The Not Happy Thread

Woke up with anxiety today. I have a lot of stuff to do at work, and next week it'll just be little me working on the project. Oh dear God. ;__;

 

Woke up with anxiety today. I have a lot of stuff to do at work, and next week it'll just be little me working on the project. Oh dear God. ;__;

 

You will be just fine - I feel like this every other day at least.

 

My life has been really up and down for the past two months. My issues are pretty damn petty and small, not to mention that most of them are my own fault, but they're issues nonetheless.


Okay. For starters, I was recently banned from a different online forum recently because I made some emotional and rude outbursts at the userbase of the site. I felt like I was being attacked by the users there because most of the opinions I expressed were unpopular and I would shrivel up and back down whenever someone opposed my view. I got called a lot of names (f***ing moron, human waste container, etc.), but I was never really being attacked, I was just being over-sensitive.

What makes matters worse is that I wanted attention so when I made a thread expressing my frustration that got shut down before anyone could respond, I lingered on the site to keep saying this stuff wanting a response. I've said I'd leave the site a couple of time but I was never able to get myself to actually leave. Even now I plan on appealing the ban because the forum in question I need to have access to (hobby stuff, not gonna get into it). The problem was not the community on the site, it was with me. I keep having these ridiculous emotional outbursts when I don't get enough sleep (I didn't get much sleep the past few nights and I've been noticeably agitated today), which is what resulted in me giving everyone on that site the finger and getting banned.


Secondly, there's this one girl at my school who makes me angry and sick to my stomach whenever I see her face. This of course is my fault. The previous school year, we took a dramatic writing (screenplay writing) class, which is what inspired me to start writing more. The semester afterwards, the same teacher was gonna do a filmmaking class, so me and the other girl's screenplays were put to a vote. She won, which I was fine with at first, probably because I had a crush on her for the longest time, and being a dewy eyed teenager I failed, to notice how bad the script actually was (in my opinion at least. Its good creepypasta material but otherwise...). Later on when I made a joke about her win I actually started to get angry about it.

On top of this, I was feeling very insecure (And still am to an extent) about girls, because quite frankly, I'm not good with them. I've asked out/confessed my feelings to like five girls over the course of four years, only one of which said yes, and it was great or awhile, but we like never saw each other over the summer and when school started we broke up because the magic was gone (she's still my best friend thankfully). So some of those "nice guys finish last" thoughts kept/keep going through my head and it makes me really angry. Anyhow, I took those insecurities out on this girl by saying nasty things about her script and being very critical of her, not realizing some serious stuff was happening in her life at the time. Eventually she blocked my number, and I was threatened to be kicked out of my school because it was technically harassment.

So now, every time I see her, I'm instantly pissed. Pissed at myself for what I did, pissed at her for being an annoying b*tch in general, and angry because now she's dating one of my best friends. I almost stopped being friends with my friend who's dating her because I feel so awful about this whole situation. I feel like a scumbag for all the stuff I did, which is why I'm having a hard time surviving this school year. Thank god I'm leaving the school I'm at after this because I'm moving across the country.


And just to make things interesting, I'm starting to think that I'm bisexual. This of course isn't a bad thing, the amount of people I can love just doubled, but having more homosexual feelings is new to me and I'm not sure if this is just something that's gonna pass or stick. Either way I regret nothing , I just feel a little weird about it because I feel like I would've noticed sooner.

Overall my life is just really weird right now and I'm pretty much just hanging on for as long as I can. The stupidest part is that these things are pretty much non-issues so I don't know why I'm blowing them out of proportion.

 

I'm suddenly very depressed.

My sister moved to England four years ago with her husband. Me and my sister were close growing up. Yeah, we fought, but I have a lot of good memories from childhood because of her. We lost our connection in high school. She was overly critical and judgmental, and I was (am) highly emotional. The two did not mix. Plus, she became really close to our two step sisters, which are closer to her age. I was constantly left out and felt unwanted. So to say our relationship fractured is an understatement. I was angry at the way she treated me. Jealous that she replaced me with our step sisters. Just bitter. We had such a huge argument once, I told her I didn't want a relationship with her anymore. We never fully recovered from that.

So when she moved, I was sad but didn't think it would be a big deal. She'd go, she'd come back, I'd be fine. I moved to Virginia the year after she left. I thought I could put her, my step sisters, my dad, all the hurt behind me and start a new life. But that's not how it happened. The longer I was away, the more I missed my family. The more I wanted to go home. I didn't realize how much I'd miss my family and my sister. I've only seen her twice since her move. Once the first year she left and once this past July. They had two kids over there too, and I just met the oldest one over the summer.

Well, she's finally home. And I'm not there. She's staying at my dad's with her husband, son, and daughter for two months before she moves to Wichita. Everyone will see her. My dad. My step sisters. My cousins. Everyone is going to get to spend time with her except me. I can't go. I work retail. I can't get time off right now. We can't even request off until the first of the year. I want to be there, but I can't.

My jealousy is coming out. My hurt. They all get to see her and spend time with her and be a family, and I'm stuck here. I've wanted nothing more than to just have a family my whole life, and I'm the reason I don't have it.

I just need to go to bed.

 

I applied for a housekeeping job a few week ago. This week they contacted me with setting up an interview today. I went down there and looked around. The people looked nice and the building wasn't that big, so it looked like an easy job for me. The supervisor and his boss came in and they seemed like a cool people. We even got to the point where they said that I was hired and what I would be doing and when I would start, but once they said the hours they wanted me to be there, my heart sank. They wanted me in between 1pm and 5pm. That would be great if my classes hadn't got in the way. My classes are between 1:50pm-4:45pm. I had to painfully reject the job.

 

Police. Cowards. The line between those two words is once again blurred. Throwing concussion grenades to unarmed protesters and making up lies to cover up their asses.

"The Morton County Sheriff’s Department has stated that she was injured by a purported propane explosion that the Sheriff’s Department claimed the unarmed people created. These statements are refuted by Sophia’s testimony, by several eye-witnesses..."

 

@big soft moose, would you mind stepping back thirty years or so, looking up teenage Iain, and giving him that advice? Thanks in retroactive advance...

 

My anxiety has decided to kick me in the ass at the absolute worst possible time: before bed on the night before I have to travel somewhere for Thanksgiving. It doesn't help that I made a mistake at my job today that my anxiety is, yes, still kicking at me about.

 

Awww. That's so sweet. We need more police like these... Wait, there are? Hurray!

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/san-antonio-police-officer-matthew-luckhurst-fired-homeless-man-feces-sandwich/

 

Whoever said that cops were just a bunch of aged high school bullies with badges?

 

True, true. It still depresses and pisses me off when stories like these happen.

 

With respect - your comment is a little, a little platitudinal. Research, if I could only find it, bears out fact, nee reality, that 'idiot wankers' are represented in a far greater proportion among military enthusiasts, cops and other bonehead lines of 'the lifestyle,' so-called.

 

I disagree. Based on my own experiences, I haven't found the proportion of assholes/wankers/whatever to be higher when dealing with police officers or former soldiers.

It's as @big soft moose says, any large group is going to have its share of wankerish characters.

 

Yes, of course...

nonetheless, a lazy & complacent pov. I only wanted to point out there were avenues for greater thought on the subject.

 

This is a very sensitive topic that is near and dear to what's left of my heart.

Yes, there is a general population of wankers in every society. You know, the types of people who fuck things up, the people responsible for why we can't have nice things...

These wankers are drawn to positions of power, military, police, politics, where they can get the most wankery in per day.

But, and this is where a hard line needs to be drawn, people in these positions of power need to be held to a higher, minimal amount of wankery, standard. Anything above this standard needs to be delt with quickly and severely. When you're given power over others, you need to live like you deserve it.

It's a very slippery slope to justify wankery in these positions, but also, denying any form will lead to new problems.

 

...found this nice line from - Alan Sillitoe, The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner, 1959, W.H Allen Ltd.

"Do you know what I'd do if I had the whip hand? I'd get all the coppers, governers, posh whores, army officers and members of parliament and I'd stick them up against this wall and let them have it 'cause that's what they'd like to do to blokes like us."

 

And I just found a fascinating piece on an unquoted quote I thought you missed, but didn't:
http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/11/07/rough-men/

 

I suppose that's where you come in with the teddy bear?

[Heh, heh heh, heh heh heeeh heeeh]