1. Seranum
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    Seranum New Member

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    Thor Sullivan: Vampire Commando

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by Seranum, Feb 2, 2011.

    So, I've had this idea for awhile, and I wanted to see if anyone thought it was good.

    The armies best agent, Thor Sullivan, is chosen to participate in an experiment and, naturally, he agrees. He goes in to meet them and they inject some sort of virus that makes him a vampire. The XY-56 virus. After they inject him, he goes completely mad. He escapes from the facility and is on the run. After years of hiding the army finally tracks him down, going by the name Seranum Blackhall. After tracking him down, he kills every one of them and runs, but only after he has a "tasty treat". The army finally sends someone qualified (they didn't know what they were dealing with until now), and he tracks Seranum down and "kills" him. He only uses a regular gun (only bronze bullets kill him), so after he shoots him Seranum is out for about a day before he finally wakes up. Seranum finally mans up, finds the head commando guy, kills him, and has a very good drink after that.

    I don't know if I should end it that way, or keep going. All help is appreciated :D
     
  2. Mallory
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    Mallory Mallegory. Contributor

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    Hey. :)

    Everyone's going to say this, so here goes: We can't determine if it'll be good based on a one-paragraph summary (or even a 10-page one if you provided it).

    The determining factor is the way you write it -- voice, characterization, making things believable, not resorting to annoying devices, etc.

    With that said, it has the potential to be quite good. Just don't make the vampires sparkly. No Twilight please. :)
     
  3. Seranum
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    Seranum New Member

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    Thanks :D
     
  4. Allegro Van Kiddo
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    Allegro Van Kiddo Contributing Member

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    Very entertaining thread title though.

    I suggest you take a shot at writing it.
     
  5. Seranum
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    Seranum New Member

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    Well, I think I might take a shot at writing a screenplay. What do YOU think?
     
  6. Allegro Van Kiddo
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    Allegro Van Kiddo Contributing Member

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    I've never done that, but go ahead.

    I think you should add some positives to Thor like he actually kills a lot of the enemy. Maybe he sees all military as the enemy in the end.
     
  7. Unit7
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    Unit7 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Ah yes the old Super Soldier gone awry set up.

    Sounds interesting. But its more about how you write it then the actual idea. It can either turn out great or it can turn out horrible. Some will also love the idea, some will not like it.

    As for the ending, well thats up to you. You could end it there or you could have the MC go after the scientist and military people in charge. But its something you have to figure out on your own.
     
  8. minstrel
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    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I'm afraid this sounds very generic to me. If you're a really terrific, imaginative writer, you could make it interesting, but if you're terrific and imaginative, you'd probably come up with a more original concept.

    Sorry. It doesn't do anything for me.
     
  9. jaywriting
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    jaywriting Member

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    Write it. Post it. Then we will know.
     
  10. Anonym
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    Anonym Contributing Member

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    I've never understood why anyone would risk their best agent/super soldier for an experiment with any significant chance of back-firing. Not that it hasn't been done & done well.

    Sounds quite intriguing, BUT: what is his motivation? Revenge against his former masters? A longing for freedom & solitude? An insatiable sanguine thirst?
    Or, as you said, does he remain "completely mad" the duration of the story? In which case I suppose motivation is unnecessary or insignificant, at the cost of relatability & character development - which, again, has been done & done well. I just prefer deeper characters myself.

    Anyhow, keep it up & good luck.
     
  11. nzric
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    nzric Active Member

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    So, Bourne Identity with teeth?

    The problem is that Vampires, as beings in literature, are predators. You have described a story where the vampire is prey, and the only strong motive for him to kill is to defend himself.

    Remember the vampire 'mythos' in fiction is very sophisticated nowadays. You need to find a way to do justice to the vampire side, otherwise cut out the vampire bit altogether and make it an action.
     
  12. impure
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    impure Member

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    Sounds nice.
    Just flesh out the back story a little bit and maybe add some plot twists.
     
  13. Pythonforger
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    Pythonforger Carrier of Insanity

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    Rule number 1 of Super Soldiers-Always, always escape and get revenge on your creators. Unless you're famous like John 117, then you're fanatically loyal.

    Seriously, though, why didn't the army just send out Fat Man V2 and own Thor? And does the army know about his bronze weakness?
     
  14. afrodite7
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    afrodite7 Senior Member

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    get more in depth with it, and please,don't give him that horrible name.
     
  15. guamyankee
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    guamyankee Contributing Member

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    Or maybe it's so bad it's good?
     

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