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  1. k.little90
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    k.little90 Active Member

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    So there's this guy....

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by k.little90, Aug 31, 2009.

    Sorry, everyone. I'm just having a sad night, and putting things on paper (computer) where I can see it and chew over it always seems to help.

    We have been the best of friends since we were 14, and have dated on and off for the last 4 years. Each time we get into something, I get my heart broken, either by his lack of commitment or his fear of showing emotion. We've never kissed. It took us 6 months to hold hands. And even as I say this I smile, because he is the only person I have ever dated that can send shivers up my spine by just holding my hand. I catch my breath everytime he enters the room. We spend hours talking about everything from religion to what we think is the most effective way to train a horse. I think that is why I go back again and again to him.

    I want to make it clear that I understand that this relationship isn't exactly... healthy, so to speak. Like I said before, he has huge commitment issues and a hard time showing emotion. A large part of each is due to his fear of screwing up like his older brothers, one of which got his girlfriend pregnant at 17, the other of which got married at 18 only to suffer a messy divorce involving three kids 5 years later. He's trying to protect me from himself, and in so doing, he ends up hurting me more.

    I've convinced myself that I can just be friends with him (which is probably better for my heart at this point) but I feel like he doesn't treat me like he appreciates me being a friend. I've been trampled on by a lot of friends in the past little while, and when I needed someone to turn to because I was broken and bleeding, I felt like he wasn't there for me when I needed him to be. I even went as far as to specifically say "I need your help. I'm hurting and I don't know what to do." Admitting that I need help is extremely hard for me, so when he did nothing about it I felt like he had ripped my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, picked it up, bleeding, and gave it back to me, all the while saying "Sorry, I didn't mean to."

    I haven't really said anything to him about how I'm frustrated with the way he is treating me. If I seem angry around him, I make up excuses when he asks what's wrong, or I tell him I'm just burnt out. All this supressed emotion is ripping me apart.

    He is leaving on his mission in 3 days. I want to tell him now, or else I feel like it will just fester until I explode and I will end up writing him a very hurtful letter or something of the like.

    Here's my problem: How do I tell him? Like I said, he's leaving on his mission for 2 YEARS, and the thought of that is kind of screwing with his head, so he is extremely stressed out and lost at the moment. I don't want to add to his stress, but I also don't want to have all of this pent up anger inside of me for 2 whole years. Do I spill it all? Should I tell him that because he is trying so hard to suppress his emotions, he is making me feel unappreciated as a ANYTHING to him, including a friend? Do I tell him that I'm angry that he has broken my heart so many times, especially since I gave him a chance to be my friend again after each incident?

    Forgive and forget seems to be a good way to live life, but how much is too much? When should I walk away?
     
  2. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    I have no good advice for this situation. Dudes about to leave on their missions are dangerous ground...I just did my best to avoid them back in my dating days.

    I think trying to talk to him about how your feeling would be best in the long run for you. What's best for him, on the other hand, may be the opposite. If you just want to talk to him about feeling like he's not being a good friend to you, though, I don't think that's too big a deal. If you were talking about spilling your undying love for him and asking him to profess his love back, I would caution you against it. But this...I don't know. If you really, really feel like you need to get it off your chest, I would talk to him about it. Nothing like holding on to something like that for two years to ruin a friendship.

    To be honest, if you've been feeling this way for a while, you probably shouldn't have waited until he was leaving on his mission in three days to decide you wanted to talk to him about it. But you probably don't need me to tell you that.

    Good luck, whatever you decide!
     
  3. Forkfoot
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    Forkfoot Contributing Member Contributor

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    Dear Smarting in Smalltown,
    Four years off and on and you've never kissed? Have you tried putting the moves on him? Women can do that now. Forget words, girl, say it with suga!
     
  4. shawsend
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    shawsend Active Member

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    Jesus, you're 18. Just break it off and start dating other guys. A good one is hard to find, so it's unlikely this one is a keeper. A girl's got no other choice but to date a bunch of them and hope she gets lucky.
     
  5. Gigi_GNR
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    Gigi_GNR Guys, come on. WAFFLE-O. Contributor

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    Oh geez. This is incredibly tough, and I'm sorry for all the hurt you're feeling. :(


    You feel he's being unresponsive and trying to protect you from himself. You should definitely TELL him before he leaves. Ask if he has a minute and sit him down, and tell him how you feel. Don't just say "You're unresponsive" and leave it at that. Tell him more of how it makes you feel, tell him how he can improve, tell him that you two together doesn't have to be a scary thing, if you want to stay boyfriend/girlfriend. Tell him friendship works as well, because it probably does.

    If he responds well and actually seems like he wants to keep you around him as his girlfriend or friend, and seems to want to change, then you two should start working on it. After he leaves, you can keep in touch some way, I'm sure. Write to each other every day, call every day if you can do either. Work on it. If both of you want to change what's going on, the absence will bring you closer together.

    If he doesn't respond positively, it's a lost cause. He won't be good to you as either a friend or boyfriend, and leaving for two years doesn't help the situation any. You're 18--find someone new!


    That's all I have.
     
  6. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Your relationsip witj him is just a friendship at this point. He has notr committed to you, and it doesn;t sound like you have committed to him either. Under those circumstances, I'd say don't change the relationship just because he is going on tour.

    Both of you are free to see other people. Each of you should be happy if the other finds happiness with someone else.

    When he is ready to commit to someone, he will. If that never happens, it's still his choice.
     
  7. losthawken
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    losthawken Author J. Aurel Guay Role Play Moderator Contributor

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    Because you are only in a 'friendship' I would go with the forgive and forget policy. But it seems like yo might still be blurring the lines a little...

    I don't consider my friends as having any obligation to help me with my struggles. I don't think most men think in those terms either (any input here from my brothers?). That's what spouses and family are for, cuz they HAVE to love you (assuming they are not screwed up). Friendships are dynamic; they ebb and flow in closeness. It shouldn't be too surprising that he wasn't able to be there for you at one particular time. I say, just let it chill and be friends - with no expectations - the time apart might be good for you. You will both certainly be VERY different people in two years.

    If you want a dating relationship, I'd say the same because two years is a long time when you are 18, and A LOT will happen. I dated my GF long distance for four years while at separate colleges in separate states. By the time we were done school we were both very different people than when we had started dating. But we were still interested in each other and in the end got married. I think it was a very smart way to do it because we were able to grow as individuals as we progressed into adulthood. Anyway, that was almost 6 years ago.

    Don't give up on Love.
     
  8. gslack
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    gslack Contributing Member

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    hi K.

    You seem like a very thoughtful and considerate person. You would have to be to even write about it. So in the fact you are these things, I feel you know yourself far better than any of us can. You said you fear blowing up later if you hold it in, then perhaps telling him would be the best option for the both of you.

    Im a very forward person on my feelings always have been. So I appreciate when someone confronts like that. Sure I may be upset at first or think it an unfair thing at the time, but when its settles in and I am forced to see the truth, I'm always better for it. And I feel both of you will be as well.

    Good luck regardless your decision. it seems in your heart you know what you need to do.
     
  9. k.little90
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    k.little90 Active Member

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    Yeah I guess you're right about the obligation thing. My biggest issue with that is that he has come to me in similar situations and expects help from me as a friend. I was angry and hurt because when it came to me needing it he pretty much blew me off. I'm normally pretty easy going, so all things things i'm talking about have happened several times before I've even considered brining it up.

    I know that I probably just need to be like "Peace..." and leave him to his life and move on with mine, but like I said before, he is my best friend. I do think it will be nice to have a break from each other for a while though.

    Ps I know this is silly... but I'm getting near 20. 18 was a while ago for me guys lol :D
     
  10. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    Please, please move on. My sister wasted 18 yrs of her life waiting for her 'true love' (all of us could see he was unable to offer anything of himself) to commit. DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE ON HIM.
    A lot can happen in 2 yrs. If there's still a spark (and not only on YOUR side) when you eventually meet again, well good. In the meantime, stop thinking about this person and keeping everything on hold, stop thinking that you have been assigned by fate to each other. The real world is not like this.
     
  11. k.little90
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    k.little90 Active Member

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    So here's an update on what happened with me and my friend. Drum roll, please....

    He left on his mission today, and I didn't say anything about how I feel.

    Thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth getting into it right before he drops of the surface of the earth for two years. So when I saw him, I told him that I was proud of him and left it at that.

    But...

    I've decided that it's not worth this kind of stress to have a relationship. If he isn't going to make a move, then he can get bent. I'll still be his friend, but nothing more. He lost his chance and I'm not waiting anymore.

    Anyway, thanks for all the help guys. My dramatic little episode is over lol :p
     
  12. ValianceInEnd
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    ValianceInEnd Active Member

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    Good for you! Glad you finally got that burden up and out of your life. :)
     
  13. shawsend
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    shawsend Active Member

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    Well good for you. I mean what, you can't be waiting on those guys forever. That's humbug! And a dime a dozen too! So change your hair, buy a new dress, and go out with your friends. Like I said, it's not easy finding a good one, and guys often pretend to be something they're not just to attract you. Don't trust them. Just date them, try and find out what they're really like, and learn how to spot red flags that signal a problem. And when you see a red flag, don't keep him anyway like most women do. Rather, just move on.
     
  14. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    good for you :)
     
  15. Anabella
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    Anabella Member

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    I just read the entire thread and just wanted to say - You did the right thing. Putting yourself first in these situations is the best way to go.
     

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