1. lexievelyn8179
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    lexievelyn8179 New Member

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    Read and ask questions please!

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by lexievelyn8179, May 3, 2011.

    Unfortunately, as I describe it, it sounds like a mixture of Harry Potter and Avatar: The Last Airbender. I was hoping to get people to not necessarily tell me if they'd read it, because I'd still write it for me if nothing else, but rather ask questions that would enable me to think more in depth from more than just my point of view.

    The story is about a 14 year old girl named Rae who lives with her single mother in a bed and breakfast which also doubles at the town breakfast diner. The town has everything that most do, a city hall, a post office, a public school, etc. The difference being that near the outskirts is a large, fenced in private school. Due to her dad being a teacher (he and her mother have been divorced for years, long story) at the school (McBreene), she is able to go there. The school itself has dorms, but since she lives so close, she stays at home and attends daily.

    Anyway, it isn't until she gets to McBreene that she realizes things aren't as they seem. When she goes to the school library to do research, she gets drawn into the magic world that has been hidden from her her whole life.

    In this particular world everyone has a Core in which their magic originates. It's just a matter of how strongly in tune with yours you are. These Cores are the different elements: earth, fire, water, and air. Say a person has a fire core, they can do spells that require fire the best; however, they can still, with immense practice, do magic involving the either core close to fire, air and earth, but never water. Does that make sense?

    Every hundred years or so, one person is born with a complete core, meaning all four elements. This is the only way a person can have control of all the elements. Rae, as well as the founder of McBreene three hundred years before, has a complete Core.

    The year Rae starts at McBreene, they are celebrating the 250th anniversary of the school opening. Strange things happen throughout the school as the year progresses, and eventually the villain kidnaps her to try and perform a ceremony of some sort. I have yet to figure out what that is exactly.
     
  2. wicked_poppies
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    wicked_poppies Member

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    Yes, this sounds like Harry Potter and Airbender mixed together. However, Charlie Bones is a lot like Harry Potter too, and it’s somewhat successful. It may be similar in formula, but I think if you make it your own it could work. I like that your version of magic isn’t too complicated. However, your characters are limited if they can only do things involving elements. The only thing that concerns me is that you plan on having someone try and kidnap her as part of the climax, and that is similar to HP when voldy tries to kill Harry in the end of book 1. Also, your main character has a full “core”, so even in a world of magic she’s exceptional, and so will probably be well known, like HP.
     
  3. Killer300
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    Killer300 Active Member

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    Have you considered maybe adding two new elements? I think your story could do with some creativity injected into it so it can stand out. The two new elements could be life and death, or order and chaos. Or something completely bizarre. The point is, go beyond the four basic elements. Have six basic, and to seperate more from both HP and Avatar the Last Air Bender, give your main character more complexity, like perhaps that divorce was particularly traumatizing, or maybe she outright caused the divorce. Or maybe she has schizophrenia. The point all of this is that you story is too similar right now, but it could easily be broken away from its source material with some clever additions.
     
  4. lexievelyn8179
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    lexievelyn8179 New Member

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    Well, I actually have yet to come up with a suitable ending. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with it. Some things have come to mind, but that one comes up most. I don't know how I feel about it though. As for being well known, all that is known is that someone in this generation is potentially it.
     
  5. Lord Malum
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    Lord Malum Senior Member

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    Almost all ideas have done before. Mixing successful stories together with your own added elements is nothing new. Just make it your own, write well, and have confidence. This is a wonderful idea and you should pursue it.
     
  6. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    A story concept means nothing. I can tell you now, it has all been done before. What matters is how you write it, the characterization, the flow, the imagery, all of it.

    There's no benefit in asking what other people think of the concept! They'll either say,"Sounds great," or, "it sounds like a ripoff of..."

    If the idea stirs you, write it. Then ask people what they think of the final story. After they tell you what they don't like about it, revise it, usually several times, until you're happy with it or until you throw up your hands and say the hell with it.

    Please read What is Plot Creation and Development?
     
  7. KK Twain
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    KK Twain New Member

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    While I like some of the ideas, I personally dislike the whole "transported to a fantasy world" idea. It just feels really unrealistic and unexplained to me... I don't know why, since I adore Harry Potter and other fantasy stories.

    So anyway, is it really necessary to have two different worlds to go between? Avatar took place entirely in a fantasy world, while HP took place on earth. If you wanted an earth-like setting, you can have a highly developed world with some magic... or you can have secret magic societies within earth. I'd even prefer transportation to a dream realm, or something like that... (By the way, this is totally personal preference. If you really like this idea, that's great. I'm just voicing a single opinion here.)

    Aside from that, I do think the concept is interesting. Cliche isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's the execution of the story that matters. You need more planning, obviously (figure out what those villains want!) but you're off to a good start.
     
  8. lexievelyn8179
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    lexievelyn8179 New Member

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    Each of the elements have more to them than just the usual. For example, if a person had earth, they could possibly do the usual stuff and move earth as well as control plants and vines. They could even pull a person underground. But in addition to the big stuff, there are little things that fall under any, or multiple cores.

    There is a way to make a person more powerful by relinquishing a core to a person, or by having it ripped out of them. I was thinking of the big bad having a water core. When his parents were on their death beds, they relinquished their cores to him and his brother. This causing him to have a water and, now, air core. His greedy nature loved the idea of gaining more power, and he tried finding other means of gaining more elements.

    As for the divorce, it was caused indirectly by her having a complete core. Her parents figured it out somehow (I've yet to figure out the hows of that while keeping it a secret from everyone else), and her father moved out to keep her safe. Her father is the big bad's twin brother.

    As for the alternate world thing, funny you mention it because I've been wrestling with whether I really want it as a hidden world here or in an alternate world as advanced as ours if not more so because of magic.
     
  9. coreylellison
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    coreylellison New Member

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    I actually really like this idea, but I agree that there needs to be some sort of distinguishing factor. I like the aspect of being able to possibly relinquish cores to others, but if this is the case, it sort of defeats the purpose of having someone with a "complete core", as someone else could gain similar things through gifts, like the villain having a core of water and air. Maybe, you could make the giving of cores your distinguishing factor. I think it would make for an interesting story if the various elements were separated into separate schools, hidden from one another. Maybe the villain could be searching for the schools, and one by one, obtaining the different cores. I feel it would make an interesting conflict if the leaders of Rae's particular school decide to actively prevent him/her from continuing his/her quest, and thus Rae is dragged into it. I may be totally off base for what you're aiming for, but feel free to ask for any more ideas!
     
  10. JimFlagg
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    JimFlagg Contributing Member

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    If you don't know how the story is going to end then ask your self what the conflict is. If there is a villain then the story ends with the villain dieing or coming over to the "Dark Side"...I mean good. It is a children's story after all or is it? You don't have to have a villain but you need a conflict so if it is person verses self then you could go the rout of self discovery. Resisting the erg to exploit your powers and so on. Usually with these stories you need some one close like a friend or infatuation. Harry's Ron if you will.

    I hope this helps.
     
  11. Mallory
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    Mallory Mallegory. Contributor

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    I really like your overall idea, and I don't think it seems like a ripoff in the least. The only thing about it that makes me iffy is the four elements. The whole air/fire/water/earth thing seems contrived to me. I think the power system should be something you make your own.
     
  12. Earlychop
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    Earlychop Member

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    Rather than going with the whole fire/water/air/turd motif, why don't you go for something more primal - say dark and light cores? Or how about Animus and Alimus core's for girls and boys respectively. You could go more film-noir and make it slightly more sinister than the pg-13 potter world.

    :)
     
  13. teacherayala
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    teacherayala Contributing Member

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    I agree. I read a juvenile fiction book called Circle of Magic, and there were the four elements and they could combine their powers by turning them into "strands" and weaving them together. I mean, the "core" idea is an interesting variation, but it is enough of a variation? I'm not quite sure.

    I don't want to discourage you from writing your novel, but maybe you should sketch out some further ideas to address this issue.
     
  14. JimFlagg
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    JimFlagg Contributing Member

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    I rather like the idea of every one having Magical abilities at their "Core". Most magic fantasies talk about the select few who have magic. With the idea everyone has it just some are better at accessing it than others takes away that bias of the haves and havenots.

    The story does sound a little like The Last Air Bender with the one child that has command of all the elements. I still think the story should have a villian so that you can have a conflict and a conclusion to your story. Maybe have another child some where else that has the same ability to control all of the elements but the difference is that he does not think he needs friends because he can control all of the elements. You could create a culture that because most every one has a mono elemental control, that they seek out matching partners were with their powers combined become stronger. (I know Captain Planet)

    Its your story so tell it any way you want, just some humble suggestions.
     

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