1. foosicle
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    foosicle Member

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    News Article Quandry

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by foosicle, Oct 11, 2011.

    ### The following are excerpts that I am struggling with, please brutally advise me.

    Our extensive use of business specifications, from BPMN, PMBOK, to BABOK, has enabled us to empower our clients with the quality of training above and beyond their expectations.
    Q: does the above follow appropriate punctuation?

    Business people find it comfortable to use flow-charts as a means of visualizing a companies' business processes. A legacy that has now created a technical gap between desiging a business process and its implementation through advanced execution languages.
    Q: this doesn't seem to flow correctly, what would be an alternative?

    Ultimately causing loss of competitive advantage within their target market and an unrecoverable loss in company morale among employees.
    Q: was the BP spill related to process complexity failures (I have a feeling it did, else someone would of caught the disaster before it happened)?

    For those negligent companies, Titanic-like imagery surges to mind, where the chief navigator and captain plot course with but a partially complete map to certain travesty.
    Q: is there a better way to emphasize this impact allegorical?

    (sci study) The best method to learn comes from a comfortable environment, that typically is the home of the client.
    Q: anyone have a good study worth citing about the success of learning in comfortable/non-stress inducing environments

    <middle class business>
    Q: what are some common terms for small business community that predominates America?

    Similar training offered onsite exceeds $2,000 by visit.
    Q: is there a better way to word that our training is offerred at one-tenth the cost?
     
  2. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    Our extensive use of business specifications, from BPMN, PMBOK, to BABOK, has enabled us to empower our clients with the quality of training above and beyond their expectations.
    Q: does the above follow appropriate punctuation?

    ...the problem is having 3 items with a 'from/to' range... makes no sense... you could say 'from xxx and xxx to xxx' and it would work, but the way you have it doesn't... and 'the' doesn't work well before 'quality'... 'a' would make better sense...

    Business people find it comfortable to use flow-charts as a means of visualizing a companies' business processes. A legacy that has now created a technical gap between desiging a business process and its implementation through advanced execution languages.
    Q: this doesn't seem to flow correctly, what would be an alternative?

    ...the reason is the very long fragment that doesn't seem to flow directly from the sentence preceding it... another snag being the odd choice of 'legacy'... the fragment makes little sense to me, may have to be simplified for all readers, even if they're familiar with the 'in' terms, as i am not... also, your spelling needs work... 'companies' should be 'company's' since it's a singular possessive... and 'desiging' is short one 'n'...

    Ultimately causing loss of competitive advantage within their target market and an unrecoverable loss in company morale among employees.
    Q: was the BP spill related to process complexity failures (I have a feeling it did, else someone would of caught the disaster before it happened)?

    ...i can't judge your conclusion, not having read your whole piece, but 'company morale among employees' is redundant...

    For those negligent companies, Titanic-like imagery surges to mind, where the chief navigator and captain plot course with but a partially complete map to certain travesty.
    Q: is there a better way to emphasize this impact allegorical?

    ...probably... but to be correct grammatically and make any sense, all after 'and' needs to be reworded...

    (sci study) The best method to learn comes from a comfortable environment, that typically is the home of the client.
    Q: anyone have a good study worth citing about the success of learning in comfortable/non-stress inducing environments

    ...not i... however, 'method to learn come from' is awkward, makes little sense... could use a tweak...

    <middle class business>
    Q: what are some common terms for small business community that predominates America?

    ...mom and pop shops; privately owned; independent...

    Similar training offered onsite exceeds $2,000 by visit.
    Q: is there a better way to word that our training is offerred at one-tenth the cost?

    ...this doesn't even come close to saying that... i can't offer alternatives w/o more info, such as what you actually provide for $200... and 'by visit' makes no sense... did you mean 'per visit'?...
     

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