1. AspiringNovelist
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    Fifty shades of beige

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by AspiringNovelist, Jul 24, 2015.

    I'm sure you're familiar with (or at least have heard of) Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James. If not, it's a BDSM novel written in a romantic memoir style.

    Here is a parody of that novel that I found amusing: This book is entitled, Fifty Shades of Beige...

    Blurbs...

    "...reminiscent of the Sahara." - New York Times

    "...a sand storm of passion." - Eddie Bauer

    "...off the wall in off-white..."- Parochial Uniform Supply

    Fifty Shades of Beige...

    Chapter 1:

    He was nude.

    No.

    Not like he was naked.

    He was wearing the color nude. All over his body. The rich creamy hue covered every inch of his clothing.

    It was hard to tell where the fabric ended and the skin began.

    He slowly took his fawn overcoat off the reveal his stiff beige Oxford shirt. His matching tan tie, now fully exposed, lay flush against him.

    The rolls of his fat bulged through the cloth like humps of a wheezing camel.

    And...

    As she was about to climb aboard him...

    He said..."No."

    "No, you get on bottom."

    "Let me be on...taupe."

    The legs of his trousers conjured up a graphic image of two steamy crusts of an Italian Quiznos sub. Covered with?

    What kind of mustard?

    Spicy brown.

    Mmm...Toasty.

    -------------------

    My additions (feel free to add your own)...

    Deep in chapter 2 :

    As he moved his bishop from white to...halfway between white and black, he locked eyes with hers. Teasingly, he said, "I'm almost...off-white".

    Her heart all but stuttered...

    "Should I?," he questioned somewhat inquisitively.

    "Will you?," she asked in a very neutral tone.


    Deep in chapter 6:
    Pure frustration, brought about by a basic need...for color. She ripped open his shirt. Beige buttons, snapped, de-threaded, and in an instant, flew through the air where they bounced off the egg-white walls...

    She, finally, saw his bare chest and gasped. "My God!"

    "Only if you God enjoys ... beige." He replied.

    --------------------------------
     

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