1. Spine.Cleaver
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    Spine.Cleaver New Member

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    Need help with sentence structure!

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Spine.Cleaver, May 26, 2010.

    Hello again!

    I've come across yet another hurdle in my novel writing. I wish to rephrase this in a better way to convey the meaning to my readers:

    "After what seemed like hours Andreas was at the foot of a lengthy tall overhead pathway that encircled the entire inner city, marking the midway point of the public square."

    It's a tad too wordy - need to find a way to make it more readable.

    -Spine Cleaver
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    It is too wordy. Moreover, you're trying to put too much into one sentence: Andreas's location, and a full(ish) description of the elevated path.

    Don't stack your adjectives so much, for example lengthy tall overhead. That's another sign you are overstuffing the sentence. If the path deserves that much description (and it may not), give the description a sentence or two of its own, perhaps even an entire paragraph.

    If a sentence is splitting at the seams, let it out.
     
  3. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    'encircled the entire inner city, marking the midway point of the public square'

    huh?
     
  4. Manav
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    Manav Contributing Member

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    Besides wordiness.... I just don't get a clear image out of this. How small is the inner city to be entirely encircled by the pathway? How is the pathway marking the midway point of the public square? You definitely need to expand this description. One sentence filled with adjectives is not going to do.
     
  5. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    i agree with all of the above... here's one way that can be made to read better and make better sense:

    can't be 'foot of' if it's a circle...

    that part makes no sense in re a path that goes around the area, so you need to explain it to us, if you want suggestions...
     

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