1. Puppet121
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    Puppet121 Member

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    How to tighten this sentence

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Puppet121, Oct 11, 2008.

    I want to find a way to strengthen but shorten this sentence.

     
  2. Scarlett_156
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    Scarlett_156 Active Member

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    EDITORIAL COMMENTS: You need to organize your thoughts. I mean, yeah it's the internet and full of frivolous, meaningless bullsh1t, but on the other hand IT'S YOUR WRITING. Take some time with your writing. Don't expect for the internet to do your writing for you. (Duh.)

    One thing that possibly could even have the slightest impact (on what?) is a group of tactical elite assassin(s) that consists of 5 operatives: A sniper that could got(?) down a man at 3,000 yards, a man with the mindset of Jason Bourne (buh?), another who could walk in a room and immediately tell you if there was (should be "were") any skilled terrorists or undercover people AND how much of a threat the(y) were before you even notice he took a breathe (BREATH is a noun, BREATHE is a verb), one that make Bear Grylls look like a sissy (another WTF?), and last but not least, a man of unlimited wealth to run everything together.

    Anyway, moving on: Here's the sentence you asked for:

    The only thing that possibly could even have the slightest impact on ____ (whatever it is you're talking about) would be a group of tactical elite assassins. (Then go into some detail about the operatives--leaving out specific cultural references, unless you're writing for a select group only, i.e., people who already know what you're talking about.)

    I hope this was helpful, but I doubt that it will be. yours in Chaos, Scarlett
     
  3. Puppet121
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    Puppet121 Member

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    Wow... What was I even thinking? I must of been more tired than I thought :/ And I even feel sort of bad for letting people read that :/

    And about the first sentence: It was referring to a group that I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Thanks for the help anyway :]
     
  4. Ommonite
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    Ommonite Senior Member

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    That's two sentences.
     
  5. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    yup, 2!... not one...

    and both are done incorrectly in re punctuation and capitalization, among other things...

    i'd show you how to fix/improve them, but i don't help with writing that has any violent content...

    what i can say is that in the suggested correction, 'that possibly could even have the slightest...' is garbled grammar/scrambled syntax and should be 'that could possibly have even the...'
     
  6. ParanormalWriter
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    ParanormalWriter Contributing Member

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    I'm not sure exactly what you're going for, but you could try it this way:

    The only hope of altering events lay in the hands of an elite group of assassins. The operatives? ____sniper, ____planner, ___scout, ___hunter, and ____thinker. This tactical team of five might accomplish little as individuals, but together they could assassinate the President in less time that it'd take you or I to cook breakfast.

    (The blanks are for filling in the operative's names, although I'm not sure if you're wanting to get that detailed or not.)
     

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