1. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    how to phrase this???

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Defender, Feb 15, 2016.

    im working on a timeline with the basic events of my history but cant get the wording to sound as good as
    http://www.halopedia.org/Unified_Earth_Government/http:/

    http://www.destinypedia.com/Destinypedia:Timeline
    to save you time, there is a sub section called pre golden age
    and there is another about the interplanetary war, now...i noticed there were similarities between my story, and theirs, so i decided to write my paragraphs to sound as profesional as the ones that have similar plots.
    i have the general idea of what happens, but cant phrase it, what is wrong with it!?
    here is a sample of the first "era"
    Pre- Age of Eden
    21st Century

    • The present day -As overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, a number of new political organizations are formed and tasked with attempting to avert the crises of the next century by solving governmental unification issues of colonizing non-Earth territories.
    • Fifty years after the subsequent formation of these organizations, terraformation is discovered.
    • The Genesis, the first human colony ship, is launched, laden with troops and terraforming gear to spearhead the colonization of the Moon.

    • The Age of Eden
    • Humans begin colonization of the Solar System, and the Age of Eden, a centuries-long era of widespread prosperity and technological advancements, begins.
      if you read briefly the paragraphs in the link you will see how i want to phrase it, but am having difficulty manifesting it on paper, now i'll admit, I've never been good at grammar and mechanics, so any help would be greatly appreciated!
     
  2. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    This feels like something that should be in the review room--you're looking for some pretty specific critique here.

    I would also urge you to use correct spelling, punctuation, and capitalization not only in your sample, but in the post itself. For example, your first sentence would be:

    "I'm working on a timeline with the basic events of my history but can't get the wording to sound as good as..."

    Some comments on the sample:

    Your first "present day" paragraph switches tense--"mounted" and then "are formed". You'll want to choose either past or present tense. I recommend past, but it's up to you.

    Your sentences are, IMO, unnecessarily long.

    I think that I would need a longer sample to offer anything more--and as I said, there's a good chance that it needs to be in the Review Room.
     
    King_Horror and Defender like this.
  3. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    OK I'll post a larger sample, by the way, what/where is the review room?
     
  4. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    okay here it is, as i said before, i want it to sound like the works i referenced in terms of wording style, but i suck at grammar, no matter how hard i try, i once got a 30% on an English mechanics test!



    Pre- Age of Eden
    21st Century

    • The present day -As overpopulation and unrest mount on Earth, a number of new political organizations are formed and tasked with attempting to avert the crises of the next century by solving governmental unification issues of colonizing non-Earth territories.
    • Fifty years after the subsequent formation of these organizations, terraformation is discovered.
    • The Genesis, the first human colony ship, is launched, laden with troops and terraforming gear to spearhead the colonization of the Moon.

    • The Age of Eden
    • Humans begin colonization of the Solar System, and the Age of Eden, a centuries-long era of widespread prosperity and technological advancements, begins.
    Early Age of Eden
    • During the initial exploration of the newly terraformed planets, ancient alien artifacts are discovered.

    • Researchers found the Ground Four outpost on Mars.
    • The city of Primus is founded on Venus with the support of the Ascendant. It becomes known as one of humanity's greatest cities.
    Late Age of Eden
    • Tensions between the colonies increase due to various planets struggling for control over the alien artifacts which have recently revealed new and valuable technologies.

    • Terrorist attacks lead to increased tension and aggression between the colonies eventually leading to the interplanetary war.
     
  5. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    Defender, this may sound mean, but I'm not going to respond to your posts unless the post itself (in this case, the part that starts with "okay here it is") is written as carefully as the sample. I requested this nicely in my previous post.

    Yes, this would take you a little more of your time. If showing the members of the forum the respect of addressing them with correct writing isn't worth your time, then surely answering your question isn't worth our time.
     
  6. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Oh, I am so sorry, please don't take this wrong, I changed the first error you stated, I thought the rest of the post was in present tense, as that is how I tried to write it. I will go back and check it again, I am so sorry, i am not trying to be lazy please pardon me!
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
  7. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Pre- Age of Eden
    21st Century
    • As overpopulation and unrest Mounted on Earth, a number of new political organizations were formed, and tasked with attempting to avert the crises of the next century by solving the governmental unification issues of colonizing non-Earth territories.
    • Fifty years after the subsequent formation of these organizations, terraformation was discovered.
    • The Genesis, the first human colony ship, was launched, laden with troops and terraforming gear to spearhead the colonization of the Moon.

    • The Age of Eden
    • Humans began colonization of the Solar System, and the Age of Eden, a centuries-long era of widespread prosperity and technological advancements, had begun.
    Early Age of Eden
    • During the initial exploration of the newly terraformed planets, ancient alien artifacts were discovered.
    • Researchers founded the Ground Four outpost on Mars.
    • The city of Primus was founded on Venus with the support of the Ascendant. It became known as one of humanity's greatest cities.
    Late Age of Eden
    • Tensions between the colonies increased due to various planets struggling for control over the alien artifacts which had recently revealed new and valuable technologies.
    • Terrorist attacks lead to increased tension and aggression between the colonies eventually leading to the interplanetary war.
    Is this better? I checked the punctuation and capitals...and I changed everything to the past tense, if it is still inadequate, I will revise again, and again, until i get it right, im sorry for wasting your time with sloppy work I should have checked the first post better, if this one is still wrong, I am not trying to be smart or sarcastic, or waist your time , I just really think I did it right, as I made the mistake of trying to learn grammar and spelling rather than practicing my language machanics
     
  8. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Okay, I have been working on this all night in an attempt to remedy the issues you stated.
    I hope this is better than my previous work, and again, I am sorry for the sloppy work.
    I should have put more effort into my sample, and my post.

    Pre- Age of Eden
    21st Century

    • The present day - As overpopulation and unrest mount on Earth, a new organization dedicated to scientific advancement is formed. A group of researchers headed by this organization, eventually develop terraforming technology,spurring the colonization of the Solar System. The Age of Eden, a centuries-long era of widespread prosperity and technological advancements begins.
    Early Age of Eden
    • During the initial exploration of Venus, a number of alien artifacts are discovered. Research outposts are established, and attract Earth's brightest minds, leading to a colonization rush on the planet. The researchers found a famed research center to research and study the alien relics.

    • The city of Freeport is founded on Venus with the support of the Ascendant. It becomes known as one of humanity's greatest cities.
    Late Age of Eden
    • Power struggles between the various colonies for control over the alien relics begin to grow, and eventually escalate into a series of violent conflicts, after researchers experimenting with the artifacts reveal startling new technologies, culminating in the Interplanetary Wars.
    Interplanetary War
    • The interplanetary colonies begin to vie for control over the newly discovered technology and power struggles shatter an already tenuous existence. The following conflicts known as the Interplanetary War, bring the interplanetary civilization to its knees.
    The Breach
    • In the aftermath of the Interplanetary War, scientists inadvertently open a portal to a place containing a robotic race. Who begin a campaign of destruction against human civilization.

    • Humans seeking refuge from the Perverted, retreat to Earth.

    • Mercury, Venus and Mars, are captured by the Perverted.
    This is a redone version of my previous timeline. For some reason however, it still doesn't sound like the other writings.
     
  9. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Hello again forum!
    I have another question, if I were to try to combine these three sentences : "As overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, a number of new political movements were formed, including the Koslovics and the Jovian Frieden movement.", "The Odyssey was the lead ship in the first line of interstellar human colony vessels. It was launched on January 1, 2362, laden with troops and terraforming gear to spearhead the colonization of a new world, Reach. The launching of the Odyssey sparked the first wave of human expansion beyond the confines of the Sol System, founding the first Inner Colonies outside Sol.", and " spurring the colonization of the Solar System. The Golden Age, a centuries-long era of widespread prosperity and technological miracles, begins.",
    what should i come out with that will embody the ideas of : overpopulation causing unrest, next, a scientific organization is established, and then terraformation is discovered, but, with all of the elaborate words used in the example sentences?

    P.S I am not trying to re-post the same question, I am trying to learn how only one of the bullet points would sound so then i can try and apply that to the rest of my work without wasting to much of your time.
     

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