1. MainerMikeBrown
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    MainerMikeBrown Contributing Member

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    Those Who Think Getting Married Is A Bad Idea For Everybody

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by MainerMikeBrown, Nov 12, 2014.

    Some people whom I've met over the years have told me to "never get married."

    So because marriage didn't work out for them, then that must mean it won't work out for me?

    Marriage doesn't work out for some people. But for some others, it does. Hence, if I meet the woman of my dreams one day, I won't be too fearful of marrying her if we both feel the same way about each other.

    Although I'm almost 36 years old, getting married is not something I want quite yet. But someday, I would like to get married.
     
  2. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    I don't plan on getting married any time soon, but I'll keep the door open just in case.

    It all depends on the person, and those who were telling you to not get married must've regretted their own marriage from my perspective. Just because it sucked for them doesn't mean it'll suck for you.
     
  3. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    I don't intend to get married, I don't honestly see the point of it.
     
  4. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    To be honest, though, I like the single life. Having your own house to yourself, abiding by your own rules, and, as a guy, being as smelly and disgusting as you want without any repercussions. :D :p

    *ahem* Not that I'd ever do that, ladies. I make sure my place is cleaned and sterilized without going overboard.
     
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  5. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    I'd like to get married one day. It's good to have all those tax benefits that special someone you can spend the rest of your life with.
     
  6. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    I honestly feel weird if I don't shower every day, the only time when that hasn't happened was when I went camping. The only reason I was camping is because my girlfriend at the time thought it would be romantic. There was nothing romantic about the fact I was complaining about not being able to shower, and Pizza Hut wouldn't take 'You know that field ...' as directions. :p
     
  7. Lancie
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    Lancie Contributing Member

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    I've only thought about it now I've spent many years basically dating my best friend. We're in no rush, and even then it'll be a registry office and down the pub type of thing. It's just one of those things though; each to their own. If it's right, it's right. If it's not, it's not.
     
  8. Darkkin
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    Darkkin Reflection of a nobody Contributor

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    I keep an open mind, but hygiene is a prerequisite. Willingness to help with dishes is also apperciated. :-D
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2014
  9. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Those people saying "Never get married" have probably had bitter experiences or had loved ones who've been through bitter experiences. They're either afraid or bitter, I think. Also, these days, a lot of people are fearful of commitment.

    I grew up in the Christian community so, in general, when people date, they tend to have marriage in mind and they tend to start serious relationships. (how messed up or healthy it becomes eventually depends on the couple, of course - faith doesn't exempt you from problems or guarantee maturity) In any case, I was definitely brought up to view marriage as a good thing, and coming from a Chinese background, my parents always simply assumed we would get married, even should get married, and I've never questioned it. My own personality type prefers company over being alone, so marriage definitely works for me.

    I definitely believe it's better to be single than to be married to the wrong person. But these days people prize their freedom so much, they forget the good side of having the company. Sharing the load with your spouse, having someone who would make you tea when you're just knackered, having the company, having that physical intimacy with another human being, having someone who knows you inside out and still loves you, who gets you without you having to say much at all, if anything.

    Basically, married to the wrong person is certainly hell. But married to the right person - I see it as a kind of miracle really, but it does happen and when it does, it's wonderful.

    One thing I've learnt - how to know if this partner is good for you and/or good to marry. Watch how they treat people - your parents, their own parents, friends, and especially strangers. I've learnt that if someone is kind, you can't go too far wrong. Kindness covers over a multitude of sins, I find. Gentleness and kindness - you've probably got a good one if they're gentle and kind. (by gentle, I don't mean quiet and shy and soft-spoken necessarily, but simply someone with sensitivity, not too forceful, with strength like water that carefully moulds rather than burns or breaks)
     
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  10. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    Nope, speaking for myself I'm not bitter about anything, and nor am I afraid of commitment. I enjoy being in a long, comfortable relationship - I like commitment. I just don't like marriage, mostly because I don't see the point in it.
     
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  11. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    I think what Mckk was saying is that the people who say to your face, "don't get married" likely don't have any fond memories of being married to a now divorced spouse, or have had friends with horrid marriages or grew up with parents who were in a bad marriage and concluded that marriage wasn't worth it; that to be married is to condemn yourself to a lifetime of hell and misery.

    But I see what you're saying. Some people just don't wanna get married even if they never personally had, or have witnessed others have a bad marriage. They like the freedom of a single life where they're not tied down to anyone but themselves (and maybe a pet or two)
     
  12. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    I'm still not sure I'd say that, but fine.

    And yeah, being a bachelor is great. :) I want to find someone eventually, but today is maybe not that day.
     
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  13. chicagoliz
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    chicagoliz Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think that marriage is a great thing -- it is nice to have a stable relationship, someone to share the load with, someone to hang out with. Planning a social life isn't so hard -- I think when you're single, you really have to make a concerted effort to get out and see people and do things. When you're married (or in a long term, stable relationship) it's nice to always have that person to go do things with, go on vacation, talk with over dinner, share news and interesting tidbits with.

    However, I think that there is too much emphasis on getting married, and too many people focus on the idea that they should get married, and end up making a hasty decision. You should get married because you're with someone for so long or for such an intense time that you can't or really don't want to imagine being without them for the rest of your life. If you don't have that true love and commitment, then yes, marriage could become a living hell.

    There should be more acceptance of the idea that people can be fulfilled and happy while single -- I just happen to think that it takes more work, in some ways. (Although in other ways, marriage takes work, too, so perhaps it's a wash.)

    I think you really need 2 people to raise kids, too. (Not that single people aren't capable of doing a great job, or that sometimes, given the people involved the child is better off with only one parent, with less or none of the other parent). It makes no difference to me if it's a man and a woman or two women or two men, or even sometimes 2 people who are not romantically linked. But the fact is, kids are a lot of work. You seriously need someone to share the load and occasionally take over. Especially if you ever get sick.
    Plus it's nice financially. If one partner wants to try a business venture, or do freelance work, or do something really crazy like become a writer, it is nice to have another household member who contributes financially and is stable, so that if you lose a job, or the business venture fails, or it takes way too long for the reading world to discover what a brilliant writer you are, you don't have to worry about losing the house or being evicted. (Or in the US, losing health insurance.)

    I like my alone time. If I go too long without having time where I am seriously all by myself in the house, I start to go a little crazy. But if I were always alone, I'd miss having others around.

    So, it's a great thing, but only if you find the right person. If it's the wrong person, it goes bad fast.
     
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  14. Aled James Taylor
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    Aled James Taylor Contributing Member Contributor

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    Sometimes I feel I have too many wives. I only have one wife but sometimes even one can be too many.

    People have very high expectations these days. Perhaps it’s because of movies and TV shows with extremely good looking people and stories of head-over-heels romances. Everyone seems to be looking for that special person. The chances are, if you ever find that person, someone else will have found them first, or they may be looking for that special person too but decide that person isn’t you.

    Learn to love the person you’re with. Adapt your expectations to suit their behaviour and adapt your own behaviour to suit their expectations better. Muddle through and get along.

    It’s good to know your partner isn’t going to walk out on you, should you go through a difficult time, and there will be difficult times.

    I have a colleague (who, like me, commutes by motorcycle) whose girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: “It’s either me or the motorbike,” she said. I’ll give you one guess as to which he chose.

    I’m reminded of an ancient Chinese (I think) curse: ‘May you live in interesting times’. Marriage may not be a blessing or a curse but it is certainly an interesting time.

    When I look back on my time as a husband and father, there were many difficult and arduous times but they were worth it. Sometimes it hurts, and you may ask, “What’s the tick, how can you make it not hurt?” but there is no ‘sleight of hand’. They trick is; not minding that it hurts.
     
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  15. Okon
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    Okon Contributing Member Contributor

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    I can't remember where I heard this: "You only need two hearts and a diamond for marriage to happen. If things go sour, though, you'll need a club and a spade too."

    I probably won't marry, but I think marriage can be awesome when it's thought out by reasonable people who know they will love each other for ever. In my own little opinion, going against common religion here, pre-marital sex is a must, else you won't really know the other person.

    Additionally, I'm very surprised that some here associate marriage with having a stable partner/companionship, though, and consider not-married as "single." My parents never married (yar I be a bastard) and they've been together for over thirty years.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2014
  16. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think I tend to equate "Never get married" with "Never commit yourself to anyone" on the same "...because they'll only hurt you" logic, so long-term relationship works too.

    It's like any negative advice, it tends to come from the disillusioned.

    I can remember two teacher friends of my father advising my children never to go into teaching because of the hassle...and then proceeded to talk about their daughter, who'd been a professional musician who gave it up to take a teaching job at half the pay, but so much less hassle!
     
  17. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    What can I say, marriage is awesome. People have all kinds of preconceptions about marriage, but, really, the legislative side of it aside (like how it affects benefits and stuff), it's what you make of it, it's not something dictated by your parents, TV shows, unmarried individuals on the internet, the Church, etc. You can make it a boring cliché of a trap or you can make it freaking amazing. My and T's wedding was awesome as well 'cause we did on our terms.
     
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  18. Lae
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    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm partially with @Lemex on this, I dont see the point in it however i do not necessarily dislike it. I actually have little or no opinion on it. I'm engaged now and going to be going through the whole wedding thing in a year or so but i'm not fussed, she wants it, it makes her happy which makes me happy so i'm fine with it. Besides, all i have to do is turn up, say the right words and be given loads of gifts. Wished work was like that...

    agree with @KaTrian on it. It is what it is, it's what you make of it, just like any relationship really.
     
  19. chicagoliz
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    chicagoliz Contributing Member Contributor

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    Part of "the point" are the legal benefits that automatically come with marriage, beyond simply the tax benefits. Things like automatic inheritance -- of the home, all possessions, bank accounts, etc. And health care decisions and visitation rights. Many of these sorts of things can be dealt with to create these rights (such as putting things in trusts, living wills, etc.) but there are so many things that need to be remembered, it's actually just easier to do it via marriage. (And if people have family members -- parents, for example, who are very different and might not approve of the partner -- they can make things extraordinarily difficult. Rights in a marriage are automatic, but if they're established through other means, they could be challenged in court, and of course if any item is forgotten, extended family could take advantage of that. One example: a couple, A and B has a dog. A dog is considered property. The dog was paid for and registered to A, but B takes care of said dog as much or more than A. A dies. A's parents hate B and as parents, they inherit A's estate if A is not married and has no children. Parents take dog, just because they can and they don't like B. They could possibly then also own the house A&B lived in and kick B out. A could have paid for many household expenses out of A's personal individual bank account, to which B has no right. Scenarios like this are endless.

    As far as most of the other benefits I mentioned, yes, they can be acquired from any long term relationship even if you don't have the "piece of paper." But the automatic rights and acquisition of certain legal rights are benefits -- and yet another reason why you shouldn't enter into these things lightly.
     
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  20. stevesh
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    stevesh Banned Contributor

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    I've never quite understood couples who engage in long-term relationships, including having children, without marrying. The argument, "it's just a piece of paper" works both ways, and the legal benefits @chicagoliz mentions are real and important.
     
  21. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    Many jurisdictions acknowledge common-law marriages that confer most of those rights without going through the legal process of getting 'married'.

    To me, there's so much patriarchal nonsense tied up in marriage, even in the modern day, that it has no appeal for me. Of course people can get married without giving in to all the nonsense, but it seems easier to me to skip it entirely.
     
  22. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    Marriage shouldn't be a specific goal, an end. It's a means to an end. And, to be worthwhile, both partners must work at it.

    Mine is 38 years and counting.
     
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  23. stevesh
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    stevesh Banned Contributor

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    The operative word there being 'most', and common-law marriage rules tend to be 'fluid' rather than etched in stone.

    I can't really address the sexual politics of the thing, but a simple hop, skip and a yodel down to City Hall (here in the US) for a five minute civil ceremony doesn't strike me as all that patriarchal (the city official might be a man, I guess).

    Full disclosure: never been married, and am unlikely to become so at my advanced age, but I wouldn't continue a relationship that involved children without ensuring their (and our) rights under the law which marriage conveys.
     
  24. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Well, you can't have a mistress until you have a wife, so what are you waiting for?!
     
  25. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    When it's eventually legal I want to marry William. Every time I bring it up, he goes white as a ghost. Not easy for a little brown fellah'. :wtf:
     
  26. Keitsumah
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    Keitsumah The Dream-Walker Contributor

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    Grew up in a household with both of my birth parents and two siblings. My mom jokes that murder is always on option, but never divorce. ;)

    As for me... dating a guy currently and i grew up with the beliefs that I should only date if i intend to marry the guy someday. He does have the potential, but with both of us in college and at our age I'm not about to bring it up until we're at least in our twenties.

    Yeah yeah call be cookoo :p but that's my perspective. I tend to be strangely distant or adult on these things despite my age.
     

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