1. MainerMikeBrown
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    MainerMikeBrown Contributing Member

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    If You Like To Help Others, Be Humble About It

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by MainerMikeBrown, Oct 22, 2014.

    Many folks like to help people because they want to make a difference. They really care about those they're trying to help, such as individuals with disabilities, for example.

    However, their are others who don't just try to help people - they also tell everyone else about what they do in order to look good to others.

    I know a guy who does charity work. And he lets everyone know about it too.

    What he doesn't realize is that when he brags to everyone about what he does, everybody sees right through it. They see that he's full of himself.

    When trying to help others, be humble about it. If you try to impress everyone by bragging about how you've helped others, they'll think you're a phony, to be blunt.
     
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  2. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    I have always felt that conscious, deliberate humility is identical to pride.
     
  3. Russo
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    Russo Member

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    I don't understand how talking about it, or as you say "bragging", grants that person the title of "phony" or "full of themselves". If someone were to come up to me and talk about participating in charity, I'd tell them "awesome!". I wouldn't think of that person as "full of themselves" or "phony". I believe the people who feel this way are either 1) careless about the fact, or 2) jealous. But hey, not everyone's opinion of someone are the same.
     
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  4. A.M.P.
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    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

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    As an egoist, I encourage everyone to boast about themselves and their accomplishment. Humility is for the weak or those who believe they do not deserve or earn their own successes.
    However, there is a way to do it without being annoying or obnoxious.
     
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  5. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    It should go without saying. Ostentation is unpretty, and taints what would otherwise be a generous act.

    Sadly, some people don't get it, and they never will. You could tell them, but you might as well be speaking Rigellian (the ancient dialect from the southern caverns). They lack the context to comprehend anything beyond the tip of their nose.
     
  6. edamame
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    edamame Contributing Member Contributor

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    Bragging about charity is a little strange, but perhaps this is simply what makes him feel good about himself. Maybe he's very insecure. Maybe you don't like his bragging if that's what it is, but I wouldn't want to discourage him from helping either. I'd rather have him brag about charity than his new sports car. Bit of a conundrum.
     
  7. Selbbin
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    Selbbin I hate you Contributor

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    I didn't realize that telling people about doing charity work negated that work and undid all the benefits. I guess its like making a wish.

    What I mean to say is: what a load of crap. As long as what they do benefits others why should them boasting about it matter more to you? Basically you are saying what people think of you is of more importance than charity.
     
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  8. jonahmann
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    jonahmann Active Member

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    Maybe he is narcissistic because he perceives himself as being radically weak.
     
  9. stevesh
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    stevesh Banned Contributor

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    I found this in my bag o'quotes. I've always though it made sense:

    800 years ago, Moses Maimonides enumerated the forms of charity, from best to least:

    1. Giving a pauper independence so that he will not have to depend on charity. Maimonides enumerates four forms of this, from the greatest to the weakest:

    a. Giving a poor person work.
    b. Making a partnership with him or her (this is lower than work, as the recipient might feel he doesn't put enough into the partnership).
    c. Giving a loan.
    d. Giving a gift.

    2. Giving charity anonymously to an unknown recipient.
    3. Giving charity anonymously to a known recipient.
    4. Giving charity publicly to an unknown recipient.
    5. Giving charity before being asked.
    6. Giving adequately after being asked.
    7. Giving willingly, but inadequately.
    8. Giving unwillingly.
     
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  10. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    "Hey poor person. I'll give you $7.00 an hour to clean my garage and mow my lawn."

    Real generous.
     
  11. stevesh
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    stevesh Banned Contributor

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    More generous, in ways that matter, than just handing him the $7.
     
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  12. A.M.P.
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    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

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    It actually really is.
    The ultimate generosity is allowing someone to lift themselves from poverty and return to the "norm fold" of society.
    Productivity, independence, and dignity play a huge factor in a human life and simply throwing money at them does little for either three.
    It's literally the old proverb of teaching a man to fish.
     
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  13. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Taken to its ultimate conclusion, its more like exploitation. If you work at a company your whole life. Let's say you wake up at 7 AM to get to work by 8:30, and you leave at 6 PM, and you're just making enough for an apartment and a car. Meanwhile that CEO has ten swimming pools.

    Are you saying that CEO is practicing ultimate generosity?
     
  14. A.M.P.
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    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

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    Absolutely not, the CEO is not creating or giving away work like the charitable man from the example.

    The charitable man, who could do the work himself or hire a professional, chooses to uplift someone from poverty, as best and long as he can, and give them meaningful work (Cleaning a garage or mowing a lawn may not be a dream come true but it's a real thing that needs to be done) and providing them a little of the tree attributes I mentioned. Then, with some luck, the impoverished man can start doing odd jobs from the charitable man's recommendations or use the new income to find a new job (Clean himself up, good suit, not looking like a starved animal, etc.)

    Charity is about giving away what is not needed by yourself to those in need.
    The CEO does not need to give away work and it makes no business sense to create a posting that is more of a cost than cost effective.
    The charitable man has extra cash, work he doesn't want to do himself, creates and gives the opportunity to one in need rather than have his children do it for free or pay a pro.

    "Oh, but A.M.P., let's say the CEO has a need for more works to run the business and you're out of a job and need one badly and he is willing to hire you. That would be charity according to what you're saying!" Oh, hush. The CEO is out to make money and spend the least of it. He'll hire the best he can, for the least pay, and in a contractual sense. Your needs are irrelevant to him.
    The charitable man, however, cares enough to create the opportunity that doesn't necessarily need to exist. It's not about business or saving money but about helping.
    That's the difference. It's not about intent or how it's performed but about aiding someone in need purposefully and charitably. (Never altruistically, I don't believe in that nonsense.)
     
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  15. Annihilation
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    Annihilation Active Member

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    You don't know what you're talking about.
    I've noticed those who boast about themselves are also very hollow people. I'd encourage people to be humble no matter what. Maybe to you, life is a competition but others who have gone through struggles and tribulations know it's a gift. And we share it. Boasting would only make people feel inferior.
     
  16. A.M.P.
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    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

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    Well.. maybe YOU don't know what you're talking about because you either don't understand my post or you just felt like sending an insult my way.

    If it's an insult, I can do it too: you have a very narrow, sad view of human nature and most likely due because you envy the success of others or fear your own potential inadequacy at meeting your own goals.

    See? Random insults are mean, don't add to a healthy discussion, and make an ass of you and me when we assume random crap about one another.

    You don't know me and I don't know you.
    So, discuss the post and try to understand it rather than go after the user.
    Sheesh.. basic internet debating 101.

    I mean, what is this place?
    YouTube comment section?

    So, every good or even great thing you do, you should never share with the people you care about because if they didn't equal it they might feel bad?
    Why would they feel bad? They should be happy and proud of you. If they feel bad, it's their own failures haunting them.
    And who the hell cares you had a hard life? "Don't tell me about your accomplishments! I have a hard life and don't wanna hear about the success of others because I don't have it!"... seriously? What does that even have to do with accomplishments? Hell, surviving a hard life is an accomplishment...

    Or is it the word boast you don't really understand?
    I did state, there is a way to properly do it.
    Yes, those who spend their days boasting and making sure everyone knows how "awesome" they are have major issues deep down.
    But as I said, proper way to do it.

    Also, why do you bring competition into this? I am not competing with a million other writers just to win and be like "Lalala! I sell more than you because my story and skill is awesomer! Lalala!" but if I write a book, publish it, I'm telling my husband, everyone at work, and spend and plan my future according to this success (ie: progressing on further writing, marketing, become a known and established writer)

    Sure, any sort of success means you "beat" others but to think that "winning" means you were "competing" is a sad way to look at life. "Aw, but I want everyone to win a trophy!"... Some people get their dreams, some don't. You shouldn't be ashamed or hide it, because it's not about making others "feel" bad but about sharing your joy and success with others. If you can't partake in someones happiness, then you're the one with an issue.

    I'm not gonna walk around and be like "Oh, yeah. I wrote a book, no big deal. You could do it if you wanted. It's nothing really." and be humble because I am an author, I love and believe in what I create, so humility toward it is an insult to yourself, your creation, and all the hard working people who are still trying to achieve their own dreams!

    ie: T.Erwin on this forum showcased his new published book. I congratulated him, asked him where he gets his drive to write like there's no tomorrow (Which is an oxymoron when you think about it), read the "free sample" offered on Amazon and saw he was really good at writing. I didn't "feel" bad because he was bragging to us "the writing group" which is 90% wanna-be authors and I didn't yet achieve my dream. I just felt exhilarated. He achieved what I want, so I have to keep pushing till I do too. If he can do it, I can do it too and I can even do it better. Why? Because I believe in myself.

    So... everyone shares life.
    Sure, that's a logical statement.
    And yes, being together is awesome because friendship is magic.
    But should people stop achieving, getting fancy degrees, or earning authority over our world because those who didn't get it will feel bad?
    "I don't wanna call you doctor because I failed med school and it makes me feel bad?" like wtf.

    No one is saying go to your poor friends house in your fancy 200k car, with a glittery pink satin suit, and tell them all about your wonderful vacation in... Byzantine where you the room service was so terrible you had to complain and that your 1000 dollar course meal was undercooked and you had to throw it all away.

    As I said, there's a proper way to boast/brag/share you success
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2014
  17. Annihilation
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    Annihilation Active Member

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    What? Sorry I ate some bad chorizo earlier and it's making it hard to read.
     
  18. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    Tell that to the British people. :blech:

    Honestly, though, I think this is right. Being proud of yourself is fine, just don't be obnoxious. Being humble for the sake of being humble, and appearing Christian, makes no sense to me.
     
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  19. Selbbin
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    Selbbin I hate you Contributor

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    Sometimes being deliberately humble about something exceptional is really, really cocky. Too cool for school kind of thing.
     
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  20. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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  21. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    True, I suppose there's a balance to humility and pride. Someone who might appear very humble may actually just have low self-esteem and can't really grasp that there are things they can do, and they should feel proud of for doing it. They feel uncomfortable when people shower them with praise because they feel like they somehow don't deserve it. But being humble about something exceptional? I hadn't heard of this. I suppose some don't want to feel like they're putting others down by giving off the idea that no one else can do what they did.

    To me, being humble means admitting that there are things you don't understand, and things you will likely never understand. I'll be able to understand Tudor England much better than I do now (all I know are the names of the monarchs :p) once I delve into the plethora of books about the time. Now, would I be able to do Physics? No. I likely won't ever be able to do it and that's all right. I still love hearing people talk about it even when I haven't the faintest idea of what they're talking about.

    Like the old adage said: a life is not interesting when you decide you've learned everything there is to know about everything.

    ...Have I completely missed the point? Ah well, I'm just thinking out loud here. :D
     
  22. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    Well, it doesn't have to be about Christianity. Let's not add that kerosene soaked log to the fire, shall we. ;) But the truth is that if you're thinking about it, if you're making a conscious effort to behave in a way that portrays humility, then there is no difference to that and showing off like a peacock. When you consciously, actively, deliberately take the humble route, that's not humility. That's kowtowing to a social ideal, an expectation pushed on you from outside yourself and which you wish to be seen as living up to. That is, by definition, purest ego and pride.

    ETA: It might have been you, might have been someone else, who made mention of that very british moment when you apologize to the coffee table for having bumped into it. That's paraphrased. Regardless, if there is truth in that, then that is also neither humility nor politeness, that's ritual.
     
  23. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I don't think being humble or cocky matters much in this context: if someone gave me $1,000 000, they could be the humblest person alive or boast about it to everyone all the time, I couldn't care less as long as I could then afford to provide an easier life for my family. The important thing is to do good; whether you take the secret to your grave, tell about it to others to inspire them to follow your example, or boast and brag about it has no effect on the charity itself. All it does is affect how people view you in general: boastful braggers aren't generally all that liked (as they often also brag about non-charitable things, e.g. about their expensive possessions) whereas those who lead by example are inspiring. However, you can't lead by example if nobody knows about your good deeds, so you need to spread word about your charitable actions somehow, at least if your objects of charity don't know who you are. Just like with everything, however, there's a way to do it well and a way to do it badlly. But that, again, is a separate matter from the actual act of charity and has zero effect on it.

    It would be a good idea to define what we mean by bragging or being cocky. Which am I when I tell my friends how cool of an experience it was when me and the Mrs. paid an old lady ten times the price she was asking for two crummy (i.e. poor condition) books she was selling on a street corner on a cold day and how surprised and happy she was? What about when I actively spread word about e.g. the horrors of human trafficking and how we can help the victims and survivors, thus showing everyone I'm involved in related charity movements while I seek to inspire e.g. my friends and family to also help? Is that bragging?

    Also, I don't see being cocky as an inherently bad thing; it depends on how and why you're cocky. Come to think of it, some might call it just being honest if e.g. I was a good guitarist (I'm not), and I said something like "well, the guitarist of the band I saw yesterday wasn't as good as me, but he was better than you" answering a friend's inquiry about the skill level of the band if I truly was the best guitarist of the three, my friend the worst, and it wasn't a subjective truth. Many would say that's cocky, but is it?
     
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  24. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    ...thus making charitable works merely another expensive possession.

    I read about a tribal custom of giving an elaborate wedding feast, which became (after contact with Europeans) a form of conspicuous consumption...starting with all the rich food that you could eat, and then moving on to all the food that you could throw away, merely to demonstrate that the feast-giver was the richest man around...and people would beggar themselves in order to compete.
     
  25. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    In a way, but an expensive diamond in a bragger's safe benefits nobody whereas that million would benefit me and mine a lot, so in that sense one expensive possession, charity, is useful and has a positive influence on the object of charity whereas the expensive material possession doesn't benefit anyone except perhaps the owner.
     

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