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  1. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    Planning for Pregnancy - advice

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Carmina, Nov 6, 2009.

    I got married at 27. The bio-clock starting ticking loudly at 28. The plan was to have a baby before I hit 30. Lay-off, nervous breakdown, another lay-off and two years of my husband's unemployment and we haven't been able to start trying. When we were first married and I was laid off...it wasn't a big deal because we wanted to be married for a while first. Then, I had a nervous breakdown and couldn't work, but the clock started ticking. Steve said that when we were both working full time, we could start trying. Then he got laid off the DAY I found full-time work. HE promised that we could start trying after he found work. He now h as a full-time job, but it comes with 3 months of probation, so he said after the probation. Then last night I mentioned trying after his probation is up and his job is more secure and he added "and we save up some money in the bank." I asked him how much since this wasn't the original deal. He said he didn't know, but he wanted to feel "comfortable" with the amount. He also doesn't want to "start trying" so much as "stop trying not to." With that technique it could take a long time to get pregnant if you aren't trying to keep track of the fertile possible after all.

    Basically I am feeling frustrated that it is never going to happen. I am 31. I want to be relatively young when I am chasing kids around. Everyone tells me that there is never a good time or the right amount of money. I just can't convince him to take the risk.

    So, I want advice from parents and spouses out there. How can I handle this? How do you make it work with a limited budget? How much do you need to have in the bank for "start up" costs? Is it smart or stupid to wait until some arbitrary level of financial comfort" is reached?
     
  2. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    I would just like to preface this by saying that I don't have kids, so take this all with a grain of salt.

    Joel and I have talked about when we want to start trying to have kids. He wants to wait several years (we haven't put a number to it, but he's thinking about when I turn thirty). I'm 23 now, and personally, waiting seven years after we get married to have kids seems like a really long time to me. Joel, though, like Steve, wants to have financial security before we have kids. This desire makes sense, but I don't particularly want to wait until we've got ample amounts of money saved and aren't in debt, which is what it sounds like he wants. Joel is a big fan of Suze Orman, so I hear a lot about the financial advice she gives people, and one thing I've heard her say that I think is wise is that you should have enough money saved to pay your bills for ten months if something happens and you lose all income. So I would say that if Steve wants savings before you have kids, then that would be a good number to shoot for.

    My younger brother got married when he was 19. His wife was 18. She doesn't have a job, never has, and he works at University of Phoenix. They had my nephew eight months after the wedding. Neither of them had any savings to speak of, and they were in pretty bad debt for a while, but since then, they've paid off all their credit card bills, they have a nice apartment, and they're financially stable. I can definitely understand the desire for financial stability prior to having kids, but if you're smart with your money, it's not the end of the world if you don't have money saved before you get pregnant.

    That was long and rambly, I'm sorry. I hope you and Steve can come to some kind of agreement about this. You would be a good mommy!
     
  3. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm 18, unmarried and without kids.

    However, I know of plenty of penniless people that have had children and survived comfortably.

    My parents, for a start, had next to nothing when they had my brother, and not a whole lot more when they had me.

    One of my friends has had a baby early and she only had money from her part-time job to support her, and therefore had to rely on her mother's help.

    I don't think there will ever be a time where you're completely, reliably stable for a child - unless you were a multi-millionaire.

    What it takes is a lot of sacraficing - there will be things that you have to go without in order to give your child the best, and that's unavoidable. There will always be extra costs that you hadn't even thought of, and you will always have to make cut backs.

    (I'm only saying this from learning about my parent's experience - I don't mean to say that I know any more than you do, because I know alot less.)

    The best thing to do is just make sure that you've got a roof over your heads, cash coming in regularly and room to keep the baby at home. Also, you need to be emotionally stable and have people you can rely on around you.

    From what I know of you Mina, you have all those things - as well as a genuine, loving desire to care for a child. I think Steve is just scared. If you want my (Very humble) opinion, I'd say just go for it. You'd make a fantastic mum :) Sieze the moment.
    I guess that's the point of my contribution - nothing I've said will have been anything you didn't know.
    I just wanted to say, I think now's the time, and I'd very much look forward to seeing you as a mother.
     
  4. Lavarian
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    Lavarian Contributing Member Contributor

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    I support my daughter just fine on a probably lower than standard full time income. Kids really don't have to be that expensive.
    If Steve is unwilling, just "forget" to take your pill. ;)
     
  5. wordwizard
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    wordwizard Contributing Member

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    I had a child at 18. My husband was 19 and changing oil for a living.I only knew him for 3months before I got pregnant. We lived with his parents for about two years.

    we now own our own buisness, are luckily still in love 7 years later, and have another child on the way. Certainly no fairytale beginning, but I would not change it for anything.

    Your body is equipped to have children younger. For your health and any furture babies health, I hope your husband sees all these positives rather than focusing on the negatives.

    It is so true when people say that there is never a good time to have a baby. If it is not one thing, it is another.

    This is your life too, your decision too. Take charge!
     
  6. Destin
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    Destin Senior Member

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    Don't let him push you back any further. The deal was made, just tell him it's time. I was the same way with my wife, constantly saying, "Just wait until we have Object A."(whatever the flavor of the month may have been at the time)

    Now she's about to pop. It's amazing what you can accomplish in less than 9 months. Once the baby is on the way it's like a world-shift, you just make it a priority and get what you need for when he arrives.

    As for money, I would say if you guys can scrounge up $1000 over the next 9 months you will easily be able to get what you need. We went a little on the crazy side when it came to buying stuff for the baby, but we also priced out the less-expensive stuff and if you don't mind getting a few used items, $1000 will buy you A LOT of baby stuff.

    Oh, and now that he's almost here, I couldn't be more excited. I've already been looking at bikes! I'm sure your husband will be the same.
     
  7. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    I had my last daughter at 37. I had plenty of energy for her so age wasn't an issue, but of course I didn't have any health problems or trouble conceiving.

    Having a child can take a pretty big toll on your relationship--just be warned that it sometimes drives couples futher apart rather than bringing them together, although hopefully the rift isn't permanent. Are you prepared to face this challenge, since it seems your husband may not be ready?

    It's true that babies aren't all that expensive really--as long as they don't have any learning or health difficulties. It's usually later on they get expensive--we're still paying for my 29yr old's wedding, and that was a year ago.

    Even though I've just said that babies aren't sooooo expensive, some money is required all the same. If I'd known that my husband would go bankrupt when my youngest was only four, I wouldn't have had a third child.

    BUT I'M SOOOOOOOOO GLAD I DID! Call me biased, but my kids are the most fantastic girls in the universe and have brought me endless joy in spite of the troubles we've lived through. So, if a child, then a teenager (not a 'baby'--the state of babyhood is really short, blink and it's finished) is what you want, go for it, but you'll need to be strong mentally and physically.

    Oh, and DON'T EVER 'forget' to take your pill. That's a really dirty trick that he may hold against you for years and could affect his attitude to your pregnancy really badly. Don't ever turn this into a war.

    Good luck.
     
  8. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    As for our current financial situation...we don't have anything in savings. But, we own the house with no mortgage. I will have my car paid off in March. His car is paid for. He has two credit cards that have balances on them that he is hoping to pay off by January. We have health insurance. My mom has agreed to do free daycare. She has already bought enough baby clothes for outfit several future grandchildren (she also dresses the babies at the local homeless shelter). I just...don't think we are that bad off. But I can't convince him. And..I can;'t betray him by not taking my pills.
     
  9. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    Mina, it's your happiness at stake. If you feel ready to be a mother then you should be a mother. Aslo, if you know that financially you'd be stable enough to have a child, then surely he's just backing out on the pact you made?
    That doesn't sound fair to me. I understand if he doesn't feel ready, but you know what they say - 'A woman falls in love with her baby from the start of pregnancy, and a man falls in love with the baby when it's born'. Or something along those lines.
    Why should you have to go without just because he's scared? You're already married, stable and in love. It's not like it's an outrageous proposal to start a family...
     
  10. Lavarian
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    Lavarian Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's true. The gravity of the situation never hit me until I saw Natalie for the first time. I couldn't stop crying.
     
  11. Destin
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    Destin Senior Member

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    Whoa! You guys are SET! Mortgage free? Car paid off before the baby comes? Free child care? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!

    But agreed, I would not betray him by stopping the pill. I don't know what your relationship is like, but my wife sometimes hints at things and doesn't confront me directly and subsequently I don't understand how important some things are to her. Try this if you haven't already. Sit him down, look him in the eye, and tell him you want a baby. Tell him you guys aren't getting any younger. Remind him how much better off you are than most people who have kids.
    If that doesn't work, bring him around some kids. If a friend of yours has kids, spend time with them. Leave him alone with the father of those kids. That's what eventually convinced me. When I saw how much fun he was having I knew I needed to join the club.:D
     
  12. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Trickery would be a marriage wrecker.
     
  13. afinemess
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    afinemess Active Member

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    just some things that save money with babies: breast feeding and cloth diapering. Not for everyone of course, but they do save alot of money.

    But the truth of the matter is, this is something that both parties need to be fully commited too. When the baby is up every 3 hours for the first few months, and only one is willing to get up because the other didn't really want it, then well, that makes for some trying times. I thought spending most of the first three years of our marriage in seperate countries was hard, but it was nothing compared to the stress of having a child. And ours was planned. Yet still, when I was really tired and begging for help, there were nights where the phrase "but you wanted this..." was thrown back at me, and I was tempted to get out the iron skillet and take it to his head.

    There is nothing like having a child though, it's a crazy feeling that can't be described in words. I think if you sit down, crunch some numbers and tell your hubby how your feeling, you may be surprised to find he's ready too. Good luck! ;)
     
  14. Lavarian
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    Lavarian Contributing Member Contributor

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    Oh, yeah. That was by no means a serious suggestion. :redface:
     
  15. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    Carmina, I know many people who say that they don't want children until they have a certain amount of money coming in each week because children cost 'x' amounts of dollars and you can't afford them if you don't make said amount. It really is bollocks.

    Every day people are giving birth and even those who have very little are giving birth and their children are being brought up extremely well.

    Myself for example, we don't make a great deal of money, for a while, I was living off of $1800 a month on my own, renting a house and all that huff. But I still was able to afford to support my children, myself, go away on weekends, and put my son through his first year of school. Some people say that isn't enough, but hell, my kids have NEVER gone without.

    They have more clothing than a child really needs and they have a mountain of food on their plate every single day. I was even paying out a lot of money to travel to the city monthly to take my daughter to a specialist and my son to the city to see his specialist. Each time it cost me hundreds of dollars, but I did fine and my kids are doing fantastic.

    Yes, you do need to be able to support your child, you do need money coming in, but people must be realistic when it comes to finances and children. They don't cost you a billion dollars every year. They won't bankrupt you unless you raise spoilt brats and give them everything and more on a 24 carrot gold platter and then throw in an oil rig for pocket money. Seriously, your partner needs to relax about having children a bit.

    I think that you and your partner must sit down and have a serious discussion about where you are going in regards to children. He has to understand that a woman's clock does eventually run out and that you are the one that has to be able to carry the baby, give birth to the baby and then have the energy to run around after the baby. Besides, breastfeeding a baby is free and honestly, children don't cost as much as people make them out to cost. I don't spend a gazillion dollars on my kids each week. They don't need a billion toys, a massive wardrobe, designer clothing and bottles and dummies or a tv in their room and all that materialistic garbage. Kids need the bare essentials, and all the love in the world.
     
  16. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    I didn't have any savings either darling, and my kids have everything they need and more. NEVER stop taking your pills and trick him, you want your baby conceived in love, not deception. Also, sounds like you have a great support network in your mother. So I really don't see what is stopping him. You've got the main things you need to have a child. Love, each other, a home, and support. Plus, I am sure that a baby won't break your budget, they are really quite cheap. Hell I had added expenses with this pregnancy of being flown out all the time and Dan needing a place to stay, food and fuel to get to the city all the time, and we still have our heads well above water. Tell your man to stop stressing so much.

    That I don't believe, every man I have ever known in my time has loved their baby before it was born (except my moron of an ex). I think people only say this because the mother has a very special bond with their child as they carry the child. But fathers love their unborn just as much as the mother does. I hate it how people always use that quote, because it is false in many cases.
     
  17. Lavarian
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    Lavarian Contributing Member Contributor

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    I loved my Natalie before she was born. However, the reality of it all didn't really hit me until I saw her. Once I saw her I knew that I would do everything in my power to protect her. If you'd have asked me before she was born, I would have said the same thing, but I didn't feel the overwhelming emotion until I saw her face to face.

    Does it make me a bad father?
    Perhaps.

    I think the quote is partly true, but can be easily misunderstood.
     
  18. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    sadly, it's not true for all men!... and from my experience and observation, probably not even for most... so it's not a good idea to use this as an assurance that a reluctant father will do much, if any changing [mind, or diapers!], after the fact...

    my bona fides: i've been married twice, had 7 kids...

    from what you say, carmina, i'd be willing to bet your hubby just isn't that wild about having kids, period... in fact, he's probably dead set against it, but is afraid to be honest about it with you, so instead, he keeps putting this and that condition in the way... and if that's true, you'd be doing all involved a major disservice, to have any...

    having children shouldn't be just something you want to do for yourself, since bringing a child into a 'family' where it's not wanted by both parents isn't doing the child any favors...

    having a baby that you'll see/feel your husband resent will harm him, you, and your marriage, along with not being good for the child...

    so,

    if you want to have a child just to have one, i have to say DON'T!

    if you both don't want to have a child together and both of you aren't ready to do so, DON'T!

    forget all that gluck about biological clocks and understand that all women don't have to be child-bearers... and to bring a child into an unstable home, and/or one where it's not wanted by one of its parents is the just about the worst thing you can do in life...

    i speak from both the wisdom of a long lifetime of observation and from personal experience... if you want to discuss this further with me, let's not do it here... feel free to email me any time...

    love and consoling hugs, maia
     
  19. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    That's basically what I was trying to say with that quote. It's a common quote and fairly old - I'm not saying it's gospel, but I think there's truth in it.

    A woman is forced to accept that she's pregnant and that she's creating a new life inside her. A man won't necessarily believe it with the same amount of emotion before the birth as he would after. I'm not saying it isn't there, but I'd say it was there more so after the birth. Unless they're the kind of men that reject their responsibility....in which case, they aren't real men if you ask me.

    Not that I know anything. When I eventually have children I will expect my husband to have as much love and appreciation for our unborn child as I will. (Providing I don't undergo some awful psychological trauma and start denying my own pregnancy...yikes). Still, I have a fair opinion I feel, even though I can't say any of this from experience at all.


    What I was really trying to get across with that quote, though, is that Steve might not realise right now how much a child could do for you both. Perhaps he's just scared and convincing himself, and you, that having a baby would be completely impractical. You say that Steve suffers alot of depression - what if having a baby reveals to him a new sense of meaning in life that he never knew he could have before? On the other hand, he may truly not be ready and there's something deeper going on inside his mind regarding a baby. I think the only way you'll ever know is by seriously discussing it...unfortunately, you can't always guarantee that he'll want to respond.

    I agree with everyone else, though - as much as I'd love to see you as a mumma, you should both agree to have a child. So, I guess you should wait until he starts seeing some positives.

    Good luck, Mina. You deserve to be happy. :)
     
  20. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    You may have to sit down with Steve and have a "Cut the bull****, what is your real problem with becoming a father" talk. It won't be pleasant, but it will get things out in the open. There's no guarantee it will get you what you want, but right now you seem to be at an impasse, and I don't see much hope for that changing without really shaking things up.
     
  21. NaCl
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    NaCl Contributing Member Contributor

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    Carmina, I agree with mammamaia. Your situation has little to do with "bioclocks", finances or agreements. There is obviously a hidden agenda that the two of you have yet to address. Try counseling. You don't want to bring a child into a home where both parties are not enthusiastic about childrearing.
     
  22. TWErvin2
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    TWErvin2 Contributing Member Contributor

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    I did not get married until I was 28 (my wife is a couple years younger). We did not have our first child until I was 34. Our second child when I was 40.

    We waited until we were more financially stable (credit cards paid off, settled into a house, stable employment). But to be honest, from my husband perspective, I never felt fully read or prepared. It was just something that we had agreed was a priority prior to marriage, and it did take my wife to get me off the 'maybe not quite yet' mark.

    Even if you win the lottery (if you play) there will always be a rationalized reason to wait just a little bit longer. So, I agree mainly with Mammamaia and NaCl, that you should consider a serious discussion and get it hashed out. I don't know the relationship between you and your husband (how you decide upon big decisions and such) but hinting and hoping probably won't make either side happy.

    From my perspective, for me, it was a real commitment, realizing the responsiblity and I did not take it lightly. I suspect that is also a part of what your husband is concerned about. On the other hand, I acknowledge (as I can't fully understand) your concern about a clock ticking. I am not sure your husband does as well.

    Bottom line is that bringing a child into the world should be a team effort. Hang in there and looking for it to work out for you.

    Terry
     
  23. Gigi_GNR
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    Gigi_GNR Guys, come on. WAFFLE-O. Contributor

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    Since I never want kids (oh god, never never never), I can't say much on the subject, but I agree with what everyone else has been saying. I definitely think you should look him in the eye, tell him that it IS time, and because you are so well off I don't think there's any time better. You would be a fantastic mom, and I definitely think now is the time.
     
  24. breakingwave
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    Hello, I have a variety of perspectives on this subject. First I know how difficult it is to want a child and wait for that event to happen. I have always wanted children in my life for as long as I can remember, yet during my first marriage I was unable to conceive and it took me 4 years for it to happen. It was very difficult to watch my friends become parents as I was unable to do so. A miracle happened and then I became a mother to a daughter, an only child.

    I loved watching my child grow and then while she was in college she became pregnant to a daughter herself, and she and her boyfriend at the time became married. He did not want a child and it began a very difficult relationship. This became more complicated as my daughter continued to become pregnant to the tune of three during their 7 year relationship.

    What we discovered was that she was more in love with birthing children then having the responsibility of them and after watching both she and her husband neglect them for many years we received legal custody after a long and painful court decision.

    She went on to marry another man and had two more children, 5 in all and continued the same behavior and has now also lost custody of those two.

    I mention this because I know both sides of this, as to how challenging it can be to bring these miracles into the world and yet how heartbreaking it is to be close to someone who does not have the same feeling.

    Babies are wonderful but they are also people who tend to carry a great deal of responsibility and have the right to grow into adults feeling as though they are going to be taken care of.

    I hear how much this means to you and only you know how much it means to your partner. That doesn't mean that you alone can't make that happen and if you choose to do so, more power to you. I bless you for having that love, but I know that no matter how much we want those we love to be ready, it has to happen on their terms.
     
  25. SonnehLee
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    SonnehLee Contributing Member Contributor

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    I agree with Cogito. But other than that, I really don't have anything to add to this conversation.
     

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