless.

    The leader explains that the rescue of the brothers is one of two favors the Sects will do for them in hopes that they will ally with the Sects to take down Tigrane. The second favor is a file containing intel on where Evelyn is and how the brothers can get to her and upload her consciousness via satellite to the entire internet. With access to the internet, Evelyn will be able to calculate how to take down Tigrane. The Sect leader warns that their mission is to rid the world of all technology, which begins with Tigrane and must end with Evelyn. After some argument, Eadmund agrees in order to get the files on Evelyn, but plans to double cross the Sects when he can.


    THE APPROACH

    The brothers conclude that they will invade Tigrane HQ and attempt to retrieve Evelyn, but they need help. Herman, the other survivor of the explosion, is recruited to help them build drones capable of infiltrating the compound. Using YVI resources and occasional contact with Evelyn, they build three drones and put together a battle plan. The last transmission they receive from Evelyn before the invasion is “Hurry”.


    THE ORDEAL

    The brothers infiltrate Tigrane HQ to retrieve Evelyn, but are horribly injured in the process. The only choice Herman has in saving them is to allow Evelyn to upload their consciousness to three other sentient computers.


    THE REWARD/THE RESURRECTION

    Evelyn and Herman successfully upload the brothers to new drone bodies, very much like the original design. Eadmund, Alexander, and Percival wake up to themselves in completely digital bodies made of an element that Evelyn created. They are indestructible, and so long as they have occasional access to sunlight to recharge, they can never die.


    THE ROAD BACK

    The brothers attack all of the Tigrane compounds that control the lower 20% of the world’s population that are now in a civil war and slowly stop everyone from killing themselves.

    The Sects, furious with the brothers’ upload into sentient life, publically vow to kill all of the Collectives. They are under a constant barrage of attacks via controlled civilians and are searching for a way to find the leader and stop the loss of life because of the Sects.

    Out of fear that the Sects will carry out their promise and destroy the internet that supports Evelyn, the brothers and Herman band together to build Evelyn a drone body. At first, she refuses to download herself to it. She tells the brothers that she believes that The Father had control over her mind the night she attempted to upload herself because she doesn’t remember doing it. She refuses to become what The Father so desperately wanted her to become.

    The brothers beg, but as they are persuading Evelyn, the building they are in goes dark and their energy shields are engaged. The Sects, in an attempt to take out the Collectives, EMP’d the building they are in. It instantly destroys Evelyn’s mainframe. The brothers are fired upon by hundreds of civilians and drones. Herman dies in the attack, but the brothers kill all of the Sects and escape.

    The brothers escape their safe haven without harm, and promptly realize that the entire world has been effected by the substance that enables Tigrane mind control.


    RETURN WITH THE ELIXIR

    The Collectives find out that the unknown leader of the Sects is meeting with The Father to discuss an alliance to kill them. It is the perfect opportunity to take out both of them and return the world to peace.

    When the brothers arrive at the meeting place, Eadmund insists that they wait quietly and listen to the meeting unfold. The leader of the Sects is The Father’s twin brother. The Father believed that the next level of human evolution was sentient life, while the Sect leader believed that life should remain biological. The twins argue, and The Father says that he will not ally with the Sect leader because he has already achieved his mission, and the brothers are the next level in human evolution. They can travel to the far reaches of space because they can never die, and feed off of light. They are capable of creating and modifying new life forms, and learning everything about the universe.

    Evelyn is revealed to have released the mind control agent on a global scale, which is why she refused to download her consciousness to the Drone body that the brothers built for her. Although the planet has been all but destroyed, and soon will not be fit to sustain biological life, the brothers will survive, and with the DNA data stored in all of us, so will the species.

    The brothers grow tired of the endless argument and enter the room. Alexander and Percival kill the Sect leader and Eadmund grabs The Father up by the collar, and The Father still smiles. He says, “There is no reason to kill me, my sons. I haven’t been a threat to you in a long while. You have achieved my mission in a way that I never could have achieved myself. You see, I am exactly what I am trying to rid the world of. I am fertile. The only child I ever had, your sister Evelyn, was born through science and technology, not biology. Although I forced her hand, or shall I say brain, in the beginning, she has made me so proud in these final days. My sons, I am not worthy to live because I am incapable of reproducing life. Now that you exist, none of us are worthy. That is why everyone, including me,” He picks up a syringe and injects himself, “must be disposed of.” Father grows quiet and walks from the room, now controlled by Tigrane AI.

    Eadmund collapses on the ground in horror. He fears that he was a puppet; no longer human. He turns to his brothers and says, “We have to find a way to repopulate the species. What we are is not human. What we are is empty.” The brothers stand there in thought, and finally nod in approval.
     
  2. stevesh
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    stevesh Banned Contributor

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    I've never quite understood why people start threads like this. You have the idea, so write the story then submit it (or parts thereof) to the appropriate forum when you qualify.
     
  3. Drone
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    Drone New Member

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    That was awfully inviting...
     
  4. Komposten
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    Komposten Insanitary pile of rotten fruit Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Every story can be good, but whether it is depends on the writing and execution. If this is the story you want to write, then go write it. Don't care about whether other people will read it or not, the important thing is if you would read it.
     
  5. Gawler
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    Gawler Contributing Member

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    As Komposten alludes. A concept may be brilliant but it is the execution that makes the story compelling. Until you actually write it, no one can answer the question.
     
  6. Chinspinner
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    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

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    To echo others, the idea is the easy part, the execution is what matters. But it seems like an interesting idea.
     
  7. Drone
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    Drone New Member

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    I appreciate the responses. I know that you don't know until you write it, and writing a novel is not an easy task. I guess I'll have to just put my nose to the grindstone for the next few years and do it.
     
  8. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    I took one look at this wall of text (2099 words for chrissake!), and thought "That's just a summary?"

    To echo the others, go write, and good luck.

    Incidentally, you're talking about "nose to the grindstone for the next few years and do it" - and this is part one of three? - so you're talking about a monumental undertaking, around the scale of Game of Thrones, and all without knowing whether you can get it published? If this is going to be your hobby/obsession/something you just have to do, that's great. If you really do equate it to the hard work that "nose to the grindstone" implies, then go take up railway modelling, because the odds are that you won't get the financial rewards that George Martin got.
     
  9. stevesh
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    stevesh Banned Contributor

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    It wasn't intended to be inviting (welcome, though). It was intended to point out that, by posting a two-thousand-word précis of your story and inviting comments, you're trying to do an end run around the forum rules about posting work for critique, or (more likely) didn't have the courtesy to read the rules before you created your account.

    Cooperative sites like this one only work when everyone follows the forum policies. It isn't all about you.
     
  10. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    Welcome to the forums, Drone. You're better off posting a piece of the story for feedback as it's hard to say what it is right now except a concept. It was also hard to get through to find areas where a plot hole might be lurking. I have a hard enough time making it through my own dry notes on a story let alone ( no offense ) some one elses.

    If you have a specific area you think you might have problems with maybe ask about that. It will be shorter and easier to answer and probably of more value to you - Like character motivation or scientific terms or side plots or something.

    To be honest I can never tell by someone's idea whether or not it will be compelling and even if I did or didn't find it compelling, I might not be your target audience, therefore my opinion might not be worth a damn.

    If you're looking for encouragement - start writing. You got enough here for a trilogy. You're obviously dedicated to the project so write, while your still excited about it.
     
  11. Uberwatch
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    Uberwatch Active Member

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    Don't mean to be a bit rude but I think it's best if you not post an entire story concept on the forums. A few tid-bits are fine, but you should always suspect the anonymous visitors on this site looking to steal story ideas.
     
  12. Drone
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    Drone New Member

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    @stevesh | I do appreciate your candor. I didn't realize I was breaking a rule. Obviously, I'm a newby to both writing and forums.
    @Shadowfax | I do expect this to take years, but I by no means intend to bet my livelihood on a story idea. Especially when I have such a promising career in Architecture.
    @peachalulu | I guess I was/am just looking for a bit of encouragement. lol
    @Uberwatch | Is there a way to edit/delete the OP of a thread? I realized after I posted it that it may be a bit overwhelming and/or too revealing.
     
  13. Komposten
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    Komposten Insanitary pile of rotten fruit Staff Supporter Contributor

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    You can edit a post by pressing "edit" below it to the right (or left, I can't remember). Don't remove everything in it, though, or at least replace it with a comment why you removed the text (in case someone else finds the thread, it's good if they can see what the thread was about).

    Also, I don't think the OP was a clear rule break since the moderators haven't closed the thread/said anything. But just to be safe for the future you might want to read the rules (or the New Member Guide), links can be found at the top of the page.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2015
  14. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    Ideas are ten-a-penny. It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it.
     
  15. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    The problem is, story ideas are like baby pictures. Very few people would actually be interested in flicking through the entire album and inspecting every photo. You need to learn to summarise your ideas!!!

    However, I like the title Drone, and it reminded me of the Japanese cult classic Ghost in the Shell just from the title :D
     
  16. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Too late! I already have it copied and pasted into my journal. The good news is it's an absolutely AWESOME idea. The bad news is I've already started writing chapter one of it.



    And I am a very fast writer.
     
  17. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    You're evil! :rofl: Poor guy's new here - don't scare him like that!
     
    obsidian_cicatrix likes this.
  18. Drone
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    Drone New Member

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    There's only Report, Quote, and reply. No Edit on the OP, just on every other post I've made.

    I don't mind inspiring somebody with my idea, but if you straight up steal it (which I know you're joking :p Have no fear!) I have a family of lawyers to take care of it, and years of Intelligence experience to find out who you are. ;-) Albeit posting the whole thing was pretty stupid... Thanks again for all the advice so far!
     
  19. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think that you have to put in 20 posts to get editing rights.
     
  20. Chinspinner
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    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

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    Seriously, ideas are ten-a-penny, and people tend to like their own ideas best. I wouldn't worry about it.
     

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