1. essaynerd
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    essaynerd New Member

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    I need help!

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by essaynerd, May 2, 2009.

    Okay, I'm stuck in my essay (creative writing) and I need help. I am suppose to be writing about my grandmother. (fictional character)

    My essay so far...

    It was a bitter chilly night. A group of doctors swarm the corridors. Nurses followed behind carrying foreign equipments. Their very presence scares me. I would not want some alien equipment operating inside my body. Fortunately for me, the doctors had a different patient today, who, ironically, happens to be my grandmother. My Granny.

    I never really knew who my grandmother really is. I knew bits and pieces of her life. I knew that she had a dysfunctional relationship with her parents. I knew that she had two unsuccessful marriages. I knew her life was a mess. But the details were sketchy, not clear. To be able to truly comprehend her would to be putting shards of glass together....

    To be able to truly comprehend her would to be putting shards of glass together

    I can't put my finger on this sentence. Can someone help me revise it? or maybe perhaps give me a diff simile in a different sentences??

    Basically, I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I have a general idea to reveal my 'relationship' with my grandmother at the ending of this story. So far... its completely a bummer.

    Please help :( I really need it.

    P.S: I am a chinese :p My grammars and vocab aren't that great. Would really appreciate help. Thank you.
     
  2. Ragnar
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    Ragnar Contributing Member

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    To be able to truly comprehend her would be like having the ability to mend a glass, broken beyond recognition.

    Not sure if I enterpreted the intention of the sentence correctly.
     
  3. architectus
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    architectus Banned

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    To be able to truly comprehend her would to be putting shards of glass together

    To truly understand her would be like putting a broken, antique vase back together.
     
  4. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    first of all, your tenses are a mess... you're mixing past and present willy-nilly, making no sense... need to stick consistently with past tense...

    and your troublesome sentence would make better sense as:

     
  5. StrixVaria
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    StrixVaria New Member

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    Actually mammamaia's "solution" has a comma splice :/

    To be able to truly comprehend her would be like reassembling a broken glass.

    Same wording but without the grammatical oversight.
     
  6. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Sorry, but a comma slice incorrectly joins two complete sentences, A comma slice caqn be corected by adding a conjunction or by substituting a full stop (with appropriate capitalization) for the comma.

    I do agree, however, that the comma in the above example doesn't really belong.
     
  7. StrixVaria
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    StrixVaria New Member

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    I was under the impression that a comma splice was any comma in a place where it doesn't belong. Thanks for the correction.
     
  8. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    i can agree that the sentence is ok without the comma... but i don't think it's a mortal sin to use one there, either...
     
  9. StrixVaria
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    StrixVaria New Member

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    You can't use a comma in English to separate the subject of the sentence from the predicate. Having a comma there would be akin to this sentence:

    "John, went to the park."

    Which is ABYSMAL.
     
  10. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    ...since the two distinct parts of that sentence could be written in straightforward order, as below [with the understood 'it' added], i don't see that comma as 'abysmal' though it certainly would be in the example you gave, which is a different thing altogether and doesn't relate to the subject at hand...

    ...it's not worth arguing over, so this is my last word on the matter... we will just have to agree to disagree... i'm willing to and can only hope you will be, as well...

    hugs, m
     
  11. Atari
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    Atari Active Member

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    The latter part of the sentence does not fit with the former. I think you have the expression slightly wrong. Allow me to make an attempt a revision:

    Truly comprehending her would be fitting together shards of broken glass.



    Shorter, concise, and I think it gets the point across.

    Perhaps even Maia can agree with this, yes?

    I like the phrase 'fitting together,' as it gives me the image of a small child, hands bloodied as he persistently attempts to fit these shards of glass together. Innocent and trying, unable to see that it is not worth it. Not to most people.
     
  12. Ghosts in Latin
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    Ghosts in Latin Senior Member

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    "To wholly understand my grandmother is to fit together a thousand shards of broken glass."

    Metaphors are an author's friend, I believe. I also agree with Atari when it comes to "fit together."
     
  13. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    REMINDER: Limit your responses to the sentence essaynerd asked for help with. This is a school assignment, so the assistance he may receive must be restricted.
     

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