1. lameri
    Offline

    lameri Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2011
    Messages:
    153
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SF Bay Area

    Five sentences I don't quite like

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by lameri, May 6, 2011.

    Hi guys,

    Would you please let me know if any (or all!) of these sentences sound awkward? My thoughts/explanations follow in parentheses.
    ! - The stretch Madrid-Irún went by quickly. (referring to the first leg of a train trip)
    2- Laura thought about it twice and if Anna was going to support him, she wouldn’t be less. (Laura always wanted to be a better friend than Anna to him, so she would want to match Anna in everything)
    3- After a few comings and goings, she agreed. (I mean that there was a negotiation back and forth between the two parts for a few minutes, and then she agreed)
    4- He had roasted a rack of lamb and potatoes. (is it clear that the potatoes are roasted too?)
    5- She repeated once and again that I should have hope, that we didn't know the outcome yet, so I should hold on to be sad. (she meant I should wait and be sad only after I know for sure the outcome).

    Thank you so much!
     
  2. JimFlagg
    Offline

    JimFlagg Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2011
    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    6
    "2- Laura thought about it twice and if Anna was going to support him, she wouldn’t be less."

    Laura thought about and if Anna was going to support him, she would do no less.
    Laura thought about and if Anna was going to support him, she was not about to be out done.


    "3 - After a few comings and goings, she agreed. "

    After a hemming and hawing, she agreed.
    After a lengthy debate, she agreed.
    After some haggling, she agreed.


    "4- He had roasted a rack of lamb and potatoes. "

    He had roasted a rack of lamb along side of some potatoes.

    "5- She repeated once and again that I should have hope, that we didn't know the outcome yet, so I should hold on to be sad."

    She repeated once and for all that, "I should have hope; that we didn't know the outcome yet; so hold on and not to be sad."

    I think this should be dialog not sure of the context.
     
  3. Tesoro
    Offline

    Tesoro Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2011
    Messages:
    2,825
    Likes Received:
    290
    Location:
    A place with no future
    That sentence probably should be rewritten (if you want to make a dialogue of it) because just putting quotation marks around it doesn't turn it into dialogue. (hope I didn't get your intention wrong here) the pronouns are wrong in this case.

    I'm sorry but I don't think I can be of much help in spotting eventual errors in these phrases since english is not my first language. Though I do agree on putting 'some' or other measurment before the potatoes in the previous example.
     
  4. Leonardo Pisano
    Offline

    Leonardo Pisano Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2011
    Messages:
    453
    Likes Received:
    13
    1-ok
    2- Laura thought about it twice and if Anna was going to support him, she would do the same. (why twice? Suggestion: "Laura gave it some ample thought, and if Anna was going to support him, ...)
    3-see JimFlagg
    4-ok
    5-She repeated that I should keep hope; after the outcome would be known, abundant time would be available to be sad.
     
  5. Omega14
    Offline

    Omega14 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2011
    Messages:
    89
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Great Dunmow, Essex, UK
    Just suggestions:

    1- The stretch between Madrid and Irún went by quickly.
    2- Laura thought about it twice and decided that, if Anna was going to support him, she would do no less.
    3- After a few moments of indecision, she agreed.
    4- He decided on a roast: rack of lamb with potatoes.
    5- She reiterated that I shouldn't get too downhearted until we were sure of the outcome.

    Rachel
     
  6. Leatherworth Featherfist
    Offline

    Leatherworth Featherfist Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2011
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    California
    4. He had roasted some potatoes and a rack of lamb.
    lol.. for some reason that sounds better to me, not much of a difference though.

    Or,

    4. He had roasted some potatoes and lamb.
    ??????????
     
  7. JimFlagg
    Offline

    JimFlagg Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2011
    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    6
    Ok, fine.

    Was:
    She repeated once and for all that, "I should have hope; that we didn't know the outcome yet; so hold on and not to be sad."

    Should be:
    "I am going to say this once and for all. You should have hope because we don't know the outcome yet. So hold on and do not be sad."
     
  8. popsicledeath
    Offline

    popsicledeath Banned

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2010
    Messages:
    1,037
    Likes Received:
    71
    The lamb and potatoes suggestions are cracking me up. Sometimes things don't need fixed. :p
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    wrong order makes this nonsensical... should be:

    The Madrid-Irun stretch went by quickly.

    'be' is the klinker here... change it to 'do' and it makes better sense... however, it could be unclear who 'she' refers to, so rewording to avoid any confusion would be best... such as:

    Laura thought about it again and decided that if Anna was going to support him, she would, too.

    'comings and goings' only relates to movement, not to conversation... so that's the problem here... try:

    After some debate, she agreed.
    or
    After debating the issue a bit, she agreed.

    yes, it is...

    'once and again' makes no sense and is doubly redundant after 'repeated'... neither does 'hold on to be sad'... and there are other serious probs with the whole thing... here's one way to fix this:

    She told me again that I should have hope, since we didn't know the outcome yet--so I should put off being sad.

    ...hope this helps... love and hugs, maia
     
  10. lameri
    Offline

    lameri Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2011
    Messages:
    153
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SF Bay Area
    Thanks so much for all your suggestions, very useful! I'm in the process of incorporating them and revise parts. The only one I still have a problem with is no. 4--if it's clear, I would like to leave it as is.
     
  11. Trish
    Offline

    Trish I've been deleted.. again Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2011
    Messages:
    1,986
    Likes Received:
    224
    Location:
    New York
    Number 4 is clear, yes. It's fine as is.
     
  12. Leatherworth Featherfist
    Offline

    Leatherworth Featherfist Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2011
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    California
    lol... The way you wrote it was fine from the start. My suggestions were interchangeable and quite trivial.
     
  13. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    yes, as i said, 'it is' clear!... so can be used as is... is that now clear enough? ;-)
     
  14. digitig
    Offline

    digitig Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2010
    Messages:
    2,502
    Likes Received:
    79
    Location:
    Orpington, Bromley, United Kingdom, United Kingdom
    The Madrid-Irún stretch went by quickly.
    Laura thought about it twice, and decided that if Anna was going to support him, she would support him even more. (tricky to make it clear whether she not supporting him less than Anna or less than she did before -- even my version is a bit ambiguous but I don't want to make it sound like a legal contract.)
    After some to and fro she agreed.
    Does it matter?
    She repeated over and over that I should have hope, that we didn't know the outcome yet, so I should't be sad yet.
     

Share This Page