1. bradlinho
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    bradlinho New Member

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    help with a tricky bit of grammer

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by bradlinho, Apr 8, 2009.

    Hi everyone.

    I have been scratching my head all evening for a solution to this one. I will post the small excerpt below, and hope that you understand what I am trying to achieve. I am just not sure of the correct grammatical approach. Please help!
    ........................

    The replica man's rifle, given to me just moments before I betrayed him. Sydney's SMG, built with her Father's skills, stolen from her bloody corpse. The Sheriff's hat.

    These are the constant reminder of my wrongdoings.

    ..........................

    Do you see what I mean? The first paragraph is so tricky. I've been staring at it for so long it just looks like shapes now. Maybe I just need to approach it from a different angle altogether.

    Please help!

    Also, for context, this is part of something I am writing as short, short stories. The first part is here.
     
  2. bradlinho
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    bradlinho New Member

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    Ok, this opening sentence is much better, grammatically speaking.
    ...........................

    The rifle given to me by the replica man, just moments before I betrayed him.
    ............................

    But the second sentence is the killer. LOL - I really have been staring at this too long!
     
  3. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    sorry, but none of those [other than the final stand-alone one] are sentences... they're all fragments... and fragments that make no sense, beginning a paragraph... try putting the real sentence first... that will at least make some sense of the fragments... but even then, you need something to end the paragraph with that will tie it all up neatly... and some simplification is also needed... here's a sample rewrite that would read better and make some sense:

    ...but what the heck is a 'replica man'?... that needs re-wording, unless it's referred to and explained earlier... hope this helps...

    love and hugs, maia



    also, neither 'father' nor 'sheriff' should be capitaliezed...
     
  4. bradlinho
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    bradlinho New Member

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    Yup, i came to the conclusion of coming at it from a completely different angle. I was too busy trying to make it work when it just wasn't going to.

    As for the replica man stuff, it's a reference that the audience of the piece would get... though it must sound ridiculous out of context.

    Thanks!!:)
     
  5. architectus
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    architectus Banned

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    Would this work?

    The constant reminder of my wrongdoings were, the rifle given to me by the replica man just moments before I betrayed him, Sydney’s SMG, built with her father’s skills and stolen from her bloody corpse, and the sheriff’s hat.
     

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