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  1. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    National Stalking Awareness Month

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Cosmos, Jan 5, 2010.

    Now I'm not sure if this is kosher or not since it is sort of a controversial topic but I felt if I'm premitted I should bring this to people's attention.

    This month is National Stalking Awareness Month. Part of my job as part of a group I'm working with is to get awareness out about this.

    Stalking is a crime in most countries, and it's on the rise. People need to educate themselves and others on it in order to deal effectively with it. I hope everyone takes the few minutes that is necessary to learn about, and how they can protect themselves and others from it.

    Should you have questions please post them and I will answer them as best as I can. If you have emergency please contact your police office/emergency response immediately.
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I don't expect a lot of controversy about stalking, but I'll warn everyone anyway - if this turns into an argument, the thread will be closed and whoever escalates it to that point is subject to infraction.

    Also, Attention, please, regarding offsite links.
     
  3. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    Thank you. If it turned into an argument I'd rather it was locked/deleted, so I'm wholy happy with that.

    Also, in reference to the link; I'd totally forgotten that rule, sorry. Elsewhere people prefered that I posted the link, but copy-past works just as well:

    I've done a study on this and would be willing to provide more information, if requested.
     
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  4. NaCl
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    NaCl Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'd "follow" this thread...but I'm afraid I'll be accused of stalking! LOL

    Sorry, I realize stalking is nothing to be laughed at. One of my daughters had an ex-boyfriend stalker until I "chatted" with him late one night. It got really creepy with that moron sitting in his car down the street at all hours of the night. I allowed a month for his interest to wane before I slipped into the passenger seat of his car while he sat there in the dark. He forgot I'm ex-recon. You should have seen the look on his face when I suddenly entered his car. I provided him three possible ways we could bring his behavior to an end. Two involved favorite body parts. He picked the right alternative and we never heard from him again.

    Most stalkers are a form of bullies. They enjoy intimidating people but often wet their pants when confronted by anyone who can hold them accountable (cops, big brother, angry dad, neighborhood, etc.) In rare cases, stalkers are delusional to the point of insanity or out of control rage. They don't give a hoot about restraining orders or personal risks. The only way to deal with them is incarceration (mental hospital or jail).
     
  5. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    Are your services for hire? ;)

    I used to work with a guy who wanted to date me, and when I turned him down, he decided turning stalker was the way to get me to change my mind. Didn't work...

    And my ex and his group of friends used to be quite stalker-ish. They've toned it down in the past year or so, but I still get to deal with them on occasion. Joy of all joys.
     
  6. Lavarian
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    Lavarian Contributing Member Contributor

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    That's straight-up bad ass, my friend. You magnificent bastard!
    I've been e-stalked before. Not as scary as in RL, but still quite annoying.
     
  7. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    I figured I'd bring up some details to give people more knowledge about stalking:

    The Rejected Suitor
    Sometimes a partner rejected by their spouse or lover may vacillate between overtures of reconciliation and revenge. They have a narcissistic sense of entitlement and belief this is the only relationship they are going to have. More than 80% of rejected stalkers in Mullen’s study (off-site source) had personality disorders. Therapeutic treatment of the rejected stalker involves helping him or her come to terms with the end of the relationship.

    The Intimacy Seeker

    The intimacy-seeking stalker intends to establish a relationship with his "true love" regardless of her wishes. More than half of the intimacy seekers Mullen (off-site source) evaluated were delusional, believing that their love was reciprocated, and nearly a third had a personality disorder and a delusion that their quest would be ultimately successful. Legal actions do not work well with intimacy seekers, who may justify their behavior with the belief they must pay a price for true love. The court may order treatment, which should focus on treating their delusions or other mental disorders.

    The Incompetent Suitor

    This type is typically a man who had been rebuffed after asking a woman for a date. He’s often socially inept, and when rejected, begins to stalk with the hope that his persistent behavior will change the woman’s mind. The incompetent suitors can be responsive to judicial sanctions but are also likely to relapse.

    The Resentful Stalker
    These offenders express anger in response to a perception that they have been humiliated or treated unfairly by the object of their obsession. They thrive on having a sense of power and control over the victim, and are hard to treat because they often see themselves as the victim.

    The Predatory Stalker

    The six predatory stalkers in Mullen’s study (off-site source) admitted to preparing to sexually attack a random victim. This type derives pleasure from gathering information about the target and fantasizing about the assault. They often have prior convictions as sexual deviants.
     
  8. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    I've been stalked a lot in the past, it was really quite unsettling to be honest. I haven't had a stalker now for just over 12 months! It's great!

    I think the worst case was a boyfriends brother stalking me. He would follow me everywhere and even wait for me after school somewhere along my path home. He had never really done much wrong except make me uncomfortable until I told his brother (my bf at the time) who then decided to raise the issue with him. Yeah, bad idea that was. I became the victim of assault for about 4 months. He then said to his brother that he was going to kill me.

    He left town and did the same thing to another girl who took him to court. He ended up in prison serving a 10 year sentence for sexual assault, assault and a few other charges.
     
  9. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    I've been stalked before.

    Not a pleasant experience.
     
  10. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    My sympathies for your experiences.

    Having been subject to such suffering what recommendation would you make to someone who is experiencing stalking? What would you recommend to prevent it even from happening?

    I have my own advice and ideas, but would rather to hear what others have to say on the matter first.
     
  11. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    Oh, happy subject. I honestly didn't know we had a stalking awareness month. It is kinda sad that it is a big enough problem that it is required. I only have marginal personal experience with the subject. I had ex who drove by my house yelling threats for about a month after I dumped him (he was abusive..never looked back). I never took legal action and he went on with pathetic life.

    I have a friend, however, who was being stalked by male "friend" who became obsessed. My friend's husband disregarded the man as a threat figuring he would get over it. My friend felt threatened, but no one took her seriously. Eventually, the stalker kidnapped her, kept her for 3 months and gave her a daughter. I do believe that this atrocity could have been prevented if people had taken the stalking seriously.
    I think because people stalk for different reasons and with different intentions...it is hard to predict who can be told off or dissuaded by a restraining order and who is going to do harm if given half a chance. My ex just got over it. My friend's stalker escalated. How can one tell the difference before it is too late?
     
  12. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    My sympathies to both you and your friend.

    Unfortunately it's incredibly difficult to judge which stalkers are only playing with their victims and which intend to actually take serious and dangerous action. Mostly from what I've studied it can be judged by the stalker's temperment, the nature of what started the stalking and length of time the stalking's been going on for.

    Stalker's who give concrete explainations of their threats ("I'm going to kill you before the weekend") tend to act on their's more often. So do stalkers who are rejected suitor types. If there's an emotional involvement in the stalking (i.e. the stalker is a former intimate), they tend to be more vicious and more likely to keep at it. And stalkers that have been at it for a very long time (generally a few months) build up a load of resentment and end up taking it out on their victim, rather than a stalker who was "playing a joke" for a "little while".

    In the end, each situation and stalker is different and must be addressed accordingly. Since it's often impossible to know whether a stalker will strike out or not, it's best to stay safe and take no chances. Unfortunately law enforcement and the general public know little about stalking and generally are ill-equipped to handle it though in the last few years there's been improvement.
     
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  13. writewizard
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    writewizard Contributing Member

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    I don't think I've ever been actually stalked, but when I went to the downtown library there was one gentleman who thought that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me (I'm still not sure why - he's 50, I'm much younger), and he would follow me around some when I went there. I stopped going there though and have not seen him in awhile.

    Stalking isn't anything to laugh out; I'm glad that's the one thing we've avoided.
     
  14. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    There is nothing funny or harmless about stalking. My girlfriend was stalked by her ex-husband for years. He probably still would, except she has friends around her who have promised him extreme bodily harm if he shows up anywhere near her. That, plus he has lost his drivers license and is on probation for other matters, so he doesn't have easy means to get to her currently.

    He stole her mail on several occasions, including billing notices. He broke into her house, attacked her on several occasions, and vandalized her computer. After she fled her home state in the middle of the night, he burned down the house she vacated. Twice. That earned himn one night in jail. After she fled, she had to get assistance from agencies my state (where she fled to) to protect her identity and privacy.

    I can't go into details, but there was more. A lot more. And she couldn't count on any help from the police and courts in her home state.

    There is nothing funny or harmless about stalking.
     
  15. Mercurial
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    Mercurial Contributing Member Contributor

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    Wow, Cog, that sounds really scary --and really unjust on the police's side. I'm sorry she had to go through that; I'm sorry anyone had to go through that. I've been lucky enough to avoid to avoid any kind of stalking incident.

    All the same, I've read through the thread and although the incidents that have happened to members and their loved ones are very unfortunate, I've found the information very interesting, I guess because I dont know all that much about stalking.

    Thank you, Cosmos, for bringing this thread to life. I didnt even know we had a national stalking-awareness month, and I'm really glad you shared this with us. :) I'm sure those of us who werent aware of this information on stalking before will definitely remember it now and if the situation ever arises, we'll be prepared. Knowledge is power! ;)
     
  16. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    Thank you so much. Stalking is indeed no laughing matter. My therapist referred to it as a long slow rape, and indeed it has many traits of such. Your feeling of self-worth diminishes, your feeling of control is taken from you and you feel like your entire life is defined by a crazy person's temperment. But there is hope and help, though it's very limited at this time but it's growing.

    My purpose is to keep the dialogue going about this so that others are aware of the dangers of stalking and how to prevent it. Or even be a sounding board for those who have or still suffer from it. I'm glad I could make it since I feel the more it's talked about the more will be done to help victims and their loved ones. I'm glad to give people more information on it, and am grateful that you guys feel it's worthwhile to talk about.
     
  17. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    Our lives were made a misery by my daughter's ex-fiance. In the end, my husband sent one of his workers to stalk HIM for a week, and we built up a dossier on his activities, which we then confronted him with. He chose not to risk us showing it to his employer as any sign of mental instability would have cost him his job. We seem to be rid of him now, but we kept the dossier and photos just in case.
    It can be very scary, so I'm glad to hear there are people out there raising awareness about stalking and providing help--keep up the good work.
     
  18. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    I was in high school (in sixth form) when I was stalked, and it was a few weeks before I noticed that there was this boy in a younger year who was following me wherever I went. Soon after I first noticed him he started shouting things at me, insults and repeating my name over and over again. Soon the insults turned into physical things, such as pushing into me and walking into the back of me. It stopped at this thankfully, but his stalking me continued to the end of the year.

    I never did anything to him and could not understand it.

    Thankfully this started a few months before I left that school, and I've never seen him since. I suspect this is only because he does not know my parent's address, and the fact I've now moved out.

    It was the most horrible experience I've ever had.
     
  19. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    You have my sympathy, both of you. It's always traumatizing when your life is so horribly disrupted by someone who is clearly out of their mind but I'm grateful you're both free of it.

    And thank you. I'm very pleased people appreciate this. If I help even just one person with this thread I'll know my duty is fulfilled.

    Yes, I highly recommend you keep all details on the stalker. When stalkers give up they tend to find another target (sad but true)...however if they feel they don't have a new adequate object of obsession they tend to focus on old victims, which is why keeping your information is extremely important. It's kinda like insurance--you might never use it (or again anyways) but it would be terrible to be without it.

    If I may, here's the three may pieces of advice I give to stalking victims:

    The three most important rules of fighting back/getting away:

     
  20. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    So far, it seems that everyone on here who has had experience with a stalker has had a MALE stalker. Does anyone know the statistics on how many FEMALE stalkers there are?
     
  21. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    Edit: I think I answered your question in the second set of statistics.

    Please don't interpet these statistics as the be all and end all, as there's many sources and some differ in their statistics but generally speaking they are accurate. Of course many victimizations occur in spite of the statistics (i.e. men still get stalked).
     
  22. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Carmina, I would mistrust statistics on this in any case. I suspect that men are less inclined to report being stalked by a woman than vice versa, and I don't even put much faith in the statistics of women being stalked by men.

    With any statistic, you have to ask how the data was collected.

    I have been stalked by a woman before, but it was nothing like the severity of the stalking my girlfriend encountered (I was lucky). It happens a lot.
     
  23. Cosmos
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    Cosmos Contributing Member

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    I agree entirely with your point that stalking statistics are oftentimes screwy because of the nature of the crime, but I don't thing they're all wrong.

    Indeed I believe I read somewhere that men were much less likely to report stalking, or any crime against them, for that matter. Stalking is already a taboo enough topic without misguided gender roles and once you factor that in, you really mess with the dynamic.

    That said, I've read a lot of stats on this, and some of the stats do reflect a pretty consistent picture. That picture isn't to lay blame on any particular group, but rather to see what in particular needs special attention so resources to combat stalking can be distributed as a need basis.

    As a sidenote, this information comes from the National Violence Against Women Survey website. I'll definitely be sure to explore more sources I've compiled to get a rounder picture.
     
  24. NaCl
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    NaCl Contributing Member Contributor

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    The bottom line in my opinion is that stalking is just another form of bullying. And like most bullies, the stalker will disappear when confronted by strength.

    What does "strength" mean? It can be exposing his/her behavior to his parents or school officials. It can be a visit from the police or a restraining order that IS enforced...nothing like the click of handcuffs to make a bully soil himself. In my case, I made it clear to the bully what would happen to him if my daughter complained to me, even one more time. The point is, usual stalkers require intervention, some sort of strength that dissuades the behavior, but this approach will not work with a psychotic stalker or anyone with rage problems.

    Rage does not respond to rational discussion. Severe delusions and out-of-control rage require police involvement. This is where documentation and restraining orders are critical. Neither will stop a delusional person or someone experiencing rage from stalking or attacking. But, documentation and legal protective orders empower the police to incarcerate the person at the slightest provocation, hopefully getting them into court ordered therapy long enough to end the threat. In addition, if the victim protects herself by using a weapon like a gun or knife, the burden of proof falls on her (unfortunately) to justify use of deadly force. She'd better have lots of documentation and proper legal remedies in place if she ends up defending herself and kills or maims the bad guy.
     
  25. Carmina
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    Hey Saulty...if I am ever stalked again...you willing to drive down to my place and give the guy a talking to?
     

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