1. heyharris1
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    heyharris1 Senior Member

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    need big time help with a sentence, i cant make it right

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by heyharris1, Oct 3, 2007.

    ok here's what im trying to say.

    this guy ron, who's a total sleezeball has picked up a hooker, of couse they have sex, but i dont wanna say they have sex. just want to imply that they do, then their going to go at it again in the shower. but i dont wanna use cuss words, i want the image but wanna keep it a clean image. here is what i wrote.

    " Man, that was am-maz-ing. money well spent as far as i am concerned."

    ron said looking at her from head to toe. taking her by the hand ron

    escorted her to the shower,coming to realize he didnt even know her

    name,he didnt care, he was just ready for the enchore.

    i have rewirtten it about 15 times and this is about the best i have come up with.
    jim
     
  2. EyezForYou
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    EyezForYou Active Member

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    I don't feel the gritty rawness of the scumbag, because this is about Ron picking up a hooker, right?

    Not a escort.
     
  3. heyharris1
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    heyharris1 Senior Member

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    its not so much about picking up the hooker, its more about what happens after he picks up the hooker, and what happenes in the motel room, i quess i was trying to make ron look like a sleezball with the " he dosent even know her name, he dosent care, he just wants to get in the shower for round number 2. It may even not have to do with sex, i just gotta get the point across to the read that Ron is a complete sleeze ball, and i just figured a scene with him and a hooker would do the trick.
     
  4. RomanticRose
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    RomanticRose Active Member

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    "That was amazing, woman. A bargain at twice the price. You went into the right line of work." Ron arched his eyebrows, and looked up and down her slender form.
    "Let's hit the shower and let you rack up some overtime."
     
  5. dushechka
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    dushechka Contributing Member

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    I think you've written it fairly well actually.
    I guess I'm just wondering if it matches Ron's character?
    But then again, if he's paying for actual sex, shouldn't it be gritty and real? Not.. masked?

    "He did it. He didn't know her name, her age, no facts whatsoever. But honestly, he didn't care. He got what he paid for, and the night was just beginning."

    Or something... weird like that.
     
  6. heyharris1
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    heyharris1 Senior Member

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    the reason i went with a hooker is cause earlier you find out that he has a loving wife at home waiting for him to come home from what he told her on the phone was an extended meating. I quess i should have said that. i dont wanna get just down right nasty cause i dont wanna turn it into a porno, just show the mans true character, that he's a sleeze ball.
     
  7. Funny Bunny
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    Funny Bunny Contributing Member

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    Hookers are generally vulnerable women who think their pimps love them and are often "skanky" used up, not really great to look at. I am not sure if you intend the man's picking up a hooker to prove he is a sleaze ball. I actually know a lot of guys who are not sleeze-balls who pay for sex. I mean if you want the job done right, go to a professional. It's kind of like eating a raw puffer fish though.

    I am not sure you can introduce sex into a story with out actually showing it at least a bit. Perhaps there is something else you can do to show the guy is a sleaze? Also, a wife can be loving and still be a horrific bed partner. Oh well, I wont go into that. She can be dumpy, boring, and a total turn off, but he might still love her. (So I guess I am saying I don't see how going to a whore makes one a sleeze-ball).

    If you've read any recent books (or many books since 1950) you will find that realistic sex scenes are common in every-day literature. I just read some Norman Mailer and it was sick, sick, sick (not really, it was fun) he writes continually about sex. A pornography book is a book published for a pornography publishing company which contains a story which the main goal is to excite the reader into (fill in the blank). The story is generally non existant in preference to scene after scene of detailed sexual description. If you have any kind of story at all you probably do not run the risk of writing a pornography book.

    I have a similar problem in the book I am writing actually I have several "sex scenes" usually between couples who are not Hooker/john, but husband/wife or in one case girlfriend/boyfriend.

    I had to really look at my book and decide, will this be for a general audience or for a mature one. I actually did sanitize my sex scenes somewhat, but they still read as "Sex scenes" what you do is not actually mention the anatomy involved." You can actually write a sex scene and not mention body parts. You have to think about "what else is happening."
     
  8. heyharris1
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    heyharris1 Senior Member

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    ok how many women on this forum would not care if your husband/boyfriends was sleeping with hookers at night. why you sat at home.
    ok, maybe sex aint the answer then , how would you go about describing someone as being a sleeze ball. thats why i started this post. i need help. I could easly change why he aint at home. i dont know like you said. You did hit it write when you said that you had to figure out who your audience would be, i would like it to be so that a 13 year old could read it and like it, and a mature adult would like it also. eiter way it has to happen away from home. thats the key element.

    ok let me pose this question to you, audience poll, what would make you think somebody was a sleeze ball low life looser.

    maybe he has a drug addiction, i dont know, looking for answers.
     
  9. Funny Bunny
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    Funny Bunny Contributing Member

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    Okay. That makes sense. In that case, I would take out the sex all together. I would not be the one to sell a 13 year old a book with any implication of sex at all. I am also not sure if a drug addict should be in a book for a 13 year old. Maybe he clubs baby seals? Ooh how about he strangles puppies? (Oh, that would not be good in a book for 13 year olds). Cheats in school? Sells a person faulty goods? The all time favorite is that he has a profession in which he can kick people out of their houses or apartments. Say he evicts an out of work disabled woman and her 5 fatherless children, and a bunch of senior citizens who have been trying to save their building, leaving them homeless in order to sell their low rent building to a firm that flips them into high price condos for the wealthy. That's pretty sleazy. You could make a pretty good scene of it Lots of cop cars, screaming people, all their belongings thrown out on the curb, and the sleezo chucking as he watches, thinking of the money he will make. Related to that would be the highway on-ramp or the mall, or the street widening in which "Eminent Domain" takes the homes of people, leaving them with pennies on the dollar for their houses. You could also go for crime, but crime that is legal seems sleazier than crime that is not.

    What about a rich management type who decides to fire a whole department of already low wage earners right before Christmas in a town with no other industry so that the company can afford to buy him an airplane?

    I think that is really on a sleeze level higher, and also, you can write it without hiding anything.

    If you are ever looking for sleezes, go to the newspapers. They have zillions of ideas for how people can hurt other people.
     
  10. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    Someone who has a drug or alcohol problem possibly. Maybe some guy that has poor appearance, doesn't pride himself in what he looks like.

    Drunks are generally always sleezy. Also high paid workers who have so called white collar jobs who absolutely love themselves can be extremely sleezy.
     
  11. brotherbrutus
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    brotherbrutus New Member

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    The problem you're going to run into is that any other author's writing is going to feel horribly out of place in the midst of your own style. Keep that in mind before plugging in any catchy phrasing you might find somewhere else. That said, I'll take a crack at it, although my version is certainly in a different tone than the original.

    Ron looked over at his new acquaintance. He smelled stale beer on her breath, funny that he hadn't noticed it earlier, but then again, he had been fairly busy a few moments ago. And he didn't really mind them drunk, some of them performed better that way.

    "Definitely better than a magazine."

    "What?" The woman turned around, a confused gaze splashed across her wearied features.

    "I couldn't decide between this or a magazine."

    The woman looked at him archly. "Yeah, you pay about the same for either one." She prodded him suggestively.

    Ron groaned, and reached into his pants pocket to withdraw a thin wallet. "Here's a five, but I want a second run."

    She sniffed. "Fine, but take a shower first."

    He smirked crudely at her. "And why not both at the same time?"




    Granted I don't have much personal experience in the area of hookers, so that sort of exchange is probably unrealistic. But if it helps, I was happy to do it. If it doesn't help, then I was still happy to try to help.

    Cheers, BB
     
  12. heyharris1
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    heyharris1 Senior Member

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    Actually i think i will just change the book to an older crowd and keep the sex scene. it just fits write with the story. thanks for all the info and i wrote down everybody's responses, and go from there thank you all very much.
    jim
     

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